So sad :(

yup im an avid shorty street watcher, and yup i just spent the last half an hour bawling my eyes out, poor Kaylee didnt know what to do! (Darryls not home yet, i was cuddling my baby) ut she was so sweet, touching my hair and giving me kisses. anyway, Norman died, he was so HOT and im real bummed hes not going to be a charactor anymore.

anyway enough about fiction! lol my weeks been good, im really proud of the way im eating and the way im just not hungry and my body has learnt how to not want for things, ALREADY! its really cool, and im really happy (cept when im crying over tv!)

there was a doco on tv last night, about obese people, again, seems to be tonnes of docos about fat people lately, this one was a little different, these young adults actually had a disease which made them eat, and they would eat continuously non stop if they were allowed to so their food had to be portioned and locked up, Prada Willi Syndrome it was called. my heart went out to them because this was a genuine case and a genuine disease why they were obese. they were all getting help of some kind and i was amazed at the wonderfully genuine people that they showed helping them all. was really nice to see

having trouble getting Kaylee into bed tonight, so im about to try for #4 time! wish me luck!!!

First weigh in!

i had my first weigh in today, wasnt expecting much as its TOM and it hasnt been a full week for me, only 6 days, but i lost 2.7kgs! ROCK ON!!!!!! so im very happy, and you know what, in 6 short days im eating less, doing more and not missing out. yes i will admit i had a few chips and a bite or two of bread but i figure its better me allowing myself what i like, going for a faster walk to burn it and carrying on like normal, than to totally not let myself have anything, feel deprived and then binge (which i have a tendancy to do) im happy with how things are going, im adapting things to suit me, and will carry on doing so until the scales say otherwise, but the way i see it as long as i keep eating small healthy meals, drinking 2L+ of water a day, im drinking a bit of peppermint tea as well, yummo! walking every day (well most days) and keeping happy, i cant lose! can i?

anyway i had better get ready, i have a Tupperware meeting tonight, i have been a bit slack at going to them so i should get to this one aye!

Long weekend!

Finally we have lovely weather again, isnt it stunning!

im finding the eating so much easier now, although i have been known to sneak a bite of Kaylees vegemite sandwhich! i still really miss bread and rice and pasta ALOT but i will get over it!

Darryl said to me that when i lose 10kgs (which will put me under 100! finally!) he will take me out to dinner at a yummy thai restaurant in Takapuna, so thats a treat i am looking foward to

im not so hungry in between meals any more and im finding myself getting stronger every day.

just realised i have only had 3 glasses of water today and its already 3pm! so that is something i have to work towards today.

when i first started this blog i was talking about the small steps i was taking to eat normally again. i have found this so much easier to stick to because of the small steps than anything else i have ever done, now im training my body, thanks to SS to think of food as fuel, and yummy food, like chocolate, chips, pasta etc as special treats which i can have occassionally.

breakfast yesterday was 2 eggs and half a tomato, and that actually kept me going until lunch, for lunch i had fruit and yoghurt, and for dinner i had some chicken and salad, breakfast today was eggs and tomato again (its yum!) lunch was shrimps and salad with strawberries for dessert and dinner will be chicken kebabs, steamed brocolli and salad. which reminds me i have run out of lettuce! so you can see the choices i am making are very healthy, im using a lot of stock (vegge, chicken, beef etc) in my cooking, its very tasty and healthy way of cooking.

my fave thing at the moment is frying some chicken (non stick pan) in some Thai seasoning (masterfoods) and adding brocolli and chicken stock, cook until brocolli is done and chicken stock evapourated, it makes a yum lunch or dinner!

I have been out every day this week for a walk (oh except for yesterday, but i did the food shopping in peak time, does that count?) and have just been out in the garden, lol im a cheat, ive pulled all the weeds and will get Darryl to spray the garden to stop anymore coming through!!

Day off again for Darryl tomorrow, so im looking foward to another lovely family day! i love it when hes home, Kaylee is easier to handle, i dont have to worry about the housework (which basically means we dont do any in the weekend, its OUR time) and we do just whatever, no routine, no plans, just relax

thanks everyone for all your comments and emails, its really cool to see that there are people reading about me, im honoured! lol

same time as below pic and different hat! loves her hats does my girl! 

