sick

hi everyone :)

things have been really blah here for the past week, ive been pretty sick, vomiting and nausia and really bad sinus congestion, not fun! im still being careful about what i eat, but living on Fruju iceblocks, they seem to be one of the only things i can keep down!

can you believe that there is only 3 more sleeps until Christmas! yay! we have kept things really cheap this year because financials arent what they should be, but im sure the girls will have a wonderful day regardless of what little we have got them.

my Mum, her partner and my youngest sister are coming up today, just staying one night, but it will be great to see them, we wont be seeing them on Christmas day, as mum is working, so it will be great to catch up with them before Christmas. and the girls will love having them here too.

anyway this is probably my last post before Christmas, so i wish you and all your familys a very Merry, safe and Happy Christmas, may Santa treat you good!!

much love

xxx

ha haaaaaa!!!

i CAN do it!

today has been a great day, Sultana bran for breakfast, fruit salad for lunch, and meat and vege for dinner with strawberries (dont you love the fruit at this time of the year!) for dessert, ANDDD i did 40 minutes on my bike, im so stoked with myself and really it didnt take much, i have no sweets in the house which helps, im still sooo weak when it comes to the sweets!

so hopefully tomorrow i will be back with another great day post!!

the last day of Kaylees kindy (for her) is Monday, ohhh dear, i better get creative with some things to do with her, i (lately) have been relying on Kindy a lot for all her messy play, and i know she is going to get so bored not going there, so i need to start thinking of some things for her to do!

its so wonderfully quiet here, Darryl is at work, the girls are asleep, and im blobbing on the computer, bliss!

So, how am i doing?

I havent been blogging every day like i said i would, i will get there i promise!!

I am trying really hard though, especially with the no sugar thing, its hard, even harder when Darryl comes home with chocolate.... but we will get there!

Ive started using my exersize bike again, aiming for at least half an hour every day, in 10 minute lots to make it more bearable, and increasing as i get fitter.

i was TRYING to be nice and healthy tonight with dinner too, we ordered Hell Pizza, and i thought no, i wont have pizza, i will have a yummy salad (they do great salads!) so i ordered that, but when it arrived there was a big hori fly in my salad! ew! so i didnt get to eat that, talk about nausiating!!

so im still taking it day by day, small steps, but every day i come a little bit further, which is good of course!

im going to aim to lose 20kgs, i desperatly want another tattoo, and i said to Darryl tonight, i can get it when, and only when, i lose that 20kgs, and because i want the tat so much i hope that its enough incentive to lose the weight and keep it off.

Enough is enough!

im fat, i admit that, and i need to do something about it, no more procrastinating, no more bullshit, no more crap food! sure i enjoy it while im eating it, but my skin is suffering, my weight is suffering, i constantly feel bloated and im VERY self consious. so ive had enough and im going to do something about it.

i was going to wait until after Christmas, but then what will happen after Christmas, i will tell myself to wait until after my birthday, then after summer, then oh its winter, time to blob again.

i think not!

so heres what im going to do:

NO more sugar
NO more cakes, donuts, lollies, chocolate, icecreams
NO more chips
NO more takeaways (or at least if i do get takeout, make it sushi or subway or a Hell salad)
GET MY BIG BUTT MOVING!!!

every damn day i have something sweet, and i cant just stop at 1, i have a whole packet of biscuits (between me and Darryl) or a whole bar of chocolate, its just got to stop! its not healthy!

i have such a bad attitude towards food, i use it as comfort, i use it as bribery, i use it as a best friend, but it shits on me because i put on weight, my skin is crap, and its the time of year where i show more skin and i look like Mr Blobby!

not cool!

so ive asked my dr for a "green Prescription" what is this you may ask? its a script for discounted Gym membership, hopefully i will be able to go back to Club Physical and move my big butt!

i have an exersize bike here that is just collecting dust, i need to start using it, we brought it for a reason, and now more than ever i need to use it.

so every day i will be posting on here (well i will try to every day!) what i have eaten, what exercise i have done and how i am feeling

ive started off well today, sultana bran for breakfast, and im going to be having Sushi for lunch (thanks Rochelle!) i just need to plan dinner, maybe a stirfry, or steak and salad, i will see what Darryl feels like when he gets home.

im going to do this, i need to do this, not for anyone else, but for myself, i dont have the excuse of being depressed, i dont have the excuse of the kids taking all my time, because they are in bed by 7 at the latest every night, and its still light enough for me to get out for a walk

i just need to get off my arse and do it

so i will :)

hello!

been keeping pretty busy here which is nice, plodding along with the kids, getting out and about, (although forgetting to keep some appointments... sorry!) its nice to be well and normal again i tell you!

theres lots of things going on in the background that i cant tell you about just yet, but its all very exciting for me and our future, but watch this space, i will tell you all soon!

still doing lots of sewing and crafty work, i sent some things away as part of a Secret Santa swap, which was fun to do, and the recipient was rapt with it all, so that made me happy!

im thinking about taking up quilting too, ive seen some amazing work lately and its got me really inspired, maybe in the New Year i will look at taking it up and seeing what i can do, i dont know where i will find the time with everything else thats going on but i really want to give it a go!

Kaylee has her end of year Kindy Christmas party coming up on Friday, that should be fun, they have been practising lots of songs and it should be very cute seeing them up on stage! i need to take a savoury plate of some sort, so i need to get my thinking cap on to think of something healthy but tasty to take, any ideas? i was thinking of a vege and cracker platter with some hummus, but i will see if i get any better creative ideas!

Olivia is 13mths old now, still not walking yet, and showing no real signs of walking beginning any time soon, still not standing on her own but likes to walk around holding our hands, she will get there eventually im sure.

Christmas is coming! yay! we put our Christmas tree up on the weekend, i cant wait until we put all the presents under it and Kaylee and Olivia can see their gifts, im a bit lost about what to get Olivia, but because shes only little she really wont care what we get her, so we will keep hers small and Kaylee being a bit older will get a bit spoilt i think!

now im going to have a little vent, but again i cant really say much, i just need to get it out, ive been shit on recently by someone i thought i was very close to, obviously they dont care for me as much as i care for them and my feelings just dont matter, which does hurt, and infact it really pisses me off, promises were made and broken and it really just sux

but i guess you get that sometimes! i just need to move on and realise that not everyone has the same priorities in life that i do, and some people make promises but dont have any intention of keeping them. argh! nevermind

oh and ive decided to open up my blog a little, now members of my family and a few friends read this too :) *waves* i bet they will learn more about me than they ever thought they would lol

and im STILL addicted to sugar..... really not doing very well at this, my phsyciatrist weighed me at my last appointment, and i have gained 16kgs in the past 3 months, thats HUGE and soooo not nice, so i really need to kick myself up the butt and get moving again!

lots of exciting things

happening here! i cant say much at the moment, but it involves a new business, and something i am passionate about.... watch this space!! and fingers crossed for me!!

im still doing really well which is awesome, ive definitely got a lot of my confidence back and life really is going my way, perfect in time for christmas!

speaking of christmas, i still havent done any christmas shopping, ok i lie, i have got a couple of things for Kaylee, i walked into the house the other day and the little monkey spied everything straight away, i need to find some hiding places i think!

i had an awesome day yesterday, i met up with an old school friend, someone i havent seen since i was about 14, so about 11 years, she now has 2 beautiful children and we met up at a childrens indoor playground so the kids could play and we could goss, it was so nice and we had heaps to talk about, i really enjoyed it, got to love Bebo and Facebook for reuniting old friends!

im off shortly to my PND support group, its still going every Wednesday and i find it quite helpful and thought provoking, so thats something i guess! its nice going into a room knowing everyone in there has been through what youve been through and understands and can relate to what your saying, has a bit of a calming effect, but i do come home buggered after all the thinking and talking!

im still not doing too well on the no sugar thing, i just cant give it up! but i am trying and every day i seem to be getting better, i just need to get out walking again and really shift these extra kilos, its hard because one of the meds i am on has the side effect of gaining weight, sure it helps my mind, but the weight things really pisses me off, i guess you will never find the perfect drug, but it does get frustrating!

Things i have been doing

ive been sewing up a storm lately! making nappies, skirts for Kaylee and other things (shhh secret santa business!) so i thought i would share a few of the things i have been making :)

things are really good here, have had a busy week going shopping, and visiting and spending quality time with my kids, its been great!

today i met Kate, Amelia and Natalia at the shops for a coffee and a catchup, this will sound really bad but i havent been out before with Kaylee and Olivia (since Olivia was really little anyway) on my own so it was a big thing for me! but we did ok :) it was lovely to go out and about and now that i have done it, i can do it again!

I talked to an old friend today on the phone, had a good hour or so of catching up, she was one of my best friends from primary school and she gave me a call, it was great! gotta love Facebook & Bebo for keeping you in touch with people!

