PMD and other stuff :)

Sandra, no offence is ever taken :) i love comments, no matter what they may be, i guess sometimes its hard in blogland, you never get the full picture of the person you are reading, their full life, their full actions and indiscretions, because we only choose parts of our lives to write about :)

I have on many an occasion considered the fact that I may have PND and i will be honest in saying i am avoiding the dr like the plague (i am quite overdue for a smear!) because she will pick up on it, i personally DO NOT want to be on drugs again, thats just me, thats just my decision, (i am working in other directions to fight this) i was on Fluoxitine (prozac) for a long time with Kaylee, and those of you who knew me then, will know that i was a VERY different person with Kaylee than i am now, Kaylee was such an easy baby, she made everything to do with having a baby a breeze, slept through the night at an early age, took to formula well, took to solids well, it was just ME that was messed up, i felt so horrid and discusting all the time, and i couldnt work out why, i also had very little in the way of a support system, i had very few friends and being a first time mama, i really didnt have a clue.

I am such a different person now than i was then, i have so much more in place in way of a support system, (and i have my blog where i can get it alllll out! haha) i have so many friends and family around, i have a great husband who helps any way that he can and i have a lot of people i can talk to, im also more open and honest with my feelings, im more aware of my feelings and my actions and how they affect me and others, and i know so much more about having kids now than i did then! (it helps, believe me!) but i just need to remember that Olivia is a different child, she will never be Kaylee, i can compare them till im blue in the face and they are just so unbelievably different its not funny! I guess to me it was (and still is) such a culture shock, after having the "perfect" (for lack of a better word) baby first time, and now having a baby who wakes all the time in the night, doesnt put on weight, and is very slow at reaching her developmental milestones, it makes me feel like im doing something wrong, what did i do SO right with Kaylee, that im doing SO wrong with Olivia.

But then i have to stop, and think, and remember.... i am not doing anything wrong, im working my ass off trying to be a great Mama and life teacher, im doing all i can to give my babies the best life they can have, physically and emotionally, i have 2 totally different children, i cannot in any way, shape or form even begin to compare them, i cannot let myself get down about the fact that Olivia is so different than Kaylee (and vice versa) i just have to take each day at a time, each hour at a time, and just wing it for now.

A lot of my posts lately have been a little odd, weird, negative, however if i dont get it out, i bottle it up, and i would much rather have you all think im a bit of a freak, than go absolutly crazy again, i just cant have that, i have myself, my children, my husband, my friends and family to think of. i have to be the best person i can be, for now, right now. because if i dont, then im doing myself an injustice.