Kaylee posing :) 22.10.05 

day 2, much easier!

ok, today has been a LOT easier than yesterday, for breakfast i had Yoghurt and strawberries, lunch was salmon, beans and cucumber and tomato 3 cruskits and some almonds and dinner was chicken, brocolli, cauli and beans and of course an apple!

i wasnt as hungry today as i was yesterday, i did have a bite of Kaylees vegemite sandwhich at around 3pm, im finding the carbs really hard to let go, but hey if i only had a bite its better than 4 slices isnt it?

i did fill a pot up of peppermint tea and drink a bit of that today too which i think helped a fair bit too, but i have drunken well over 3L of water and tea today and the toilet has been a constant room of mine today!

but all in all a good day today :) and yes i did go for a walk again this morning, looking at the weather at the moment though im hoping it clears up tomorrow so i can walk again, i dont have a rain cover for Kaylees pushchair though so its unfair to take her out in the weather. lets hope for fine weather again!!

Parent and Child show is next weekend, friday, saturday and sunday, i went last year and had a ball, got soooo much free stuff, so im looking foward to going again this year (Kate you still keen on coming with me??!! let me know!)

anyway early night for me! im going to bed!! :)

Day 1 on SureSlim

and im tired and grumpy and have one hell of a headache ALREADY!

not a nice start to my "new life" but i have committed and i will do it, its just a wee bit harder than i thought, doesnt help that im in a bad feeling sorry for myself mood, sorry, ill snap out of it!

i went for a walk again first thing with kaylee in the pram drinking her bottle

breakfast today was a lowfat unsweetend yoghurt with 100g of Strawberries and 150g of Kiwifruit (about 1 and a half) blended together with a table spoon of flax seed oil and 3 crispbread (i have to have 3 crispbread a day and i dont know what to do with them!) for brekkie i can either have eggs and veggies, cheese and veggies or yoghurt and fruit

that was ok, as i dont usually eat breakfast, i went out and met Kate at the shops had a herbal tea and a bit of a goss, then came home to work out lunch, now for lunch i can either have Chicken and veggies, egg or seafood and veggies or cheese and beans with veggies, i can eat as much lettuce, cucumber, celery, parsley and watercress as i like with a meal, so can use these to bulk meals up. so anyway for lunch i had baked salmon (a treat i got in the shopping, i hardly ever had it!) with steamed beans and lettuce, cucumber and avocado (a sub for the seed allowance i have to have each day) with a olive oil (have to have 1 Tablespoon per day) and balsamic vinegar dressing i had this at 1pm, by 3pm i was so hungry, starving infact, i think its because i usually have bread which keeps me a lot more full for a lot longer, so the stretch from 3pm-6pm was really hard, and i caved, im so pissed, i caved on my first day, at about 4pm i had to eat, i felt like i was going to fall over if i didnt eat, water just wasnt doing it, and i feel so god damn stink now because of it, hell if i cave on my FIRST DAY what is going to happen for the rest of the time?

so 6pm finally rolled around and i was able to have dinner 150 g of lean eye fillet with steamed cauli, broccolli and beans (155g worth total) so for dinner i ate 305g usually i would eat 3 times that much. then i had an apple (i have to have an apple a day)

i didnt realise how much i used to eat, this just doesnt seem enough, but maybe this is just normal and i have to get back to normality. but right now i feel horrid, my head hurts, im hungry, i want chocolate and i want carbs and i feel like crying

hopefully in a few days i will look back on this and laugh at how dum i was and its just day 1

time for bed i think

my commitment

Today the 18th day of October 2005 at 12.30pm i embarked on my new journey, my new life as my consultant calls it. i have signed a contract saying i will lose my weight by August next year and my consultant, Dawn has signed the contract saying that she will help me to lose the weight by August next year. i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, i have help now, i have one on one weekly consultations, i can ask any questions and already feel relaxed around Dawn. She welcomed me (and my $800!) and i have welcomed her help.

I have also started a new step, as of today every morning when i wake up, i will put Kaylee (in her jarmies still!) in the pushchair with a peice of toast and walk, for at least half an hour, hopefully more. this is before i have breakfast so my metabolism starts nice and early

i have a lot of reading to do, and a HUGE recipe book that they gave me to use, i will post the recipes as im using them, cos if i like it then you just might too!!

but i am just letting you know, its started!!! :)

very productive day!!