On Tuesday im meeting another old school friend of mine (havent seen her since about 4th form) at Chipmunks for a good catch up, we found each other through Bebo, so that will be cool, im looking foward to that. I absolutly love Bebo, its put me in touch with SO many people from School and college, its lovely to see what everyone is up to and have my old friends be part of my life again, loving it!

im not doing too well on the no sugar thing (says she with a bar of chocolate right now...) but i have increased my fruit and vege intake and my water intake, so i am feeling a bit healthier for it, i just need to get the sweets under control!

anyway here are a couple of cute pics i took of Olivia recently in her flash new nappies :)

have a great weekend!!

xxx

Sugar!

im sitting here (eating a bag of pineapple lumps...) thinking about sugar, i honestly cant get enough of it lately, and feel its turned into another addiction, im pretty sure that its possible to become addicted to sugar, and im embarressed to say just how much of it i have had recently, way too much!

so i have set myself a little challenge, and that is to wean myself off sugar, im sure my body and mind will thank me for it, i just need to get tough with myself, no more after dinner sweets, no more lunch time treats, no more mid morning snacks, i will take it one day at a time, starting first thing tomorrow morning, have a decent healthy breakfast (i have been skipping breakfast lately, probably my main reason for snacking) and start the day on the right foot

reckon i can do it?? lets give it a go!!

Olivias birthday went well, it was lovely to catch up with friends and family, we had a great time and the kids were shattered (as was i!) by the end of it, but all in all it was a great day, Olivia was wonderfully spoilt and i went the next day and spent all the pumpkin patch vouchers that we got! great fun!

im finding more and more each day that its so easy to do things with my children (something i struggled with since becoming ill) and that little things arent getting to me as much as they used to, i can cook, clean, play, laugh, joke, talk, all like normal again, i tell ya its wonderful!

i had another hospital appt the other day and my dr said to me that she thought the day would never come that i would be well again, im one of the sickest that they have ever had to deal with, so its such a relief for everyone involved that im finally well again!

where does the time go??

Wow, time sure does fly, my baby turns one on Saturday, can you believe it!!! i keep saying to Darryl that we just need to have another one to have a little teeny bub in the house again! not yet though, not until im off meds and the kids are a bit older, but im just amazed at how the past year has flown by.

i feel like i have to grieve a bit, i havent been the mother that i wanted to be, and i have (well i feel like i have) missed out a lot with Olivia, and Kaylee, but Olivias first year is the most important and for most of it i havent been myself, i will just have to have a wine to compensate :p

So we have a nice party planned for Olivia (well... more for me!) on Saturday which i am very much looking foward to, so i should have some photos to show you afterwards

so, whats been going on with me then?

i feel great! the meds are FINALLY doing their thing, im able to do more, think clearer and be a better mother, this last week has been fantastic and i feel like a whole different person, im still taking baby steps and not pushing myself too much.

Saturday is going to be a huge mission for me going back into the entertainer role that i love, but ive just done easy food, chips and dips and crackers and cheese, things in packets that i can just put on plates, real easy! im trying to make my life as easy as possible

oh and i have to gloat, because i never thought i would get this far, im still breastfeeding Olivia! so that is 1 year i have been breastfeeding, a huge achievement from someone who couldnt feed their first baby, im very proud of myself!

so this is me at the moment, happy, healthy and getting better, thank you all so much for your love and support and kind words, it means the world to me :)

xxx

some pics :)

its been a month

since i last posted, so much has happened, but then not much has happened.



the PND hasnt gone away, it hasnt got any better, but it hasnt got any worse, its frustrating that it is no better, but then a bit of a relief that it is no worse.



last week the drs thought it best that i went into hospital for a while, i agreed, Darryl agreed, so off to hospital we went, however on arrival it became apparent that really, it wasnt the best place for me, the people werent like me (mostly severelly mentally ill) and i just felt uncomfortable there, so i went home again, now the plan is to try some new drugs and go from there, i start the new drugs tomorrow (after a couple of days of having no pills to detox my system a wee bit) and hopefully they will help my mood lift.



My mother is up staying for this week and next, but is going home tomorrow for a few days, taking both Kaylee and Olivia with her, which will be nice for Darryl and I to have some childfree time, as much as we will miss them both, it will be a relief for a wee break, its been a nice break having mum here, she cooks, cleans, washes, its great not having to do anything!



anyway, thats all from me for now, i hope to be back soon with some better news :)



much love



xxx

processing thoughts

lately there hasnt really been much going on to be honest, ive still had respite every day, tomorrow will be my first day without it.

Tomorrow im going to a PostNatal support group, im pretty nervous about going, but im hoping it will be beneficial for me (and my family of course) im going in a bit blind not knowing really what its all about, but im hoping that it will help me overcome all of this. Cant hurt to try right?

ive had heaps of time to think lately, which has been good, ive put on weight again with all this thats going on, and im dissapointed in myself for that, however one of the side effects of the medication im on is weight gain, so ive accepted the gain and just have to look at why im putting on weight and do something about it. i very rarely get out of the house anymore, so ive been putting the exercise bike to good use, and i have lost a couple of kilos in the last couple of weeks, so that is something i guess, i just need to keep it up :)

hopefully i will be back soon with a more interesting post for you to read!!

update

Today was a very sad day for us, Darryls Nana passed away a couple of weeks ago and it was her funeral today, it brought the family together, and sometimes its a sad thing that it takes someone passing to bring the family all together again. RIP dear Nana you will be terribly missed xxx

there has been a lot going on still in our lives, the children are getting older and more independant, Kaylee is talking a lot more and understanding more than what we think she does, but at the same time is a lot more demanding, which is hard. Olivia is crawling, and is nearly 10 months old, scary to think that the month after next she turns 1.

im still not myself, there has been a lot of fiddling with medications and they are still not right, its frustrating for me that it has been this long and im still not right, kind of scary too, i guess i didnt realise how sick i actually am and have been. i constantly feel sluggish and slow and am still scared to drive, because if this is how i feel at home, how would it be on the road. but i am getting there

i have been talking to Darryl about going back to work, i miss the corporate world, i miss my work friends and i miss doing things that dont revolve around children. but we have made the choice to have children, so they do need to be our priority, and if i did go back to work i would need to find a job that covers the cost of daycare, which is hideously priced, and with the work that i know how to do, im not sure if there is a job out there that suits me, i did want to work for our own business, but im unsure at the moment exactly what i want to do and when i want to do it, i just know that staying at home with the kids fulltime is no longer what i want or enjoy. im not sure if its the illness talking, or if its just a fact of life and i just need to trundle on through.

im still taking 1 day at a time, 1 step at a time, i know that eventually i will get better, but its frustrating at how long its taking, Darryl says that he sees glimpses of the real me now and again, oh how i wish for that full time, i just wish i was ME and i wish i had the energy to do the things i used to do.

so anyway, i havent moved forward, but i havent moved backwards, so that is something i guess, one day i will be back, and im sure everyone will know the time has come, i just wish it was sooner rather than later.

i will leave you with a quote i found when reading a forum of mine that i go to,

"dont regret something that once made you smile"

i like the quote, and i find it makes you think a little, never regret your past, its made you who you are today, you cant change what happened yesterday though, but you can have control over what tomorrow will be like

i just have to hold onto that.

much luv

xxxxx

where am i now?

yep its been a while since i last posted, and still little has changed unfortunatly.

those around me are seeing slight improvements, however i am not.

we had an appt today with 2 drs and a nurse, they wanted to see if i needed to be admitted into hospital, thank god i dont, because honestly they would of had to have taken me kicking and screaming, like hell im going to be admitted!

still having my up days, still having my down days, very little change, if in the next week there is still minimal change then my medication will be looked at again, at the moment im taking anywhere between 7 and 11 pills a day, just depends on my mood, but 7 is the minimum, thats a hell of a lot of medication!

just gotta keep on keeping on aye!

but on top of everything going on with me, Darryls parents have gone away on holiday overseas for the next few weeks, USA and Canada, sounds like they will have a blast, however the day before they flew out, Darryls Nana took a turn and had a fall, and she is now in hospital, and last night Darryls Granddad had a fall and ended up in hospital too, so really full on and heaps of stress on Darryl at the moment trying to work, look after the girls, look after me, look after his grandparents, full on!!

anyway, i will be trying to take every day step by step, its all i can do for now, but man, not being allowed to drive is taking its toll, im damn bored! so if youve got any ideas to keep me occupied (dont say scrapbooking Kate! i have minimal concentration!) id love to hear them! ive been sewing up a storm, making gorgeous ribbon comfort blankies for babies, and selling a few on trademe even! (stretch55 is my username, have a peek!)

take care, ka kite

Carla
xxx

another update

First of all, what you will read below may shock you, but you know me by now, i tell it as it is, i dont mince my words, and i believe in by me being honest, you all will learn and appreciate more how Mental Illness affects people.

