another update

First of all, what you will read below may shock you, but you know me by now, i tell it as it is, i dont mince my words, and i believe in by me being honest, you all will learn and appreciate more how Mental Illness affects people.

SO where have i been since i last updated

A fukken mess quite honestly.

what scares me most is the fact i thought i had hit rock bottom. but no, i was far from it.

i have been getting less and less sleep, most nights surviving on 2-3 hours, so i started on some sleepy pills, unfortunatly, they werent the best type for me. i had a bit of a reaction to them (in my head) so instead of having a calming affect, they had the complete opposite effect. i went crazy. i started to beat myself up, punching myself in the head, banging my head on the floor, bedhead, wall, Darryls knees and elbows (while he was trying to restrain me) quite honestly i completely and utterly lost the plot. it wasnt me, but it was me. and that petrifys me.

I was aware of what i was doing, i remember parts (not all) of it, Darryl got his sister to come over to help and she called an ambulance. i remember the Ambulance officer dude sitting on the floor beside me (i was lying on the ground, Darryl was ontop of me holding me down) asking if i wanted to go with them, i was like WTF of course i dont! then i bashed my head on the floor, the ambo guy got a bit strict with me then, i was either going with them, or i was getting a police escort because they would call them out. i couldnt understand why because i hadnt done anything illegal, but i co-operated with them. i didnt want the police over! bad enough having an ambulance parked in my driveway!!!

So off to the hospital i went, i cant remember much at all of it, just remember coming home again, darryls mum picked us up (Darryls sister and mum were at the hospital for a bit) and Olivia was in the back seat, and i was so relieved to see her.

Kaylee has been at mums for the last week, which has been great, she came home yesterday, so i need to learn how to be a mum to a toddler again, hard work.

anyway, im on so much medication its not funny, im on Anti-depressents, anti-psycotics (to calm me before bed) and sleeping pills, and im STILL not getting any sleep, last night was amazing at 7 hours, its the first time in a long time i have had that much, the night before was 2 hours and the night before that was 3 hours.

im in close contact with a Mental health team, they ring me or visit me daily, keep a very close eye on my medication, and ive also had respite nurses here on a 24 hour basis, they have also been amazing, my angels i call them, they do an awesome job. we are down to a respite nurse coming every night (to deal with Olivia) its been an amazing help.

its been hard, damn hard, i have had thoughts i never knew i could have, i have been through so many emotions its not funny, and i have put my family and friends through more than they should EVER have to go through. i hate it.

but i just have to keep on going aye.

xxx