Yes, today was VERY productive! and tomorrow will be too, we got a letter on Friday saying we are having a house inspection on Monday, thats nothing new, we have an inspection every 3 months, but i forgot 3 months doesnt take long to come around! and usually the note comes over a week before the inspection, and our house is a TIP! i will let you know now that im not the tidyest person in the world, less so now that i have Kaylee, however there is a difference between messy and dirty, im NOT dirty!! (hehe well sometimes..... ok we wont go there!) so i have cleaned out the spare room, which usually i just close the door.... lol its my Tupperware/Avon/junk room! so it was rather full! but its just had a good clean out, which is just great! the Kitchen had a declutter and clean and the Computer desk, which usually gets avoided cos i hate trying to find somewhere for the paperwork to go (we so need a filing cabinet!) got a good clean as did the computer!

i will do everything else tomorrow as Darryl is taking Kaylee to Pukekohe for the club racing (to watch) so i will have some time on my own! i did have that time dedicated to a bath and a self facial and pamper... but now i have Gardeneing to do! oh well! its so nice of Darryl to take her, he loves his Daddy time, he doesnt hesitate at all with taking Kaylee anywhere with him, he loves it! just a fantastic father he is! and i dont have to do anything when he takes her, he packs the nappy bag, makes her lunch, gets her water ready, knows exactly what to do, its real cool!

this morning was hard case, we went up to Darryls parents place (they are in Silverdale, about a 30min drive) and i took Kaylees ride on toy and she had a great time being able to go wherever she wanted (they are out country, way off the rd) she did go backwards and fell into the mud at one stage, that was quite funny, but its the first time in ages she could go outside due to the weather and she loved it!

my eating.... i dont think its been too bad the last couple of days, you know what i had yesterday with Kate and i had Subway for dinner last night, today i had the same thing for lunch as yesterday (leftovers!) and a chicken rice meal for dinner and now im just snacking on raw almonds (which btw i love!) i have drunken quite a bit today too, which is really cool, a lovely day like today just makes me want summer to come all the more faster!!!

nice day!

its been a lovely day today, the weather has FINALLY started to clear up, although Kate and I didnt go out for a walk, was still rather yukky when she arrived!

Kate and Amelia came over for lunch, we had a lovely lunch, i was very healthy and quite proud of myself! had a ham and cheese bun, and i did a platter up of pretzels, rice chips, almonds, cashews, cheese sticks, croutons, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds and yoghurt covered raisins, and another platter of oranges, strawberries and marshmellows with chocolate sauce (ok, kind of healthy!)

was nice to have some company, i have been hiding from the world a little bit and the weather isnt helping with getting out!

anyway i hope you like the pics of the girls taken today!!! :) was VERY hard to get them to smile, although i managed to get a lovely one of Amelia, would you believe she was grizzling until i said "smile Amelia" and she stopped, smiled for the pic, and started grizzling again! so off home for a sleep did Kate and Amelia go!!

fingers crossed for a fine weekend aye!

Very hard to get a smile out them today though! 

what YOU looking at! 

Pretty Amelia, posing for the Camera! 

Amelia getting "stuck" on the bike 

Kaylee and Amelia having lunch 

better day :)

yep its been a better day, yesterday was just crap, drove me nuts, after a good nights sleep i woke up feeling a lot happier, thanks heaps for your comments and emails guys, really helped :) i guess everyone has those days aye! anyway onwards and upwards!

went to the warehouse today, got Kaylee some playdough and some crayons, crayons she worked out ok, still got sucked on a lot, but she couldnt work out the playdough, it was quite funny actually, all she wanted to do was eat it, but she couldnt work out why something so pretty looking tasted so yuk! you should have seen the faces she pulled!

im trying to think of more creative things to do with her, hence the playdough and crayons, all we seem to be doing lately is read and play with toys, the weather hasnt helped as we couldnt get outside, and all she wants to do is take off! but im gradually becoming more creative myself in finding age appropriate things for her to do, there is only so much around for a 15mth old!

im still waiting on sure slim to call, im looking foward to starting something structured, i have been letting myself go way too much lately, its been hard to cope with, but hard to stop too. i will get there, i promise!

yucky yucky yucky!

that is basically how i feel today, im not sick, i just feel crap, all i have done today is feel sorry for myself and eat, and eat, and eat, i havent done any housework, i havent done any exercise, i have done nothing. i actually feel ill thinking about it, thinking about all the food i have eaten. just sux

Kaylee has picked up on my mood and has been in a mood all day, maybe thats what has kicked off my mood, maybe its not, there is a few things at the moment not going the way i want them, i sound like a spoilt brat but i like it when everything runs smoothly aka the way I want them to go. so between Kaylees bad mood and my bad mood its been a pleasant household today.... not...