SO where have i been since i last updated

A fukken mess quite honestly.

what scares me most is the fact i thought i had hit rock bottom. but no, i was far from it.

i have been getting less and less sleep, most nights surviving on 2-3 hours, so i started on some sleepy pills, unfortunatly, they werent the best type for me. i had a bit of a reaction to them (in my head) so instead of having a calming affect, they had the complete opposite effect. i went crazy. i started to beat myself up, punching myself in the head, banging my head on the floor, bedhead, wall, Darryls knees and elbows (while he was trying to restrain me) quite honestly i completely and utterly lost the plot. it wasnt me, but it was me. and that petrifys me.

I was aware of what i was doing, i remember parts (not all) of it, Darryl got his sister to come over to help and she called an ambulance. i remember the Ambulance officer dude sitting on the floor beside me (i was lying on the ground, Darryl was ontop of me holding me down) asking if i wanted to go with them, i was like WTF of course i dont! then i bashed my head on the floor, the ambo guy got a bit strict with me then, i was either going with them, or i was getting a police escort because they would call them out. i couldnt understand why because i hadnt done anything illegal, but i co-operated with them. i didnt want the police over! bad enough having an ambulance parked in my driveway!!!

So off to the hospital i went, i cant remember much at all of it, just remember coming home again, darryls mum picked us up (Darryls sister and mum were at the hospital for a bit) and Olivia was in the back seat, and i was so relieved to see her.

Kaylee has been at mums for the last week, which has been great, she came home yesterday, so i need to learn how to be a mum to a toddler again, hard work.

anyway, im on so much medication its not funny, im on Anti-depressents, anti-psycotics (to calm me before bed) and sleeping pills, and im STILL not getting any sleep, last night was amazing at 7 hours, its the first time in a long time i have had that much, the night before was 2 hours and the night before that was 3 hours.

im in close contact with a Mental health team, they ring me or visit me daily, keep a very close eye on my medication, and ive also had respite nurses here on a 24 hour basis, they have also been amazing, my angels i call them, they do an awesome job. we are down to a respite nurse coming every night (to deal with Olivia) its been an amazing help.

its been hard, damn hard, i have had thoughts i never knew i could have, i have been through so many emotions its not funny, and i have put my family and friends through more than they should EVER have to go through. i hate it.

but i just have to keep on going aye.

xxx

an update

Firstly, much love and big thank yous for my texts, emails, comments, they all mean a lot, and definitely are helping me get through this mess.

Recently i went severely downhill, i have never in my life felt so low and so bad and so scared, if i thought i was bad before, wow, i didnt have a clue what was to come.

My Dr changed my medication, and ive had the dosage increased twice now, (increased for the 2nd time yesterday) as there has been very minimal improvement at all. the hardest part for me has been losing complete control, ive hated every minute of it. (and yes, as much as i tell myself and others tell me not too, im still hiding it a lot)

So my Dr referred me to Maternal Mental Health, and i had an appt today with a Mental Health Dr and another lady (i think a social worker, not too sure) both very nice, I was referred to them first for assessment, then they decide what to do from here, they say I have severe depression, and a lot of it has stemmed from my childhood, not just postnatal, and so they have upped my medication again, I also have severe panic attacks and they offered me lithium or Valium (I think - cant remember) and sleeping pills, but I refused because im scared of what they will do to Olivia (still BFing) and they said I have anxiety and phobia issues (they had big names for everything) and they are going to work out what is the best therapy for me to have and go from there.

Scary stuff… I was petrified of going to the appt (Darryl did come with me), but im glad i did, im still very scared, petrified infact, especially of the unknown, i dont know yet what is to come, but i do know that it will be positive, and it will help me get better.

Ive had amazing support from my husband, my mother, my SIL & BIL, and several of my very close friends (you know who you are and i love you dearly), all of whom i love from the bottom of my heart and appreciate everything they have done for me, im truelly blessed.

Unfortunatly ive had a few people who i thought were close friends, freeze me out completely, no texts, no emails, no ph calls, no visits, and that has been hard, i want to scream, IM STILL ME! but im sure they will come around in their own time, its hard for many people to deal with, and many people have no idea how to deal with it, so ignore the situation completely.

I had a phone call today from someone at Waitakere Hospital, checking up on me, making sure i was ok, apparently they have made me an emergancy appt tomorrow where a dr either comes to me at my house, or i go to them, not too sure when yet, but they will let me know. So there are several departments and my own Dr, all working together, im very lucky to have this, but it is incredibly daunting and scary for me, apart from my dr, i dont know these people, and i have to open up to them, and that is very hard for me to do even to my close friends, let alone a stranger.

Its a dark dark scary place to be, and it terrifies me every damn day. But the light is now starting to appear. i just have to allow it to reach me. xxx

I did it :)

It should be on my 101 list, but its not, its something i have ALWAYS wanted to do, and yesterday was the day!

i got my Tattoo, HUGE step for me, huge milestone, a little sad though now, because i have been looking foward to it for so long, and its now over and done with, Darryl said to just remember i have a lasting reminder about the excitement, but i do crave that excitement again, i dont have anything else at the moment to look foward to, so im just going to have to find something :)

what does it mean? the 3 points of the knot, symbolise (to me) my 3 babies, 1 in heaven, and 2 on earth (hence the point upwards and 2 points downwards) the circle that entwines them is the circle of everlasting love, so basically its my everlasting love for my children.

its on my lower (inside) left leg, just above my ankle.

i absolutley LOVE it and i am SO SO SO rapt that i got it.

and yep it hurt, but nothing i couldnt handle. mine took a fraction of the time that my BILs took (he came with me and got one done too, his is a funky sun with YinYang in it, very cool) but yeah, im rapt with it, and so glad i have it. now i want another one :)

How am I doing? im not going to lie and say great, because im not, im pretty shit actually, my Dr has changed my medication because the other stuff wasnt doing anything, and i have to wait a couple of weeks to see if the new meds kick in ok, if they dont then my dose gets increased and i get referred to an organisation for outside help. Its not fun being where i am at the moment, and its so hard for me KNOWING that i want to just snap out of it, KNOWING that all these thoughts i cannot control, as much as im trying and as much as im fighting it i have NO control and its very very hard to lose that, and its very very hard to explain to someone who hasnt been there because a lot of people think that you can just snap out of it, i wish it was that easy.

I now have anxiety ontop of the depression, i freak out at every little thing, im scared all of the time and i find it hard to even do the most basic of tasks, everything just seems very very daunting, and even though i know that this is how i feel, i just cannot do anything to stop it, i dont know how.

so i am still one day at a time, im starting to let my friends help me, and im starting to ask for help, because i think i need to, i find it very hard to be alone, thats when i freak out the most, so if i have my close friends (or family) near me, i tend to be ok. i just want to be normal again.

Life goes on :)

Right, where have i been? what have i been up to??

not much really! haha

I had a lovely Mothers day, got a nice bunch of flowers and then proceeded to get thoroughly pissed on Sunday night. ate heaps of yummy things like cheeses and hummis and dips and pita breads, was great! Just had a nice relaxing day really. heaps of fun!

Then my kids got sick, Kaylee didnt go to kindy at all last week (back today thank god!) she had a terrible cold and at one stage couldnt talk because her throat hurt. didnt take her long to bounce back thank god! So it was a bit of a hard week, Olivia still playing up at night and Kaylee so full on because she was sick during the day, i was pretty damn tired!!

Friday morning i had Olivia allergy tested, unfortunatly at this age (under the age of 1) they dont test any airbourne allergins, so she only got tested for food allergys, which she has none, so im quite happy about that!

Saturday morning Darryl had the day off work (rare occurance) and we all met up with SIL & BIL and kids up at Darryls parents place and had morning tea there for Darryls Nanas birthday, great for the kids to have a run around and for the adults to sit and blob knowing the kids cant go anywhere!!!

Sunday morning i went out with my BIL to go Tattoo Parlour shopping (aka checking out places to see what they are like so we can book our tats to be done) and guitar shopping, turned out to be one hell of a flop of a morning really lol NOTHING was open! places that have ALWAYS been open on a Sunday werent open at all, so we have to wait until Darryl has another Saturday off so we can go out on a Saturday to get it all sorted (so he can watch the kids, im so NOT taking any children to a Tattoo place!!!) i was hoping to get my tattoo by now, but ive promised BIL that i will wait for him, he has to perfect his design first. i cant wait though!! then i can work on my next design! haha

Other than that, im just cruising, taking each day as it comes, up to day 14 now of my medication, hopefully very soon it will start to kick in, i definitely have my up and down moments and i definitely need to slow down

working on it!

Hi, my name is Carla, and I suffer from Depression...

Ive been trying to work out a way, over the past few days, to word this post, I have written and rewritten it in my head, and still it just doesnt sound right, and it probably wont, because realistically im the only one that knows what on earth im on about!!

You may notice (when i do post... haha) how my posts are so up and down all the time, i do try not to be too blah, but sometimes when i read back to what i have written, well its just a bit negative isnt it. I will try to change that, promise :)

I try so damn hard to be the perfect mother and wife and friend, that i forget about myself, i put everyone else first, and then i realise that im never #1, so who else can help me, but me?

