Downward Spiral
Its how im feeling right now, like im slowly going into a hole and not being able to climb out very fast at all.
Olivia is not sleeping during the night, (shes fine in the day time!) but of course if she doesnt sleep at night, it means i dont sleep at night, ive worked out that i have had abot 9-10 hours sleep in the past 4 nights, all up. its very hard. she hasnt been the best sleeper ever since birth, its a good night when she wakes twice in the night, so really i have been living on very little sleep since i was a couple of months pregnant, so for about a year now. i get the very occasional sleep through the night, but its a rare occasion and it really isnt enough to catch up. it doesnt help that she is teething, VERY badly teething, she screams and cries constantly, she is in agony and there really isnt much at all i can do for her (pamol, bonjela, teething powder, cold things) and it sux, it sux to see your baby in so much pain, it makes it very hard going out at the moment, it makes things difficult to have a face to face conversation with another adult.
Lack of sleep to me is the worst of the worst, i NEED my sleep, i need sleep to function normally to be the best mama i can be, and right now im not the best mama, infact i suck. im using the TV as my babysitter with Kaylee, i sit on my arse all day because im too tired to do anything, im SO behind on the housework, and because of the weather we just have piles and piles of washing to catch up on. its all just getting on top of me and i dont know for how much longer i can keep up this little charade.
Now i really dont give a flying fuck if you life is harder than mine right now so i should be counting my lucky stars blah blah blah, i honestly dont want to hear it, and i honestly dont give a shit.
Im sick to death of putting everyone else, friends, family, people i hardly know, before myself, every year i make a promise to myself that i will start looking after MYSELF better, i will put ME first. but it doesnt happen, i come last, and i probably always will come last, its just the way life is, as a mother, my family comes first, as a friend, i put them first. but of course if i make the decision to put myself first, why the hell do i feel guilty about it?
Human instinct? who knows...
Darryl is working SO much at the moment, he needs to do it in order to keep up, he has to keep up in order to keep the contracts, he left a couple of hours later today so that i could have a sleep before he left, just so i could have SOMETHING, but because he did that, it means that he either works later tonight or he does some work tomorrow. he is trying so hard, but i wish he was home with me some more i really do. the sooner someone else is hired the better i think.
so tonight im going to the supermarket to get Olivia some formula. not an easy decision for me, even though Kaylee was basically a formula baby from the start, i have been so proud of myself for breastfeeding Olivia, it was great that i could (can) do it. but i cannot express any off, and i need to sleep. so Darryl is on night watch tonight, he will have the formula to feed her with, (i will probably wake up with rocks for boobs! haha) i just hope she will take it, otherwise it just means that i still wont get any sleep, baby needs to be fed, what can you do?
so yes, im tired, grumpy, hormonal, down, and just plain yukky.
i hope to snap out of it real soon.
Ka Kite
11 comments:
Oh hun just wanting to send you *super duper huge hugs*!!! I am so sorry to hear that things are so rough for you at the moment. And IMHO I think you are doing the right thing with the formula at night time as I have a friend that was in a similar position to you re sleep etc and she did this and her hubby now does the night feed and my friend is now finally starting to feel human again! I can imagine it wasn't an easy decision for you to make since you are doing so well with Breastfeeding but do not beat yourself up about it as you DO need sleep hun no matter what!
I am always here if you need to chat or vent or moan or just talk...
Take care and lots of hugs xx
Carla!! You should be on the phone to me, I will come over any time and give you a hand, and you don't need to be embarrassed because it's ME! Hehe.
Seriously, which day is good for me to come over this week? I can do housework, I could look after the girls, I could cook you a meal.. whatever you like - I'm here.
And don't worry too much about the tv for a babysitter - I have days where that is all we do, and I feel bad, but I figure it's better than other things! Just do what you need to do to get through the day.
Hopefully Olivia's teeth pop through really soon and she can have a break, And you!
xxx
Seriously, I will come over and do whatever, I'd like to help.
Well mate, all I can say is thank god I ain't in your shoes, from memory it is horrible to go through sleep deprivation, but it does pass. Once baby stops teething things should settle down a bit... and maybe giving her some formula so you can have a break will help, good on you for being prepared to try it.I feel for you, I really do .... you should seriously think about taking Kate up on her offer, I'm sure she is 100% sincere in her wish to help you, as I would be if I lived near.
Aww Carla! That doesn't sound like you at all - you must be struggling. I hope that things sort themselves out chick.
Thinking of ya, and I'll be checking in here regularly to see how you're holding up. :-)
Hugs to you chick, please let me know what I can do to help - I could even come over and grab a couple of baskets of washing or something (seriously!!) if that will help.
Hope things improve for you all soon, it does sound like you have a lot on your plate and your poor girl teething is probably the last straw. Let me know what, when, where and how you want me!!!
Crap sweetie...
Take as many offers as help as you can, ok? Why not?
You're in my thoughts :)
I can so relate to what you are going through. I had to make the decision to put my son on to formula and I agonised over it. Especially as he was my last baby and I really wanted to breastfeed longer but it just wasn't working. I had no option but to go back to work part time when he was 6 months old and he was still waking 2-3 times a night. I HAD to sleep.
I know a lot of people don't like thinking about formula feeding but it made such a difference to us so I commend you on your decision. Sleep deprivation with a very young family is not a good situation.
Take up Kate and Emily's offers of help. Take all the help you can.
I really hope things improve and that Olivia's teeth pop through very quickly.
Thinking of you.
Definitely sounds like you need some time for yourself! It's hard though isn't it? (making yourself a priority) it took me a while to learn that lesson but I think it's important you take time out for yourself, even if it's only 30 minutes a couple of times a week.
I so hope that Olivia took the formula and you were able to catch up on some sleep! Also hope it helped to vent a little.
I hope things are much brighter today..I would offer help as well if I were closer:)
Take Kate & Emily up on their offers. You are at the end of your tether & you need to ask for help - as much as you hate to. You know that if it was one of your friends in the same boat you would be there helping them. Can your budget stretch to getting some one in to clean the house for a couple of hours a week, just until you can cope with it yourself??
There is nothing wrong with putting Olivia on formula, if it means you can get some sleep & be a saner Mum then it is to her benefit.
Good luck.
I hope you went and got that formula and are now having a bit more sleep!
You being a refreshed happy mum to those girls is more important than keeping up with the breastfeeding and being tired and cranky.
Teething is just the pits ay?
I hope you took up Kate and Em's offer, that's what friends are for.
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