1/4 life crisis

you know how some people have a mid life crisis? im having it early, lol

im on a mission to find myself again, find the beautiful, attractive person that i know is there, find hobbys that are just about ME, do what I want to do, because if i dont, when i get old, will i have regrets? i dont want regrets in my life, i want to LIVE.

i always told myself that once i had kids they would work around me, they would be my priority sure, but i would not lose myself.

well i have lost myself

and i need to find ME again

so here is what i am going to do

im getting a Tattoo, not yet, but soon, i have always wanted one, but peoples opinions have put me off, fuck em, its my body, its my skin, its what i want, its going to happen.

im taking guitar lessons, starting next Monday night. i used to play the guitar when i was a kid, i got really good, but now, sadly, i let it all go. im a very musical person, i love nothing more than relaxing to a good cd, or dancing, or singing (not very well but who cares) i used to play the keyboard too, so once im sussed with the guitar i will start back on keyboards again.

im looking into doing a night school class, maybe try and get into web design, or something similar.

im doing some work for the business and eventually will pick up more, maybe even have an office job in the future. we dont really know there yet.

im finding myself again, and im going to enjoy myself again.

everything.

Olivias sleeping during the night is getting so much better, thank goodness, now i just have to work on getting to sleep, i tend to toss and turn a lot!! Olivia is waking usually twice (over the past few nights) so thats not too bad, i can deal with that.

Kaylee is being a 2 year old... and its driving me nuts, thank god for kindy because i just dont have the energy to deal with her

PND/Depression has reared its ugly head a couple of times, but im trying so hard to beat it, i am in control, at the moment anyway, and working on ways to keep this at bay. i suffered from this with kaylee, so i know what to look for now.

I had Olivias 5mth check at plunket yesterday (yep 5mths already!) however she hasnt gained any weigh since her 3 mth check, she is still 6.1kg. she is on the 25% line for height, and just under it for weight, so the nurse wasnt toooo worried because she is all in proportian. however i have to do a self weigh in a couple of months, just to be sure.

i have a lot going on im my life right now (things that i just will not blog about), so i dont get the time to sit on the computer too much, i do try to read everyone, and follow everyones journesy, beit weightloss, your life, your children, pregnancies. i am thinking of you all lots

back to reality.

Good Friends

Its really nice to have good friends, there was a time in my life that i didnt have any friends at all, i was lonely and did some stupid things just to try and make friends, needless to say those friends i no longer know, or care about. i do wonder about them, i wonder if they did end up in jail, or if they are dead, or if they finally sorted their shit out, somehow, i doubt it.....

Last night i went out to a dear friends place and met up with another dear friend there too, both of which like me for who i am, not for material things, not for a pretend-acting-up me, just for me, its comfortable, its nice, its great to have a goss/bitch/laugh/cry with my friends and know that they think like me, they appreciate me, just like i love and appreciate them. it was fantastic to get out of the house for a few hours, it was a really pleasant night, not doing anything, not getting dressed up, just blobbing and gossing, i love it! Thank you :)

i woke up this morning feeling like a truck had hit me, i feel like ARSE! so i jumped in the shower, and tried to relax, i get out of the shower to find Kaylee spread talc powder from asshole to breakfast and she looks at me, grins and says "thats a bit naughty aye mummy" hmmm, ya think? Then Olivia poo'd all over me, and the phone just wouldnt stop ringing (i have half a voice right now!) i just lost the plot a little bit, i didnt know where to start, i couldnt calm down to be able to work out what to do next, i texted my friend and told her that i just couldnt come out today, (we had plans) i didnt know how, and so she came and got Kaylee and they are at the zoo at the moment having a great time, i managed to hang out a heap of washing today, and vacuum and tidy most of the house (i closed the doors on the rest of it! lazy aye!) so mentally i feel a bit better now that i have "done something" physically i still feel like arse, and of course all i can take is panadol... god give me coldral nowwww! lol

id kill to have a maid right now, lol anyone need a job?

:) thanks

thought i would do a quick update :)

nothing much has changed on the sleeping front, im very lucky if i get 3 (straight) hours, last night was 2 hours of very broken sleep, the rest was just sitting up awake, its not nice, but im working through it and taking on heaps of your lovely ideas, as well as other ideas from friends and family.

im definitely not giving up breastfeeding, just thought i would clarify :) i have wayyyy too much milk for that! lol im just trying to get Olivia used to the formula so that Darryl can feed her at night, and i can sleep in the spare room for a bit, but shes not taking the formula at all, lol would much prefer the boobie juice! but we are working on it :)

so yes still very tired, still loosing the plot a bit, still trying very hard, the teethies are JUST under the surface, so once they cut through i am hoping she gets better fast, otherwise its straight to the dr to see what else may be going on!

thanks again :) its really lovely to have friends like you

xxx

Downward Spiral

Its how im feeling right now, like im slowly going into a hole and not being able to climb out very fast at all.

