Life goes on :)

Right, where have i been? what have i been up to??

not much really! haha

I had a lovely Mothers day, got a nice bunch of flowers and then proceeded to get thoroughly pissed on Sunday night. ate heaps of yummy things like cheeses and hummis and dips and pita breads, was great! Just had a nice relaxing day really. heaps of fun!

Then my kids got sick, Kaylee didnt go to kindy at all last week (back today thank god!) she had a terrible cold and at one stage couldnt talk because her throat hurt. didnt take her long to bounce back thank god! So it was a bit of a hard week, Olivia still playing up at night and Kaylee so full on because she was sick during the day, i was pretty damn tired!!

Friday morning i had Olivia allergy tested, unfortunatly at this age (under the age of 1) they dont test any airbourne allergins, so she only got tested for food allergys, which she has none, so im quite happy about that!

Saturday morning Darryl had the day off work (rare occurance) and we all met up with SIL & BIL and kids up at Darryls parents place and had morning tea there for Darryls Nanas birthday, great for the kids to have a run around and for the adults to sit and blob knowing the kids cant go anywhere!!!

Sunday morning i went out with my BIL to go Tattoo Parlour shopping (aka checking out places to see what they are like so we can book our tats to be done) and guitar shopping, turned out to be one hell of a flop of a morning really lol NOTHING was open! places that have ALWAYS been open on a Sunday werent open at all, so we have to wait until Darryl has another Saturday off so we can go out on a Saturday to get it all sorted (so he can watch the kids, im so NOT taking any children to a Tattoo place!!!) i was hoping to get my tattoo by now, but ive promised BIL that i will wait for him, he has to perfect his design first. i cant wait though!! then i can work on my next design! haha

Other than that, im just cruising, taking each day as it comes, up to day 14 now of my medication, hopefully very soon it will start to kick in, i definitely have my up and down moments and i definitely need to slow down

working on it!

Hi, my name is Carla, and I suffer from Depression...

Ive been trying to work out a way, over the past few days, to word this post, I have written and rewritten it in my head, and still it just doesnt sound right, and it probably wont, because realistically im the only one that knows what on earth im on about!!

You may notice (when i do post... haha) how my posts are so up and down all the time, i do try not to be too blah, but sometimes when i read back to what i have written, well its just a bit negative isnt it. I will try to change that, promise :)

I try so damn hard to be the perfect mother and wife and friend, that i forget about myself, i put everyone else first, and then i realise that im never #1, so who else can help me, but me?

I tried to do everything right this time, i tried to relax and just go with it, but yet still the depression hits, im slowly starting to realise that unfortunatly its something that i just cannot control, its something that i do need help with and as much as i say i try to look after myself, i get put to last place, all the time, i need to become #1 sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes. im always the one who holds other people together, who helps everyone, its just what i do, i try hard to make everyone else happy.

A few people have emailed me to check up on me :) you know who you are, thank you, means a lot.

I am now taking Fluoxetine, which is an anti-depressant, when it starts working (usually takes a few weeks to start kicking in) its going to help me cope with day to day living, its going to help me think straight, and its going to help me see a way out of the hole im in at the moment.

Depression is a hole, if youve never suffered then its very hard to explain, but its like you get deeper and deeper into this hole, you cant see the sunlight anymore and then the weight starts bearing down on your shoulders and you cant see a way out of it, your not strong enough to get rid of the weight on your shoulders to climb out of the hole, its a dark place to be, its not nice.

I hide from the world, its what i do, at the moment i have 3 "safe zones" my place, Darryls parents place and my SIL & BILs place, i feel safe in these houses, and im tending to stick to staying around these areas. eventually i will move out into the world a bit more, but right now, i need my safety.

So many things contribute to the depression, lack of sleep, children, babies, stress, husbands (hehe), life in general, but i think that even if my life was perfect, i would probably still suffer, there is just something in me and i need to learn to accept that, treat it and move on with it.

its an illness, not a disability.

SO its time for me to look foward.

what do i have to look foward to?

-The rest of my life...

-My babies growing up

-becoming a professional musician (haha)

-getting my tattoo, then getting the next one after it! haha

-being happy....

i can do this, i can beat this, i am stronger than this.

peace