and more ramblings

the guilt is really getting to me today, i put Olivia down for an early sleep and crawled back into bed myself, i feel so much 'safer' in bed, even though im alone with my thoughts, i feel warm and comforted, like DH is still there.

Today i miss him, i miss him a lot and its times like these where i wish that he was home with me, just so i can have hugs and kisses whenever i need them, its just not an option though, he has no choice but to work

im not sending Kaylee to kindy today, its wet, and cold and its the perfect weather for the way im feeling, but i just cant face the 'real world' not today, i feel so guilty because of it, but i dont think i can walk out my front gate i really dont

Mum rang before and shes offered to have me go down there and stay, but again im leaving the safety of my own home and going 4 hours away to stay just scares me a little, but i will talk to DH about that tonight

i woke up this morning feeling ok, but trying to do the easy day to day stuff just completely overwhelmed me, it feels so hard, but then i ask myself 'what is hard about that?' and i cannot answer

even more ramblings...

excuse me while i ramble a bit......

wow all your support amazes me, it humbles me and im blown away by the kindness of others i just feel like i dont deserve it, or shouldnt accept it, you all have SO much going on, so much more than i can even imagine, some of you have experienced things recently that noone should ever have to go through, and yet you still want to help others, im really embarressed by my other posts, it all feels a bit 'poor me' and please believe that im not like that at all, i like to hide, i like to escape into my own little mind and keep to myself, but it does help to write it all out sometimes.

i know that im sick, and im so sick of being sick, hence going to the holistic centre, i need to be well again, for myself, my kids, my husband, my friends, im just so worried that very soon everyone is going to tire of me and im going to lose everything, even the thought of that devestates me.

Darryl spoke on the ph to the oncall crisis dr last night, and he really let him know exactly how he was feeling, how sick of it all he is, how every time i start being normal again they cut my drugs, and i go downhill really fast again, and then they just take a 'wait and see' approach, we are sick of waiting, just to find out that they will increase the drugs again, we are sick of being left to our own devices and struggling every day, Darryls sick of going to work, only to have me call him crying to come home, we are self employed, we cant afford for him to come home all the time, im sick of not coping, but im still waiting for the little lightswitch to turn on in my brain making everything normal again.

ive started to explain how im feeling by saying that im in a deep dark hole and the rope that they have thrown me is just too short, this is how i feel

more ramblings...

you know sometimes it just feels like im all alone with my illness, even though the rational side of me tells me no, i have all my friends and family, the support on here and other support networks.

but noone can get into my head, noone knows what really is going on unless i tell them, but i find it so hard sometimes to put it in words, how overwhelming the depression is, how overwhelming the sense of uselessness is, how overwhelming the irritability is and the sense of being alone.

i dontknow why its so hard, it just is and every day when i wake up in the morning i wish for a good day, and when it turns to custard i cant handle it, but i cant withdraw like i would so dearly love to, i have 2 kids to look after, but then im not really looking after them am i? the tv is always on, food comes from packets, some days they dont even get dressed, they just stay in their pjs all day. its not because i cant be bothered, its because i dont know how, i dont know where to start and i get so overwhelmed that it just seems like such a giant mountain and im too unfit to climb it

my husband has started saying to me "CHOOSE to be happy hun" and "only YOU control your mind" he just doesnt understand that ive completely lost control, i have no control over day to day things, i have no control over my mind, and i just dont know how to get that control back ive been reading a lot, about depression, about changing your thoughts and ive been trying, really i have, but i need outside help, i dont know what im doing, and it feels like im doing it all wrong because its not helping my house is a dump, i cry and cry over how horrible my house is, i just dont know where to start and every time i put a dent in the mess, the next day im back to square 1, its something people always comment on, but noone helps with

i so desperatly want to be like some of you gals, beautiful healthy home, healthy kids, healthy self, tidy house, housework routine, baking, cooking, cleaning, dishes i know what needs doing, i just find it so hard to do it

people tell me to take one step at a time, one day at a time, but what step do i take first? to what path? it just all seems so hard and i dont know what to do or where to start and i hate it, i hate this illness, i hate what its done to me, i hate what its done to my friends, my family, my life, i just so desperatly want it all to go away and it just wont.

Ramblings about Depression...

well, i wish they would give me my drugs back....

ive spent the last couple of weeks in a daze, thank god i have an amazing family who have been helping me out (especially Rochelle, give the woman a medal!) im extremelly low, im not coping and im highly irritable. its really not fun.

i had my drs appt today, with a new dr, my appts just seem like a big waste of time, i met a new dr today, but it turns out hes not MY new dr and i wont get to meet the new dr for another couple of weeks, i told them im not coping, that the depression is still strong and that Kaylee has been with Rochelle, Darryl or his parents over the last few days because im not coping, and they basically said 'oh well between you and your friends and family you will have to deal with it, we wont change your meds and will call you next week for followup' its just getting ridiculous now, i mean what are they there for?? because they obviously arent there to help me become well

then my key worker rang me to give me a new appt time with the new dr and i told her that i thought the appt was a waste of my time and what are they going to do to practically help me because again i stressed that i am NOT coping, and she basically told me to give it time, it will come right.... she asked what practical things i had done in the past to come right, and i told her that ive only ever been given drugs, or respite, and its all i know, i mean its been over a year now, i think its obvious that its NOT coming right! its just all SO frustrating.

A positive though is that i went to an appointment the other day at the holistic Medical centre in Pt Chev, they want to find out what is causing the problems, rather than be a sticky plaster for the problems (or the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff) they want to get underneith everything and find out exactly what the cause is and then fix the cause, not the symptoms, FINALLY i have someone listening to me! so i came home with all kinds of vitamins and minerals and i went and had bloods done today, so will go back in a couple of weeks for another appt to go over those, so thats something positive which is nice. i just want to be normal, bubbly, funny, outgoing ME again, and when i finally felt like me again they took my drugs off me telling me i shouldnt be feeling so elevated, but mannn elevated is NICE!

just cruisin :)

The drs decided i was doing a little toooo well, so they decided to cut my meds in half, bad idea! such a big drop and i started to really go downhill a bit so they upped them by half again, so im on 3/4 of what i was on before, seems to be going alright! for now!

i have an appointment next week at a Holistic Health Centre which im looking forward to, im going to get them to test me for intolerances, for mineral and vitamin deficiancies and have a chat with them about how they can help me manage the illness working alongside my usual drs with my usual meds.

i got another tattoo :) this one is only little, and its on the inside of my right arm, it symbolises my starsign and eventually i will get my childrens starsigns done around it.

i got my tongue peirced, again! ive had it done 3 times now, so i will endevour to keep this one in a little longer than the last ones!

Kaylee has started in swimming lessons, she absolutley loves them, in only 4 lessons she is going under the water, doggy paddling, floating on her back, jumping in off the side of the pool, its done absolutely amazing things for her confidence and im so rapt that shes doing so well and that she loves it as much as she does!

Olivia is 20mths now, where does that time go? shes so full of confidence and her comprehension is amazing, she understands so much more than we give her credit for and she is so funny to be around, she just cracks us up every day!

not much else to report really, ive just been a realllllly slack blogger lol i might get better at it one day!