I tried to do everything right this time, i tried to relax and just go with it, but yet still the depression hits, im slowly starting to realise that unfortunatly its something that i just cannot control, its something that i do need help with and as much as i say i try to look after myself, i get put to last place, all the time, i need to become #1 sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes. im always the one who holds other people together, who helps everyone, its just what i do, i try hard to make everyone else happy.

A few people have emailed me to check up on me :) you know who you are, thank you, means a lot.

I am now taking Fluoxetine, which is an anti-depressant, when it starts working (usually takes a few weeks to start kicking in) its going to help me cope with day to day living, its going to help me think straight, and its going to help me see a way out of the hole im in at the moment.

Depression is a hole, if youve never suffered then its very hard to explain, but its like you get deeper and deeper into this hole, you cant see the sunlight anymore and then the weight starts bearing down on your shoulders and you cant see a way out of it, your not strong enough to get rid of the weight on your shoulders to climb out of the hole, its a dark place to be, its not nice.

I hide from the world, its what i do, at the moment i have 3 "safe zones" my place, Darryls parents place and my SIL & BILs place, i feel safe in these houses, and im tending to stick to staying around these areas. eventually i will move out into the world a bit more, but right now, i need my safety.

So many things contribute to the depression, lack of sleep, children, babies, stress, husbands (hehe), life in general, but i think that even if my life was perfect, i would probably still suffer, there is just something in me and i need to learn to accept that, treat it and move on with it.

its an illness, not a disability.

SO its time for me to look foward.

what do i have to look foward to?

-The rest of my life...

-My babies growing up

-becoming a professional musician (haha)

-getting my tattoo, then getting the next one after it! haha

-being happy....

i can do this, i can beat this, i am stronger than this.

peace

gotta love a bargain!

Hope you've all had a lovely weekend!!

we really havent done too much, but i kinda feel like ive relaxed a little - alll good! Darryl worked Saturday while i stayed home and completely blobbed with the kids, i mean BLOBBED, Kaylee didnt even get out of her PJs! we watched dvds and read heapppps of books and just really spent quality time with my girls, it was great! then last night i went out babysitting for my SIL & BIL while they went out for dinner, it was SO nice to have the TV all to myself for once! i got to finish a book i have been reading for yonks, read a magazine and watch a movie! bliss!

Darryl took Kaylee with him to run errands today, so Olivia and I went shopping, i got a top that i have had my eyes on for a while, feels nice to splurge on myself once in a while! and then i went to the Warehouse, ohhhh the house of bargains! isnt it just the coolest place!! i got 3 funky tops for a whopping $25!! (thats right man, for all 3!) and i splurged on some new underware too, i love treating myself and dont seem to do it as often as i should!

im not sure what this week has in store for me yet, im just going to run with it a bit, apart from Kindy i have nothing else on (i think... remind me if i do!)

anyway off to my guitar lesson i go, and yep im still doing them, and yep im still absolutely loving it!

Learning curves and emotions

I find it amazing sometimes how you can know someone for so long, but then never really know them until they open up completely to you and you open up completely to them, you learn so much. its very refreshing. very real. opens up a whole new world that you never really knew about really!

this last week has been good really, Kaylee back at Kindy, Olivias sleeping is getting better, Kaylees speech is just coming along beautifully and everything just seems to be going how it should be for once, its nice!

We tend to still remind Kaylee to go to the toilet often, its more our habit, she is very good at remembering, on Wednesday we noticed she hadnt been for a while, so Darryl took her to the loo, she sat on, look up at Darryl, shrugged her shoulders and said "but Daddy, i got no weewees in me!" it was so cute, and just the way she did it, cracked us up - had to share :) shes getting more easier to understand every day, and it makes communication with her fantastic!

Olivia is 6 mths old today, can you believe it! 6mths has just flown by, but it is like she has been with us forever, shes just infectious, she is so beautiful, very cool that she is mine :)

I have chosen my Tattoo, and am very ready to get it now, i absolutly love it and the meaning behind it and the meaning i want for it, its special. But i wont be getting it done for a few weeks yet, im going with my BIL as he wants one too, so we decided to go together and support each other through the pain! lol so im just waiting on him to make up his mind on where he wants to go and check out and perfect his design.

as soon as its done though i will let you know!!!

ive already decided what my next one will be, lol.... i heard they are a bit addictive!

Ah HA moments :)

Today i had one of those "ah HA" moments, you know, the ones where you will be just going along in your own world merrily, you will be just doing your own thing, and then, THEN, you have a realization that you dont need those thoughts, you dont need that person, you dont NEED to feel that way.

Kate: you will know who im talking about here..... talk to ya soon! x




Today i was surfing through a friends BEBO page, BEBO, MySpace etcetc are all things that i havent started pages on, i have my blog here, that will do! but anyway, i was surfing through her page, then looking through her friends (heaps of old school friends of mine) and friends friends, you know how it goes, ANYWAY i stumbled across someones page, someone who i used to be close to at one time in my life, someone who i could of been a lot closer too and always regretted my actions at a certain time in my life. I come to this page, i had a nosey (as ya do) and i didnt feel anything, i didnt feel regret, i didnt feel sadness, i didnt feel anything that i thought i might of if the time came (which of course it did today) that i would see this person again.


i find this, personally, an achievement.


Im the type of person who cant let go if im the one in the wrong, i cant accept my actions and i live in a life of regret. I wallow in my own self pity and I tend to get VERY emotionally involved when i just shouldnt.


This to me, is the first step of many.


Its pretty damn refreshing!

A bit like a haircut really.

I got one of them today too :)



Small steps, small changes, my life.



My weekend has been pretty good, we havent done much, but we have done heaps, if that makes sense!



Yesterday while the guys were doing the Home Show (the Autumn home show) my SIL and I entertained all the kids, we made the gloop (cornflour and water) holy crap whatta mess! it was hilairious! so they all go bathed after that one! then we drew all over the driveway, i even (kinda) taught them how to play hopscotch, that was fun... i think i had more fun doing that than the kids did! there was drawing, and making necklaces with beads and playing with playdough, the kids had a great day and we were all buggered!!



Darryl brought Roast Dinners for everybody which we enjoyed after all the kids went to bed, and then us adults (Darryl, myself, SIL & BIL) watched Casino Royale (James Bond). it wasnt my cuppa tea, but it was nice to blob!



This morning was of course my hair cut, and really not much else, which has been a good thing really, we got a few things done, thats always nice!

Time to feed my girls :) easy dinners tonight, Spagetti on toast for Kaylee and pears and farex for Olivia... ohhh yummmm :)


Ciao :)

My girls

Every day i find it amazing and unbelievable and astounding how these 2 precious girls, are mine (as in Darryl's and my own). Nobody else has any responsibility for them, no one else loves them as much as we do, these 2 girls just blow us away everyday, reaching and exceeding milestones, growing more, talking more, even their smiles just light up the room. It amazes me to think that i brought these children into the world, they are mine, they are a part of me, and i should be proud of who they are, what they have become and what they will be.

They absolutely melt my heart and i would be so lost without them.

Kaylee has been off kindy for the school holidays, she will start back on Monday, she will be 3 in July.... its amazing how fast that time has gone, how far we have all come and how much we have learnt. Kaylees speech just gets better and better every day, she is now fully day toilet trained (didnt take her long at all), she is so very tall, in a size 4 already, and she is such a hard case, some of the things she does and says, some of her actions and facials just crack us up daily, she is a delight. (but we are going through a stage at the moment where she will not look at the camera when photos are being taken!!!)

Olivia will be 6 months old on the 27th of this month, we have come so far with her, but still have a way to go, we have acknowledged that and are now just getting on with it. She loves her 1 solids meal a day, she LOVES her baths, she kicks and squeels in delight and she just ADORES her big sister (who adores her little sister right back!) they spend ages rolling around on the floor together, or in Olivias cot together, and i hope and pray that they have such a wonderful relationship growing up. Olivia has the most amazing eyes, and the most amazing smile (which i find VERY hard to get on camera!!) my children are beautiful and i love them so much.

Foody stuff

i havent talked about food for ages, probably because i have SO many other things going on, but i thought i would let you know where im at and what i have been up to.

As ive said in a previous post, i have no idea what i weigh at the moment, and i kind of like that, im a bit curious, and if i went into someones bathroom and they had a set of scales there, then i would probably use them :) however at the moment, im quite happy knowing that my clothes are loose, im down a couple of sizes (compared to this time last year) and im feeling healthier all round.

I guess breastfeeding has a lot to do with it, i have to make sure i eat well, in order to produce good milk, if i eat crap, i notice a decline in my supply, so its a good reason to continue eating healthy. (with the odd treat)

Darryl said to me the other day that he has noticed my portions are so much smaller than they used to be, and thats probably another thing thats helping, sometimes i get a bit carried away on portion sizes and my eyes end up bigger than my stomach, however i just keep eating.... not really a good thing!