so really there is no positivity today from me.... im sorry.... i just cant feel happy, maybe after a good nights sleep i will be happier tomorrow, im just a bit all over the place i think, sorry this really isnt making sense, but its good to get it all out, just a down day really, havent had a down day for a while.... maybe today i will get it all out of my system for a while

i have a Tupperware party tonight, im so glad the lady wants a quick easy no fuss one, no cooking, no games, nothing, it will make my life so much easier because i really dont want to go out, i just want to go to bed

i will be happier tomorrow, i promise, and i hope your day was a lot better than mine

close up of bodice 

my wedding dress :) 

Weddings!! :)

I'm so in wedding mode at the moment, yesterdays wedding was just beautiful, it was the wedding of Jason (Darryls cousin) and his beautiful (now wife!) Melanie.

unfortunately the weather decided to have its worst day ever, which really didn't help! So when we got to the venue (Gracehill, in Kumeu) the power was out, and there was no water. So it was a bit touch and go for a while, but Gracehill managed themselves just superbly, they got a pump in for the loos, and someone backed a car right up to the door and turned up the music for the bridal music, the ceremony had to be held inside, and was just lovely, you could so tell how in love they are. As there was no power, there were no lights, but there were plenty of windows for natural light to come through, so that was no biggy. They must use Gas for their cooking as hot canapes were coming out, we had a peek in the kitchen and they were cooking by candlelight! How's that for dedication! Then we had been seated and ordered our food, and the speeches were going just lovely, then it was Mels turn for her speech, and I swear it was timed, as soon as she stood up, the lights came on and the power came back! Was a real cool moment!

the food was amazing, I had a shrimp and avocado and mescaline dish for my entree, scrummo! And then steamed Salmon with a rice cake and steamed beans for my main, and pav for desert

it was great to catch up with Darryls family (the ones who don't live in Auckland) and we had a lovely night

we were lucky as our friends Shaun and Belinda looked after Kaylee for us, they took fantastic care of her and Kaylee was right at home. So it made our evening even more enjoyable knowing our girl was safe and happy and very well looked after!

last night at the wedding I started thinking a bit more about my own wedding, its only 4 mths away, so I have sat down today and done the guest list, and the seating plan, its very hard trying to keep certain people away from certain people!! But never mind, you get that with your whanau don't you! I'm hoping my wedding goes smoothly and we have no problems/domestics! I think I only have to organise the invites and the rings now... But I'm sure I've missed something!!!

here's my dress (shhh don't tell Darryl you have seen it!!)

Research :)

yup im doing some research, on myself! im doing a lot of reading and finding many things that are in fact relevant to me, lots about emotional eating, about feeling stink when you do eat, take this months Slimming mag for example, i have brought this mag for a couple of years on and off, and have read it, but havent really READ it if you know what i mean, nothing i read has sunk it and i have managed to read the mag in a few minutes, this time its taken me a week to read, and i will be reading it again.

it has a great article in it about depriving yourself of food, and how if you dont allow yourself any treats your diet will get boring and you will binge because you couldnt have any. basically its exactly what i do, i tell myself i cannot have it, no way no how, and get so worked up about it that i end up eating say a whole block of chocolate, when if i hadnt of deprived myself in the first place i would of only had 2 squares. then i get myself so down about it, ive ruined my whole diet, so i give up. instead of thinking like a normal person, shrugging it off and getting on with it.

There is also a great article about changing your beliefs, how to stop sabotaging your diet and get back on track, its tells you to sit down with a pen and paper and consider how you feel about your diet, start with the words "a limiting thought i have about this diet is..." and write down everything that comes into your head, be honest with yourself, it could be about not having enough time to exercise or not thinking any diet will work, write down everything that you think limits your diet, then from looking at those things on your list, you should be able to work out what your main prob is, and there are other steps too, working your way of thinking around to a better way of thinking for you and your diet, whatever it may be, its really neat and i will definatly be doing it for me

the other article in this mag (there were 3 that stood out to me) that really struck a cord is, how to love yourself after a pig out, how to stop the cycle of bingeing, feeling guilty, then binging again, gives you 3 steps, 1, dont beat yourself up about it, your more likely to eat more if you critisize yourself, 2, own what you have done, yeah you have binged, but get over it and move on!, 3, keep an eye on you, deniel is never the answer.

so yes three very interesting articles in this one magazine, all very relevant to me and the way i think, and i think very helpful for me to get out of that frame of mind

im not going to push myself all at once, i am still taking one step at a time, and i am happy doing that for now, i feel if i take it one step at a time and make those steps my normal way of doing things (drinking more, eating healthier, vitamins, cutting down on crap, watching portians) then it becomes my normality, my routine of doing things, just like reaching for chocolate used to be :)

shopping! yes AGAIN!!!

