more ramblings...

you know sometimes it just feels like im all alone with my illness, even though the rational side of me tells me no, i have all my friends and family, the support on here and other support networks.

but noone can get into my head, noone knows what really is going on unless i tell them, but i find it so hard sometimes to put it in words, how overwhelming the depression is, how overwhelming the sense of uselessness is, how overwhelming the irritability is and the sense of being alone.

i dontknow why its so hard, it just is and every day when i wake up in the morning i wish for a good day, and when it turns to custard i cant handle it, but i cant withdraw like i would so dearly love to, i have 2 kids to look after, but then im not really looking after them am i? the tv is always on, food comes from packets, some days they dont even get dressed, they just stay in their pjs all day. its not because i cant be bothered, its because i dont know how, i dont know where to start and i get so overwhelmed that it just seems like such a giant mountain and im too unfit to climb it

my husband has started saying to me "CHOOSE to be happy hun" and "only YOU control your mind" he just doesnt understand that ive completely lost control, i have no control over day to day things, i have no control over my mind, and i just dont know how to get that control back ive been reading a lot, about depression, about changing your thoughts and ive been trying, really i have, but i need outside help, i dont know what im doing, and it feels like im doing it all wrong because its not helping my house is a dump, i cry and cry over how horrible my house is, i just dont know where to start and every time i put a dent in the mess, the next day im back to square 1, its something people always comment on, but noone helps with

i so desperatly want to be like some of you gals, beautiful healthy home, healthy kids, healthy self, tidy house, housework routine, baking, cooking, cleaning, dishes i know what needs doing, i just find it so hard to do it

people tell me to take one step at a time, one day at a time, but what step do i take first? to what path? it just all seems so hard and i dont know what to do or where to start and i hate it, i hate this illness, i hate what its done to me, i hate what its done to my friends, my family, my life, i just so desperatly want it all to go away and it just wont.