Coming into winter again though, im just going to have to be careful, things like Lasagne, and curries are of course lovely warm winter foods, and we tend to have these a lot... will have to watch that! this year though i have my crock pot, so i can do healthy cassoroles and stews with lots of veggies.

bit of a boring post really, but just kinda putting it all down what has been happening foody wise, im finding myself drawn to the more healthy options on a menu, to the more healthy options for dinners at home, fruit bowl always full, veggie bin always full, freezer always full of lean meats, if you have the basics, it makes preperations alot easier!!!

#2

yep, 2 posts in one morning! arent you just so lucky! haha

Well i went out last night, not the night i was hoping for, as non of my girls could make it (everyone is sick!! no fair!! get better soon babes!!) so just Darryl and i toddled along, i didnt get my boogy, but there is always next time, i had a few drinks, that was nice, and i met a few people, that was nice, and listened to some good music for a couple of hours, next time though, hold me back baby im gunna boogy!!! (my girls, watch this space!)

My mum and youngest sister arrived yesterday, so its quite nice having someone else keeping Kaylee entertained for a while, 2 year olds are full on! (Kate... under 3 mths to go until the big 3! holy CRAP!), but so hilarious!!! Kaylee has a boyfriend from kindy, its very cute, she keeps talking about him, ahhh young love, very sweet!!! so they will be here until Tuesday morning at this stage. we have absolutly no plans for this weekend, but Darryl and I might make the most of the fact we have a couple of babysitters in the house for a few days and pop out now and again! we already have plans to go out in a couple of hours for lunch, so that should be nice, not having to worry about any children, nappies, prams, bottles, etc!!

Have a wonderful weekend folks, take care, look after yourselves

peace out

PMD and other stuff :)

Sandra, no offence is ever taken :) i love comments, no matter what they may be, i guess sometimes its hard in blogland, you never get the full picture of the person you are reading, their full life, their full actions and indiscretions, because we only choose parts of our lives to write about :)

I have on many an occasion considered the fact that I may have PND and i will be honest in saying i am avoiding the dr like the plague (i am quite overdue for a smear!) because she will pick up on it, i personally DO NOT want to be on drugs again, thats just me, thats just my decision, (i am working in other directions to fight this) i was on Fluoxitine (prozac) for a long time with Kaylee, and those of you who knew me then, will know that i was a VERY different person with Kaylee than i am now, Kaylee was such an easy baby, she made everything to do with having a baby a breeze, slept through the night at an early age, took to formula well, took to solids well, it was just ME that was messed up, i felt so horrid and discusting all the time, and i couldnt work out why, i also had very little in the way of a support system, i had very few friends and being a first time mama, i really didnt have a clue.

I am such a different person now than i was then, i have so much more in place in way of a support system, (and i have my blog where i can get it alllll out! haha) i have so many friends and family around, i have a great husband who helps any way that he can and i have a lot of people i can talk to, im also more open and honest with my feelings, im more aware of my feelings and my actions and how they affect me and others, and i know so much more about having kids now than i did then! (it helps, believe me!) but i just need to remember that Olivia is a different child, she will never be Kaylee, i can compare them till im blue in the face and they are just so unbelievably different its not funny! I guess to me it was (and still is) such a culture shock, after having the "perfect" (for lack of a better word) baby first time, and now having a baby who wakes all the time in the night, doesnt put on weight, and is very slow at reaching her developmental milestones, it makes me feel like im doing something wrong, what did i do SO right with Kaylee, that im doing SO wrong with Olivia.

But then i have to stop, and think, and remember.... i am not doing anything wrong, im working my ass off trying to be a great Mama and life teacher, im doing all i can to give my babies the best life they can have, physically and emotionally, i have 2 totally different children, i cannot in any way, shape or form even begin to compare them, i cannot let myself get down about the fact that Olivia is so different than Kaylee (and vice versa) i just have to take each day at a time, each hour at a time, and just wing it for now.

A lot of my posts lately have been a little odd, weird, negative, however if i dont get it out, i bottle it up, and i would much rather have you all think im a bit of a freak, than go absolutly crazy again, i just cant have that, i have myself, my children, my husband, my friends and family to think of. i have to be the best person i can be, for now, right now. because if i dont, then im doing myself an injustice.

Finding Carla

yep, still on my wee mission :)

ive almost decided on what kind of tattoo to get, i just have to perfect the design and do the whole toilet door thing for a month or so... or will i just go and get it... ive wanted it for long enough, watch this space. im not going to show you though, until i get it.

ive considered on many occasions making my blog private (follow the leader!) or starting a new one, just for me, just to get my own personal thoughts out, but really at the moment i dont have the time or energy to keep that up, hence why my posts are a bit out-of-it, so much is going on that i just cant talk about, things that have the potential to make me a very bad person, and im just not going there. i am not a bad person. i have been talking about things with someone, and that has helped heaps, but things im just not willing to share with people i dont know that well, hope you understand. I need to get my head around a few things, i need to start living properly again.

im still loving playing the guitar, its fantastic, i love going into our cruddy spare room and shutting the door behind me and just turning off the world for a while. i dont care that i cant play that well, i dont care that i sound like a strangled cat when i sing, im just loving it.

Ive lost my bathroom scales, i have NO idea where they are, i have searched high and low, therefor i have NO idea what i weigh. and really. at this point and time. i dont give a fuck. all my clothes (including my tight jeans) are loose. that has to be a good sign, either that, or i have stretched everything to buggery :)

i love my kids, but ive kinda had enough being a stay at home mama, im very blessed that we have the type of income that we can afford for me to stay at home, however im bored, doing the same things over and over and over again. and my kids are suffering because of that, and i hate that my kids are suffering because of basically my own selfishness, therefor, im going back to work, not yet, but soon, maybe in about 6mths time. a position may be open for me, i just have to finalise details, but we have several months for that. i will miss my babies. but i MISS ME, and i just have to do something about that.

I always thought that my calling in life was to be a Mama, was to raise a family, up until (very) recently, i was definitely not going back to work until all my children were at school, i was definitely not going to be a working mother, hell we can afford for me not to be, (with some sacrifices) so why not? but i didnt realise that i would - in gaining a family - lose myself, which essentially i have, now i have changed (for the better i think) and daily am changing, daily i am finding new things about myself, im finding more courage and more passion and more ME, more of who i used to be. more of who i want to be, without disadvantaging my children and husband, but still being positive for me.

Im off to the pub tomorrow night (as said in a previous post) something so simple for so many people is popping down to your local for a beer, shit, i havent done that since i was about 19!! im only 25 years old for fucks sakes, im not old! ive said it before and i will say it again, im looking foward to getting pissed off my tree :) (ok, well having a few drinks anyway! lol that should be enough) im looking foward to having a kanikani and letting my (short) hair down for a bit!

My mother and 2 sisters are coming to visit tomorrow, they will stay until Tuesday, so im really looking foward to that, having a few more pairs of hands around to keep Kaylee and Olivia occupied, it will be nice that i have a bit of adult company in the house on the days that Darryl is at work, it will be great for them to catch up with the kidlets too, hopefully make this household a bit smoother for a few days!

the Auckland home show is coming very soon.... exciting for us :) watch this space hehe

still around

not much to say, Olivia is only waking twice a night now, (well for the past few nights anyway) im still happily strumming away, heaps of other stuff going on, still finding myself, kinda got myself in a bit of a mess, but will find my way out of it, always do!

Mel, definitely keen for you to come visit us from Japan so we can watch Borat together! hehe

Christine, i WILL make it down your way for a cuppa one day, but hey, your always welcome up here, i know heaps of people in the north would luv to meet ya! xx

my Mum and sisters are coming up on Friday arvo, staying until Tuesday, so that will be good for a break, Darryl and I are off out to the pub on Friday night to watch my BIL and his band play, so im looking foward to getting utterly pissed :)

i have a thing for Penguins at the moment, i think they are kinda cute....

im just a bit weird right now if you havent guessed :)

and this too shall pass

xxx

Decluttering

As you all know, im on this whole "find myself" thing, mentally, physically and emotionally, its kind of like a decluttering of my thoughts and emotions and getting everything back to reality and in check again.

Well im in the process of decluttering physical things too, my house (Kate and Em will testify to this! haha) is SO cluttered, i have so much crap its not funny, crap that we just dont need. so today i finally got off my arse and sorted out Kaylees room, as a result we have 1 toybox of toys, 1 box of dressups and puzzles and a bookshelf of books, and its great!! back to how i used to have her room, neat and tidy, clothes hung up, bed made (well kinda... shes been playing in it!) so hopefully now that it is done, it will be easier for miss Kaylee to maintain every night before bed!

i did a quick look through the house today and found all the things that i dont actually need... as a result i have heaps listed on Trademe and hopefully i will make pretty good money on it too! (Stretch55 is my username if you wanna squizz - nothing like a bit of self promotion in your own blog!) i have heaps more to list too, but i thought if i list a few things at a time, it means a few items (clutter) at a time will leave my house, brilliant! it feels nice to throw things away, and start clearing things out, because to me a clear house helps you mentally too.