we have a wedding to go to on Saturday, im really looking foward to it, it will be a lovely family (Darryls side) affair, and i cant wait to get all dressed up, but what a MISSION it has been to find some lovely clothing! lol so i went shopping with Darryls sister Rochelle and her daughter Maia (age 16mths)

Kaylee was a little B**CH the whole way around the shops, omg it drove me nuts. it was so embarrassing, everyone stops and stares and tututs.... she eventually fell asleep though, so i got most things done!

as i am tall its a mission to find pants that are long enough, BUT i am so happy i found 2 pairs today, + 1 other shop that has them a bit longer too, so i got a pair from the warehouse for $20 they look OK, but i found a nicer pair from Shantons, for $20! score! i also brought myself some new shoes, they are very pretty, lol they have a small heel on them so dont make me too much taller than i already am, and they came in my size! lol another mission is finding shoes that fit! but i found a new shop that has shoes that go up to my size! YEAH! ROCK ON!! lol then i went on a Jewellery mission, had to have nice jewellery with nice clothing! and i found everything i liked at Farmers of all places, and so when i get the top i won off trademe i have a nice outfit for the wedding! im hoping the top is what im expecting otherwise im screwed!!

I havent drunk as much water as i have wanted today, mostly because i have been out i think, i get carried away and forget to drink, i did have a bottle of Diet coke and a few glasses of water once i got home and with dinner (pork stirfry) so even though i havent drunken much, at least i have had some! i had Sushi for lunch, which was one of the more healthier choices in the food court, the other being Subway, so i think i did ok, i did forget to have brekkie today, i didnt realise until lunch!

lovely day :)

its a beautiful day today, nice and sunny, perfect washing weather, lol not that i put any washing out though.... slack aye!

Kaylee has been really good today, shes just pottering around, stuffing her face full of rice wheels!

so i really dont have much to say, i have just been pottering today too, feels good not to have to go anywhere and do anything!

had a yummo lunch, a Mesculin, sprout, hummus, lite mayo, cheese, beetroot, tomato and cucumber sandwhich, lol was a huge sandwhich! have only had 1L of water today, need to drink more, but feel a little bloated for some reason, oh and i had breakfast today too for the first time in yonks! ricebubbles, and banana and milk, ok not very nutricious, but its a good start, least i ate! lol

so im doing small steps, but im feeling good :)

and Kates back! yay!! :)

Been a few days.....

since i last posted! sorry! its been pretty busy around here!

Saturday i signed up to sureslim, Darryl (hes so nice!) has paid for the lot upfront, and i have just been now for my bloodtest, so in 5-10 days time the new lifestyle starts! i have already started to do 3 meals a day and 2l water a day, but havent cut out too many carbs yet, i have cut down on them, and eliminated potato all together, but will do more in the next 5-10 days before i get my diet plan from the consultant. i am looking foward to starting it, im looking foward to my weekly weigh ins and one on one with the consultant, noone else will see my weight!

Saturday night i went to Darryls cousins fiances hens night, was a lot of fun, she had a topless waiter, pretty cute :p not quite my thing but she enjoyed it!

Sunday Darryl and I decided to do something with our day, rather than housework! lol, and we went to the muesem, i love it there, its so peaceful (but noisy at the same time, lol all the kids!) and just a lovely place to go when it is hoofing down the rain outside!! we did a bit of food shopping and then carried on our way home again.

Today has been a busy one, i had to start off by getting my bloods done, the lab was so busy, but i was only waiting 15-20 min before i was seen, then it was jab and gone! ran a few errands, did a bit of retail therapy for Kaylee and i, and got some sushi and come home, Kaylee isnt too happy today, i think her teeth are bugging her, but she is fast asleep and i am loving the peace!! she is a bit clingi at the moment which hasnt been fun, but its kinda cool in a way, im her mummy and she only wants me!

i had a few other things to do today, but i have put them off until Kaylee is a bit better, i dont like taking her out too often in this windy wet weather, even though i bundle her up warm, its not fair on her.

im amazed at how easy i am finding drinking 2l of water a day, sometimes i end up drinking more! i have a glass that measures 500ml, its a really good size, so if i have one before breakfast, one before lunch, one before dinner and one before bed, it works out really well, and i eat less too! but i am finding i am drinking closer to the 2.5l-3l, so im pleased with that!