processing thoughts

lately there hasnt really been much going on to be honest, ive still had respite every day, tomorrow will be my first day without it.

Tomorrow im going to a PostNatal support group, im pretty nervous about going, but im hoping it will be beneficial for me (and my family of course) im going in a bit blind not knowing really what its all about, but im hoping that it will help me overcome all of this. Cant hurt to try right?

ive had heaps of time to think lately, which has been good, ive put on weight again with all this thats going on, and im dissapointed in myself for that, however one of the side effects of the medication im on is weight gain, so ive accepted the gain and just have to look at why im putting on weight and do something about it. i very rarely get out of the house anymore, so ive been putting the exercise bike to good use, and i have lost a couple of kilos in the last couple of weeks, so that is something i guess, i just need to keep it up :)

hopefully i will be back soon with a more interesting post for you to read!!

update

Today was a very sad day for us, Darryls Nana passed away a couple of weeks ago and it was her funeral today, it brought the family together, and sometimes its a sad thing that it takes someone passing to bring the family all together again. RIP dear Nana you will be terribly missed xxx

there has been a lot going on still in our lives, the children are getting older and more independant, Kaylee is talking a lot more and understanding more than what we think she does, but at the same time is a lot more demanding, which is hard. Olivia is crawling, and is nearly 10 months old, scary to think that the month after next she turns 1.

im still not myself, there has been a lot of fiddling with medications and they are still not right, its frustrating for me that it has been this long and im still not right, kind of scary too, i guess i didnt realise how sick i actually am and have been. i constantly feel sluggish and slow and am still scared to drive, because if this is how i feel at home, how would it be on the road. but i am getting there

i have been talking to Darryl about going back to work, i miss the corporate world, i miss my work friends and i miss doing things that dont revolve around children. but we have made the choice to have children, so they do need to be our priority, and if i did go back to work i would need to find a job that covers the cost of daycare, which is hideously priced, and with the work that i know how to do, im not sure if there is a job out there that suits me, i did want to work for our own business, but im unsure at the moment exactly what i want to do and when i want to do it, i just know that staying at home with the kids fulltime is no longer what i want or enjoy. im not sure if its the illness talking, or if its just a fact of life and i just need to trundle on through.

im still taking 1 day at a time, 1 step at a time, i know that eventually i will get better, but its frustrating at how long its taking, Darryl says that he sees glimpses of the real me now and again, oh how i wish for that full time, i just wish i was ME and i wish i had the energy to do the things i used to do.

so anyway, i havent moved forward, but i havent moved backwards, so that is something i guess, one day i will be back, and im sure everyone will know the time has come, i just wish it was sooner rather than later.

i will leave you with a quote i found when reading a forum of mine that i go to,

"dont regret something that once made you smile"

i like the quote, and i find it makes you think a little, never regret your past, its made you who you are today, you cant change what happened yesterday though, but you can have control over what tomorrow will be like

i just have to hold onto that.

much luv

xxxxx