Now, what are we going to do about Miss Olivia..... i rang healthline today and talked to one of their wonderful wellchild nurses, i told her all the feeding and sleeping issues we were having, i told her about Olivias lack of weight gain, and i told her that basically im pretty buggered right now! so, taking her ideas on board, we are going to get strict on Olivia from tonight.... i feed her up good and proper before bed (always do) put her down, when she first wakes (usually about 1 recently) i feed her (like usual) from then on, i dont feed her (wahhhh!!!) we try to let her settle herself back down, if she doesnt, we settle her, but we dont give in with the boobie!!! because of how rotten she feeds during the day, i need to work on her night sleeping, so her day feeding will be heaps better, so i HAVE to do it, it may take anywhere from a few nights to a couple of weeks to sort out properly, but right now i KNOW olivia is fed at night, she just likes getting up to snuggle with her mummy, and i KNOW that i am slowly losing the plot and i need my sleep.

i dont know if im strong enough though... so i might just hide out in the spare room and let Darryl deal with her! lol

ahhhh nevermind!!! we WILL get there!!!

Ok, i dont know if its anyone here, but if there is anyone called LION CITY out there fowarding me emails, please stop! i dont know who you are, therefor i dont open them and really its just spam to me. i know a couple of other people get the same things, so it would be NICE if you stopped, cheers.

#3 :) in process

Yep, #3 on my 101 list is to learn guitar again, i LOVE playing music, i had both keyboard and guitar lessons when i was younger, also did a bit of the drums, and the usual primary school ukelele and recorder (lol). but the guitar and keyboard are definitely my faves. my "tutor" is my BIL, he was rapt when i asked him to teach me, and refuses any kind of payment for it, so im very lucky that he is happy to take time out of his already very busy schedule to teach me.

We had our first lesson on Saturday night, just a short one, but ive been strumming along happily all day, trying to remember what i used to know, and learn what i have been taught, because i know if i dont, he will open up a big can of "whoop ass" on me! very strict! But starting next week, every monday night, will be for me, learning to play again (no more Maori styles! lol)

Then on Saturday night we all (myself, Darryl, his Sis and BIL) watched Borat on DVD, now if you know me (and my personalised plates!) you will know im the HUGEST Ali G fan, and Borat was NO disapointment to me, i LOVED IT!!! i havent laughed so much in ages and just adored the fact that i could lose myself in the movie, didnt have to THINK during the movie (its a bit like that!) and could just relax and blob for a bit, it was fabbo!

Sunday i picked up my SIL and we took off to the shops for a few hours with just the 2 babies (my neice is 5 weeks younger than Olivia) it was great not having to chase the 3 older ones around the shops, it was just so easy going shopping! so (LOL) we have plans to do it again on Saturday... because... well... there are just things we need, ok? lol (our excuse to the boys!)

i kept Kaylee home from kindy today, thinking that her cough shouldnt be shared around kindy... omggggg its been a hard day! i ended up putting her to bed and locking her in her bedroom (she doesnt have day sleeps much anymore) and i was SO lucky that she went to sleep, however Olivia hasnt slept sweet FA today, so its been a challenging one!

I have macaroni and Cheese in the crockpot at the moment, for dinner, omg, yum, it smells devine!!!!! just thought id share :)

Im busy looking at Tattoos, i have seen one that i LOVE, however its extremely similar (so i found out after i drew it up - it was online and i had to pay for the full photo, so i printed the mini one and scanned and enlarged it, naughty aye!) to one that a good friend of mine wants, so i dont think i will go there, and i will find something else, draw it up to size, and paste it on the back of my toilet door for a month where i will have no choice but to look at it often! haha, then if i still like it, then im getting it dammit!!! :)

1/4 life crisis

you know how some people have a mid life crisis? im having it early, lol

im on a mission to find myself again, find the beautiful, attractive person that i know is there, find hobbys that are just about ME, do what I want to do, because if i dont, when i get old, will i have regrets? i dont want regrets in my life, i want to LIVE.

i always told myself that once i had kids they would work around me, they would be my priority sure, but i would not lose myself.

well i have lost myself

and i need to find ME again

so here is what i am going to do

im getting a Tattoo, not yet, but soon, i have always wanted one, but peoples opinions have put me off, fuck em, its my body, its my skin, its what i want, its going to happen.

im taking guitar lessons, starting next Monday night. i used to play the guitar when i was a kid, i got really good, but now, sadly, i let it all go. im a very musical person, i love nothing more than relaxing to a good cd, or dancing, or singing (not very well but who cares) i used to play the keyboard too, so once im sussed with the guitar i will start back on keyboards again.

im looking into doing a night school class, maybe try and get into web design, or something similar.

im doing some work for the business and eventually will pick up more, maybe even have an office job in the future. we dont really know there yet.

im finding myself again, and im going to enjoy myself again.

everything.

Olivias sleeping during the night is getting so much better, thank goodness, now i just have to work on getting to sleep, i tend to toss and turn a lot!! Olivia is waking usually twice (over the past few nights) so thats not too bad, i can deal with that.

Kaylee is being a 2 year old... and its driving me nuts, thank god for kindy because i just dont have the energy to deal with her

PND/Depression has reared its ugly head a couple of times, but im trying so hard to beat it, i am in control, at the moment anyway, and working on ways to keep this at bay. i suffered from this with kaylee, so i know what to look for now.

I had Olivias 5mth check at plunket yesterday (yep 5mths already!) however she hasnt gained any weigh since her 3 mth check, she is still 6.1kg. she is on the 25% line for height, and just under it for weight, so the nurse wasnt toooo worried because she is all in proportian. however i have to do a self weigh in a couple of months, just to be sure.

i have a lot going on im my life right now (things that i just will not blog about), so i dont get the time to sit on the computer too much, i do try to read everyone, and follow everyones journesy, beit weightloss, your life, your children, pregnancies. i am thinking of you all lots

back to reality.

Good Friends

Its really nice to have good friends, there was a time in my life that i didnt have any friends at all, i was lonely and did some stupid things just to try and make friends, needless to say those friends i no longer know, or care about. i do wonder about them, i wonder if they did end up in jail, or if they are dead, or if they finally sorted their shit out, somehow, i doubt it.....

Last night i went out to a dear friends place and met up with another dear friend there too, both of which like me for who i am, not for material things, not for a pretend-acting-up me, just for me, its comfortable, its nice, its great to have a goss/bitch/laugh/cry with my friends and know that they think like me, they appreciate me, just like i love and appreciate them. it was fantastic to get out of the house for a few hours, it was a really pleasant night, not doing anything, not getting dressed up, just blobbing and gossing, i love it! Thank you :)

i woke up this morning feeling like a truck had hit me, i feel like ARSE! so i jumped in the shower, and tried to relax, i get out of the shower to find Kaylee spread talc powder from asshole to breakfast and she looks at me, grins and says "thats a bit naughty aye mummy" hmmm, ya think? Then Olivia poo'd all over me, and the phone just wouldnt stop ringing (i have half a voice right now!) i just lost the plot a little bit, i didnt know where to start, i couldnt calm down to be able to work out what to do next, i texted my friend and told her that i just couldnt come out today, (we had plans) i didnt know how, and so she came and got Kaylee and they are at the zoo at the moment having a great time, i managed to hang out a heap of washing today, and vacuum and tidy most of the house (i closed the doors on the rest of it! lazy aye!) so mentally i feel a bit better now that i have "done something" physically i still feel like arse, and of course all i can take is panadol... god give me coldral nowwww! lol

id kill to have a maid right now, lol anyone need a job?

:) thanks

thought i would do a quick update :)

nothing much has changed on the sleeping front, im very lucky if i get 3 (straight) hours, last night was 2 hours of very broken sleep, the rest was just sitting up awake, its not nice, but im working through it and taking on heaps of your lovely ideas, as well as other ideas from friends and family.

im definitely not giving up breastfeeding, just thought i would clarify :) i have wayyyy too much milk for that! lol im just trying to get Olivia used to the formula so that Darryl can feed her at night, and i can sleep in the spare room for a bit, but shes not taking the formula at all, lol would much prefer the boobie juice! but we are working on it :)

so yes still very tired, still loosing the plot a bit, still trying very hard, the teethies are JUST under the surface, so once they cut through i am hoping she gets better fast, otherwise its straight to the dr to see what else may be going on!

thanks again :) its really lovely to have friends like you

xxx

Downward Spiral

Its how im feeling right now, like im slowly going into a hole and not being able to climb out very fast at all.

Olivia is not sleeping during the night, (shes fine in the day time!) but of course if she doesnt sleep at night, it means i dont sleep at night, ive worked out that i have had abot 9-10 hours sleep in the past 4 nights, all up. its very hard. she hasnt been the best sleeper ever since birth, its a good night when she wakes twice in the night, so really i have been living on very little sleep since i was a couple of months pregnant, so for about a year now. i get the very occasional sleep through the night, but its a rare occasion and it really isnt enough to catch up. it doesnt help that she is teething, VERY badly teething, she screams and cries constantly, she is in agony and there really isnt much at all i can do for her (pamol, bonjela, teething powder, cold things) and it sux, it sux to see your baby in so much pain, it makes it very hard going out at the moment, it makes things difficult to have a face to face conversation with another adult.

