Finding Carla

yep, still on my wee mission :)

ive almost decided on what kind of tattoo to get, i just have to perfect the design and do the whole toilet door thing for a month or so... or will i just go and get it... ive wanted it for long enough, watch this space. im not going to show you though, until i get it.

ive considered on many occasions making my blog private (follow the leader!) or starting a new one, just for me, just to get my own personal thoughts out, but really at the moment i dont have the time or energy to keep that up, hence why my posts are a bit out-of-it, so much is going on that i just cant talk about, things that have the potential to make me a very bad person, and im just not going there. i am not a bad person. i have been talking about things with someone, and that has helped heaps, but things im just not willing to share with people i dont know that well, hope you understand. I need to get my head around a few things, i need to start living properly again.

im still loving playing the guitar, its fantastic, i love going into our cruddy spare room and shutting the door behind me and just turning off the world for a while. i dont care that i cant play that well, i dont care that i sound like a strangled cat when i sing, im just loving it.

Ive lost my bathroom scales, i have NO idea where they are, i have searched high and low, therefor i have NO idea what i weigh. and really. at this point and time. i dont give a fuck. all my clothes (including my tight jeans) are loose. that has to be a good sign, either that, or i have stretched everything to buggery :)

i love my kids, but ive kinda had enough being a stay at home mama, im very blessed that we have the type of income that we can afford for me to stay at home, however im bored, doing the same things over and over and over again. and my kids are suffering because of that, and i hate that my kids are suffering because of basically my own selfishness, therefor, im going back to work, not yet, but soon, maybe in about 6mths time. a position may be open for me, i just have to finalise details, but we have several months for that. i will miss my babies. but i MISS ME, and i just have to do something about that.

I always thought that my calling in life was to be a Mama, was to raise a family, up until (very) recently, i was definitely not going back to work until all my children were at school, i was definitely not going to be a working mother, hell we can afford for me not to be, (with some sacrifices) so why not? but i didnt realise that i would - in gaining a family - lose myself, which essentially i have, now i have changed (for the better i think) and daily am changing, daily i am finding new things about myself, im finding more courage and more passion and more ME, more of who i used to be. more of who i want to be, without disadvantaging my children and husband, but still being positive for me.

Im off to the pub tomorrow night (as said in a previous post) something so simple for so many people is popping down to your local for a beer, shit, i havent done that since i was about 19!! im only 25 years old for fucks sakes, im not old! ive said it before and i will say it again, im looking foward to getting pissed off my tree :) (ok, well having a few drinks anyway! lol that should be enough) im looking foward to having a kanikani and letting my (short) hair down for a bit!

My mother and 2 sisters are coming to visit tomorrow, they will stay until Tuesday, so im really looking foward to that, having a few more pairs of hands around to keep Kaylee and Olivia occupied, it will be nice that i have a bit of adult company in the house on the days that Darryl is at work, it will be great for them to catch up with the kidlets too, hopefully make this household a bit smoother for a few days!

the Auckland home show is coming very soon.... exciting for us :) watch this space hehe