even more ramblings...

excuse me while i ramble a bit......

wow all your support amazes me, it humbles me and im blown away by the kindness of others i just feel like i dont deserve it, or shouldnt accept it, you all have SO much going on, so much more than i can even imagine, some of you have experienced things recently that noone should ever have to go through, and yet you still want to help others, im really embarressed by my other posts, it all feels a bit 'poor me' and please believe that im not like that at all, i like to hide, i like to escape into my own little mind and keep to myself, but it does help to write it all out sometimes.

i know that im sick, and im so sick of being sick, hence going to the holistic centre, i need to be well again, for myself, my kids, my husband, my friends, im just so worried that very soon everyone is going to tire of me and im going to lose everything, even the thought of that devestates me.

Darryl spoke on the ph to the oncall crisis dr last night, and he really let him know exactly how he was feeling, how sick of it all he is, how every time i start being normal again they cut my drugs, and i go downhill really fast again, and then they just take a 'wait and see' approach, we are sick of waiting, just to find out that they will increase the drugs again, we are sick of being left to our own devices and struggling every day, Darryls sick of going to work, only to have me call him crying to come home, we are self employed, we cant afford for him to come home all the time, im sick of not coping, but im still waiting for the little lightswitch to turn on in my brain making everything normal again.

ive started to explain how im feeling by saying that im in a deep dark hole and the rope that they have thrown me is just too short, this is how i feel