Lack of sleep to me is the worst of the worst, i NEED my sleep, i need sleep to function normally to be the best mama i can be, and right now im not the best mama, infact i suck. im using the TV as my babysitter with Kaylee, i sit on my arse all day because im too tired to do anything, im SO behind on the housework, and because of the weather we just have piles and piles of washing to catch up on. its all just getting on top of me and i dont know for how much longer i can keep up this little charade.

Now i really dont give a flying fuck if you life is harder than mine right now so i should be counting my lucky stars blah blah blah, i honestly dont want to hear it, and i honestly dont give a shit.

Im sick to death of putting everyone else, friends, family, people i hardly know, before myself, every year i make a promise to myself that i will start looking after MYSELF better, i will put ME first. but it doesnt happen, i come last, and i probably always will come last, its just the way life is, as a mother, my family comes first, as a friend, i put them first. but of course if i make the decision to put myself first, why the hell do i feel guilty about it?

Human instinct? who knows...

Darryl is working SO much at the moment, he needs to do it in order to keep up, he has to keep up in order to keep the contracts, he left a couple of hours later today so that i could have a sleep before he left, just so i could have SOMETHING, but because he did that, it means that he either works later tonight or he does some work tomorrow. he is trying so hard, but i wish he was home with me some more i really do. the sooner someone else is hired the better i think.

so tonight im going to the supermarket to get Olivia some formula. not an easy decision for me, even though Kaylee was basically a formula baby from the start, i have been so proud of myself for breastfeeding Olivia, it was great that i could (can) do it. but i cannot express any off, and i need to sleep. so Darryl is on night watch tonight, he will have the formula to feed her with, (i will probably wake up with rocks for boobs! haha) i just hope she will take it, otherwise it just means that i still wont get any sleep, baby needs to be fed, what can you do?

so yes, im tired, grumpy, hormonal, down, and just plain yukky.

i hope to snap out of it real soon.

Ka Kite

my 101 list

I have been a little busy lately, not only sorting my life out (and in the process crossing off wee things off my 101 list!) but trying to be a better person too, i think im a pretty good person, always (like anyone i guess, we are only human) have room for improvement! im working especially on how i parent my children, i have a wee way to go but im proud of what i have accomplished so far.

Kate, you have to tell me (yes... again... lol) how to cross off my list! i think it goes
OK, the 101 List, what have i done lately?

#11 - in a roundabout way this is done, we have gone into partnership with a couple of other people and our business is no longer our business, im not going to go into a lot of detail but its a fantastic way to grow the business and a great opportunity for us as a family.

#12 - we are working on this, seriously looking to purchase a house, i must say though, some RE agents just SUCK! and im not the type of person to be talked to like im a peice of shit (some - not all agents, just thought i would clarify!) and i have clashed with quite a few agents, some dont return ph calls, emails, msgs, some are very rude and arrogant... add to that the fact that we are looking for our first home in Auckland where the prices are just stupid, and the only areas that we can afford are basically scumsville... we drove through one area 5pmish last night, tagging everywhere, people OPENLY doing drugs on the street, dogs everywhere... it just breaks your heart really that THIS is the area that you can afford to buy, the total lack of respect for other people, themselves, other peoples property and their own property, i just dont get it. we went through at that time yesterday evening because its about the time we like to go for a walk, and we thought that we would see what was around... lets just say we will not be going anywhere near there again. we will be thinking outside the square a little bit and doing some investigating, but hey, at least we are working on it!

#24 - Done, my birthday bbq was very cool and both Kate and Emily agreed that this was #24 done, new and old friends coming together and meeting :) was lovely

#25 - meet new friends, through various sources i have met plenty of new friends recently, its been really neat, and i feel very blessed to have them in my life. as a result, i usually have something on every day, lol so keeping very busy too!

#26 - i will always make time for all of my friends new and old, i love nothing more than having a goss with a good friend, we know each other well, we know each others lives, its comfortable, there is nothing new, and i like that. i love how when i go shopping with Kate, we have our "usual carparks" our "usual place" to meet, our "usual cafe" to go to for coffee, its comfy and its nice, and its always so neat to have a good goss/bitch!

#39 - pass my full licence, well this morning i did just that, i passed, i was so "lucky" in that not only did i have the testing dude, but i had the moderating dude who was moderating the testing dude and myself.... ohhh the joy... the test was OKKK i wouldnt want to repeat it again anytime soon though! but right at the end i had to parallel park.... i didnt even do that for my restricted 10 years ago! (yeah, its been that long! slack aye!) lol but i did ok!

#56 - our visa cards are both now paid off in full, one is sitting in credit, one is a fuel card for the company. done!

#60 - ok i have cheated here a bit... i worked out where the automatic mode was! easy and done! :)

so as you can see i have been busy, ive had sooo many more things go on as well, but im sure this is enough for now :)

Olivia's first time in the Jolly Jumper

i have to share these pics, they are gorgeous!!!!

Opportunities

First of all, Happy Birthday Darryl!!! :) xxx luv ya hun!

Now... Opportunities, they come and go, whether or not you want to take an opportunity thrown your way is completely up to you, but they are part of what shapes your life, you either take this path, or a new one, and where will it lead you? you either find out or you dont i guess!

We have been blessed this year, from today we have 2 opportunites infront of us, one personal, one business, both of them fantastic for the future of our family. we have talked about it, argued about it (as ya do!), thought about it, and decided that both opportunities we will take. Its a very exciting (and stressful and busy!) time for us, i cant talk much about the business thing yet (confidentiality contracts and all that!) but for the personal one, it means that very soon, we will be proud home owners :)

My mother and her partner are applying for a new Mortgage tonight, Darryl and i get to find a house we like, (with potential preferrably) in a certain price bracket, we pay the full Mortgage, insurance, rates etc, with my Mum and her Partner owning the house, but we get to do anything we want to it. (making sense? good!) once we decide to sell the house, Mum and T will get their deposit back, plus half share profit, and we will get anything we put into the house (mortgage payments, renovation money etc) plus half share profit, this gives Mum the opportunity to invest some money like she has always wanted to do, and gives us the opportunity to own our first home without the major hassles (and huge mortgages) that some people have to deal with.

I love my Mum so much for this opportunity, because without it i doubt VERY much if we could ever get into our own home, it is so very hard and we are on quite a high income, i would hate to know how people on low-average incomes make it, because i find it hard enough! i guess you move out of Auckland to own your own home.... but we are SO excited, and totally have our DIY caps on! so great opportunities coming our way, and we are truely blessed :)

We have today, given Kaylees daycare 2 weeks compulsary notice that she will not be going anymore, at $100 a week for 3 half days (inc food) it has been a blessing for me, but its something else unfortunatly that we have just got to cut back on, we have her on the waiting list at our local private kindy, so she will go there soon, at $14 a session its a hell of a lot cheaper!! (Public Kindy doesnt start until age 3.5-3.8 years here, so thats a while away yet).

I took Olivia for her 3 mths immunisations today (shes 4mths old today! can you believe it!!!) she screamed so bad, i nearly cried too!! gave her a feed straight afterwards though and that settled her heaps and heaps, now shes fast asleep, and Kaylee is meant to be fast asleep but is quietly trashing her bedroom!!!

Kaylee is still going great with her toilet training! even the occasional Poo, which rocks!!

You know when your childless, the thought of talking about wees and poos is a bit gross... now its just everyday chatter! lol

theres some REALLY funky new music out at the moment, im loving Hinder, and the Kooks, and My Chemical Romance, and Fall Out Boy and fergie and Gwen Stefani (have always LOVED Gwen Stefani & No Doubt) and so much more, its funky, its basey, its groovey, love it!

I got my hair done on Saturday with the voucher i got for my birthday, if i am to have one vice in my life, i choose getting my hair done regularly, i absolutely LOVE it! i feel SO much better when i have it done, i love going to the salon, having mummy time, letting someone pamper ME! (i LOVE the massage chairs they have at the salon i go to when you get your hair shampooed!) I am no sporting a funky short do (again, lol) with red (BRIGHT) and blondey highlights, its very different and i LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!!!! sometimes i just have to get out of the mummy zone and feel like me again, and this does it for me every time!

still no luck selling my damn car.... SUX!! we have dropped the price as far as it can go, and have had a wee bit of interest... but usually nothing comes of it...

we are trying to sell Darryls boat too, no luck there either... dammit!

Olivia is great, Kaylee is great, I am great, Darryl is great (if not getting a little old! haha)

Over and out from the land of Carla :) xxx

How prepared are you?

