an update
Firstly, much love and big thank yous for my texts, emails, comments, they all mean a lot, and definitely are helping me get through this mess.
Recently i went severely downhill, i have never in my life felt so low and so bad and so scared, if i thought i was bad before, wow, i didnt have a clue what was to come.
My Dr changed my medication, and ive had the dosage increased twice now, (increased for the 2nd time yesterday) as there has been very minimal improvement at all. the hardest part for me has been losing complete control, ive hated every minute of it. (and yes, as much as i tell myself and others tell me not too, im still hiding it a lot)
So my Dr referred me to Maternal Mental Health, and i had an appt today with a Mental Health Dr and another lady (i think a social worker, not too sure) both very nice, I was referred to them first for assessment, then they decide what to do from here, they say I have severe depression, and a lot of it has stemmed from my childhood, not just postnatal, and so they have upped my medication again, I also have severe panic attacks and they offered me lithium or Valium (I think - cant remember) and sleeping pills, but I refused because im scared of what they will do to Olivia (still BFing) and they said I have anxiety and phobia issues (they had big names for everything) and they are going to work out what is the best therapy for me to have and go from there.
Scary stuff… I was petrified of going to the appt (Darryl did come with me), but im glad i did, im still very scared, petrified infact, especially of the unknown, i dont know yet what is to come, but i do know that it will be positive, and it will help me get better.
Ive had amazing support from my husband, my mother, my SIL & BIL, and several of my very close friends (you know who you are and i love you dearly), all of whom i love from the bottom of my heart and appreciate everything they have done for me, im truelly blessed.
Unfortunatly ive had a few people who i thought were close friends, freeze me out completely, no texts, no emails, no ph calls, no visits, and that has been hard, i want to scream, IM STILL ME! but im sure they will come around in their own time, its hard for many people to deal with, and many people have no idea how to deal with it, so ignore the situation completely.
I had a phone call today from someone at Waitakere Hospital, checking up on me, making sure i was ok, apparently they have made me an emergancy appt tomorrow where a dr either comes to me at my house, or i go to them, not too sure when yet, but they will let me know. So there are several departments and my own Dr, all working together, im very lucky to have this, but it is incredibly daunting and scary for me, apart from my dr, i dont know these people, and i have to open up to them, and that is very hard for me to do even to my close friends, let alone a stranger.
Its a dark dark scary place to be, and it terrifies me every damn day. But the light is now starting to appear. i just have to allow it to reach me. xxx
10 comments:
Hi Carla,
Thanks for sharing what you are going through, it must be even harder trying to explain yourself to other people.
I am thinking of you and hope this new dose of meds is going to kick in and help with your depression.
Thinking of you and your family.
Just letting you know that I am thinking of you and hope that you get the help and meds etc that you need to get you through. Thanks for sharing you very personal life with us all. We are all here for you. Feel better soon. Lisa
I am sorry to hear you are still so unwell. It must have been an extremely difficult decision to get help & I am glad your family & close friends are treating this as a serious problem and giving you the support you need. You are a strong person inside & I am sure y ou will get through this with the help of the doctors, councillors, your family & yourself.
*hugs* hun! Thank you SO much for sharing your such personal feelings with us! And I am so glad that you have family and friends that you can turn to and who are helping you. You are a very strong woman and I just know you can beat this with the help of your family, friends, Dr and counsellors!
*hugs*
You're going to get through this, cos your beautiful girls need their mama for as long as possible!
But you know this :-)
I'm very proud of you. I know going to the hosp appointment was really scary, but you did so well!
I'm proud too, it must be so hard going through this and feeling so helpless when your girls are still so dependant on you!! I'm so pleased you have so many people looking out for you, even if it does scare the crap out of you.
Big loves xxxx
Focus on the light Carla - in time it will seem closer! It's at times like this we realise the value of those closest to us. I hope that things do get better for you really soon.
I do so hope that with the help and support you are getting from all those around you and the medication, you can finally start to recover from this awful depression. **** BIG HUGS***
Hang in there Carla. Be strong and try and find the happiness within you. Thank you for sharing, too many people are suffering from depression, my thoughts are with you.
Such difficult times for you. You are seeking the help you need and I really do hope the medication will help you. You have a lot of support also from your family.
Such a hard thing (but very honest)also to come here and share exactly how you are feeling. People don't always understand anxiety and depression. Take care - you will get through this.
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