I have learnt, in my adult life, that people are so hohum when it comes to emergancys, or disasters, they are so "oh it wont happen to me" or "the govt will have a plan, we will be sweet" but WHAT IF something does happen to you?

When the Matata (Bay of Plenty) floods happened, it put me into shock, im from Edgecumbe, a small country town just under 10 minutes away from Matata, i had friends and family affected, and noone was prepared.

If you had 5 minutes to get as much as you could and leave, do you have things prepared to grab? do you have torches, Candles and Matches, blankets, first aid kits in a place to grab very quickly? do you have a small supply of food? water? if you were stuck in your house for a week without power or water, would you survive? do you have enough supplies to last you?

Or do you expect everyone else to provide for you?

As an adult, as a parent, as a mother, i have to look after, provide and care for my children, in an emergancy this is just as important. it doesnt matter about myself and Darryl not eating heaps, but our children still need to be fed, they still need to have water.

We have animals, they need caring for, do you have supplies of pet food?

im not saying you have a whole shed dedicated to "just in case" thats just a bit silly, (and expensive!) but a few bottles of water, some batteries, torches, radio, tins of food, being stored away in a plastic box (or backpacks as some people i know do) doesnt hurt. It doesnt cost much to set up, we started by purchasing a couple of things a week, our local supermarket a few months ago had tins of soup for 25c a tin, so i got heaps of them, beans, spagetti, tins of fish, rice. all these things can feed your family.

i will be honest, i had the shits put up me last night with the Earthquakes we had in Auckland, i went into survival mode, i got my emergancy kit by the door, i double checked all torches, i got blankets and clothing ready, i got water prepared. so if for any reason we had to leave in a hurry, we could, WITH supplies.

I think to be honest i put the shits up some of my friends and family too... but it got them thinking, and i make no apologys for that :)

I am not a sook, or a pussy, or a pedantic freak, i come from a town where Earthquakes are very common, but i also come from a town that has had their share of natural disasters (a huge Earthquake being one of them) but when we have an earthquake in Auckland, a VERY shallow earthquake only 30km off the Orewa coast and 6KM down. It does scare the bejesus out of me, and it does get me even more ready than when i was before.

ok SURE you dont have to be scared shitless and stay home 'just in case' thats just dumb, you dont have to worry every 5 minutes where your kids are, or your husband/wife.

But for goodness sakes, get prepared.

http://www.getthru.govt.nz/Emergency-Survival-Kit.57.0.html

http://www.survive-it.co.nz/

http://www.mcdem.govt.nz/memwebsite.nsf/wpg_URL/Being-Prepared-What-to-do-Index?OpenDocument

Just stuff...

I was undecided for the last week whether or not to post, hence no entries on my part, i havent been in the best mood, and didnt want to come across as "poor me" because thats not what i am feeling at all, it has however been like a mini rollercoaster this week of emotions, due to tiredness and exhaustion amongst other things. not to mention the amount of damn "hawkers" coming to my door lately, its driving me crazy! ive had Kirby (vacuum cleaners) 3 times in the last fortnight, tree trimming guys, landscapers, roof restorers, Jehouver wittnesses, Mormons, foot people (cant remember the name for them) its pretty crazy how many i get, i kind of want the mormons back, they were pretty hot... :) and they offered to do my gardening! haha

Olivia is getting pretty terrible with her sleeping, we are taking 1 step foward and 2 steps back at the moment with this bub, i do realise and understand that she is not quite 4 months old yet, and that babies do take time to settle in, but take last night for example, she was awake from 6pm-2.30am, when she (and I!) finally crashed, she was then awake at 5.30am and back asleep at 7am, when of course i had to get up and shower to try and keep awake to be a mummy to Kaylee! (who by the way is on the couch eating muesli bars watching Barney the Dinosaur... its lazy day today and i dont really care!) this has been however the worst night by far, so im hoping that tonight is so much better! but Olivia has been a wee bit unsettled for a good couple of weeks, we got her sleeping right through the night (from 7pm - 6.30am) and it was BLISS! how i wish for that now! but all we can do is keep on truckin!

Olivia was weighed and measured last week (16 weeks) and was 6.1kg and 60cm which is heaps smaller than Kaylee when she was weighed at just before 3 months! its great that Olivia still fits into her teeny clothes, im definitely getting my moneys worth out of them!!! Olivia also rolled for the first time last week, so that was cool, i got pics nearly identical (under the same change mat, both in the nudeys) to when Kaylee first rolled (however Kaylee rolled at 9 weeks, Olivia at 15)

Kaylee however is being brilliant with her toilet training, apart from #2s she hasnt had an accident for over a week now, its just happened so quickly and she is VERY independant with it all, its great! my little bubba isnt a bubba anymore! *sob* her speech is amazing too, very little gabble now, unless she is talking on the phone, and she has beautiful manners compared to other children (some) that i know, always uses please and thank you, sometimes needs a wee reminder, but is generally pretty good at it, just have to teach her "excuse me" because she is constantly butting in, one step at a time!!!

I unfortunatly had one of my cats put to sleep on Monday, it was heart wrenching for me to make that decision, and i hated the idea of it (still do) but she had been ill for a while, the vets was costing a small fortune, and she just wasnt getting any better, had even stopped grooming herself, she was so vulnerable to all the other neighbourhood cats, but hated being inside all the time, the last straw for me was when she was attacked by a neighbours cat and scratched right on her eye, it got infected (esp with this heat!) very very quickly and she was in a lot of pain, that and everything else that was wrong with her, basically made the decision for me. but i hate the feeling that i had, i hate that i made the decision to effectively kill one of my beloved family members, it really hurts me that i couldnt do anything more for her. sux.

ive eaten nothing but shit for the past week, pizza twice, loads of white starchy carbs, chocolate, chips, lollies, ive been very silly, and regretted every bit i have put in my mouth, but havent been able to stop myself, however i went food shopping yesterday, did not buy lollies, or chocolate, or chips, god fruit and veggies and salad, healthy muesli bars, yoghurts, lean meat (apart from chicken wings) and basmati rice. $102 was my shopping bill for the week, at a more expensive supermarket too (countdown) as pak n save was blocked by an accident. i feel bloated i feel gross, my skin is disgusting, my hair is horrid (however i have an appt on Sunday - cant wait! pamper session!!!)

so yes, im hoping for a much easier and better week from today, im hoping to be back in a couple of days with a more positive and upbeat post.

xxx

Happy Anniversary Hun!!! xxx

Yep, its our first Wedding Anniversary today, also its 6 years to the very day we met. So a very special occasion!

Its been a year full of ups and downs, (that i do not blog about, i keep my relationship private) but we have worked together and im happy that this year brings a fresh new start, and we just cannot wait to get on with life and build a future for ourselves and our children.

I cannot believe (looking back at photos of our wedding, and talking to people) how much i have changed in just one short year, I am a lot healthier in mind and body, im 10 kg lighter at the moment than i was on the day of my wedding, i think differently, i act differently, and i find all of this a very positive thing. it means with everything i learn, i grow mentally, i take on the things i am taught and i act on them. i find it healing.

We had a lovely weekend, my SIL & BIL arrived yesterday morning to take their children back, and they offered to have Kaylee for the afternoon too, which i gratefully accepted, so Darryl, Olivia and I went to a friends wedding overlooking the Manukau Harbour, was just stunning, the rain held out too, the ceremony was beautiful, it was an Indian/NZ wedding, and the Sari's were devine!

Unfortunatly Olivia started playing up a bit once the Ceremony was over (had a VERY unsettled day with her yesterday) so waiting around at the hall for an hour before the bride and groom arrived just wasnt going to happen unfortunatly, so we went for a drive to settle her and arrived up to the spot where we got married (North Head reserve in Devonport) where we watched a guy jump off the cliff parachuting and kids sliding down the hill on strips of cardboard and familys having picnics and people relaxing, was just lovely.

Then we decided to make the most of Kaylee being looked after and we went to Lonestar in Takapuna for dinner, i had my favourite Apache fish and salad, and Darryl had the lovely looking (but i wont try because i dont eat mushrooms!) Jonny Cash Stash (i can see Emily drooling from here!) i got my meal small portioned and Darryl should of! haha it was HUGE! he brought heaps of it home with him for lunch today! then of course as it was our Anniversary dinner we couldnt go past desert (which we both couldnt finish!) and i got an amazing Jack Daniels hot choc fudge pudding and Darryl got the compulsary Kahlua and Moro bar cheesecake! seemed a shame leaving half of it behind, but we just couldnt do it! haha

From our wedding ceremony...

...Marriage is the ultimate in sharing for two souls whose parallel presence walks beside them, sharing their passions, their enjoyment of each other, supporting them in their individual pursuits as well as their joint ones. It is being a friend, encouraging and assisting one another if necessary, along a journey of love; with the happiness and strength of a true, loyal and committed partner. Marriage is two, who compliment one another well, mingling and sharing; both having the dedication to stay open to one another, revealing more of your inner selves and learning still more of each other's finer points along the way. It is an intimate adventure with this most special person....