Olivia is not sleeping during the night, (shes fine in the day time!) but of course if she doesnt sleep at night, it means i dont sleep at night, ive worked out that i have had abot 9-10 hours sleep in the past 4 nights, all up. its very hard. she hasnt been the best sleeper ever since birth, its a good night when she wakes twice in the night, so really i have been living on very little sleep since i was a couple of months pregnant, so for about a year now. i get the very occasional sleep through the night, but its a rare occasion and it really isnt enough to catch up. it doesnt help that she is teething, VERY badly teething, she screams and cries constantly, she is in agony and there really isnt much at all i can do for her (pamol, bonjela, teething powder, cold things) and it sux, it sux to see your baby in so much pain, it makes it very hard going out at the moment, it makes things difficult to have a face to face conversation with another adult.

Lack of sleep to me is the worst of the worst, i NEED my sleep, i need sleep to function normally to be the best mama i can be, and right now im not the best mama, infact i suck. im using the TV as my babysitter with Kaylee, i sit on my arse all day because im too tired to do anything, im SO behind on the housework, and because of the weather we just have piles and piles of washing to catch up on. its all just getting on top of me and i dont know for how much longer i can keep up this little charade.

Now i really dont give a flying fuck if you life is harder than mine right now so i should be counting my lucky stars blah blah blah, i honestly dont want to hear it, and i honestly dont give a shit.

Im sick to death of putting everyone else, friends, family, people i hardly know, before myself, every year i make a promise to myself that i will start looking after MYSELF better, i will put ME first. but it doesnt happen, i come last, and i probably always will come last, its just the way life is, as a mother, my family comes first, as a friend, i put them first. but of course if i make the decision to put myself first, why the hell do i feel guilty about it?

Human instinct? who knows...

Darryl is working SO much at the moment, he needs to do it in order to keep up, he has to keep up in order to keep the contracts, he left a couple of hours later today so that i could have a sleep before he left, just so i could have SOMETHING, but because he did that, it means that he either works later tonight or he does some work tomorrow. he is trying so hard, but i wish he was home with me some more i really do. the sooner someone else is hired the better i think.

so tonight im going to the supermarket to get Olivia some formula. not an easy decision for me, even though Kaylee was basically a formula baby from the start, i have been so proud of myself for breastfeeding Olivia, it was great that i could (can) do it. but i cannot express any off, and i need to sleep. so Darryl is on night watch tonight, he will have the formula to feed her with, (i will probably wake up with rocks for boobs! haha) i just hope she will take it, otherwise it just means that i still wont get any sleep, baby needs to be fed, what can you do?

so yes, im tired, grumpy, hormonal, down, and just plain yukky.

i hope to snap out of it real soon.

Ka Kite

my 101 list

I have been a little busy lately, not only sorting my life out (and in the process crossing off wee things off my 101 list!) but trying to be a better person too, i think im a pretty good person, always (like anyone i guess, we are only human) have room for improvement! im working especially on how i parent my children, i have a wee way to go but im proud of what i have accomplished so far.

Kate, you have to tell me (yes... again... lol) how to cross off my list! i think it goes
OK, the 101 List, what have i done lately?

#11 - in a roundabout way this is done, we have gone into partnership with a couple of other people and our business is no longer our business, im not going to go into a lot of detail but its a fantastic way to grow the business and a great opportunity for us as a family.

#12 - we are working on this, seriously looking to purchase a house, i must say though, some RE agents just SUCK! and im not the type of person to be talked to like im a peice of shit (some - not all agents, just thought i would clarify!) and i have clashed with quite a few agents, some dont return ph calls, emails, msgs, some are very rude and arrogant... add to that the fact that we are looking for our first home in Auckland where the prices are just stupid, and the only areas that we can afford are basically scumsville... we drove through one area 5pmish last night, tagging everywhere, people OPENLY doing drugs on the street, dogs everywhere... it just breaks your heart really that THIS is the area that you can afford to buy, the total lack of respect for other people, themselves, other peoples property and their own property, i just dont get it. we went through at that time yesterday evening because its about the time we like to go for a walk, and we thought that we would see what was around... lets just say we will not be going anywhere near there again. we will be thinking outside the square a little bit and doing some investigating, but hey, at least we are working on it!

#24 - Done, my birthday bbq was very cool and both Kate and Emily agreed that this was #24 done, new and old friends coming together and meeting :) was lovely

#25 - meet new friends, through various sources i have met plenty of new friends recently, its been really neat, and i feel very blessed to have them in my life. as a result, i usually have something on every day, lol so keeping very busy too!

#26 - i will always make time for all of my friends new and old, i love nothing more than having a goss with a good friend, we know each other well, we know each others lives, its comfortable, there is nothing new, and i like that. i love how when i go shopping with Kate, we have our "usual carparks" our "usual place" to meet, our "usual cafe" to go to for coffee, its comfy and its nice, and its always so neat to have a good goss/bitch!

#39 - pass my full licence, well this morning i did just that, i passed, i was so "lucky" in that not only did i have the testing dude, but i had the moderating dude who was moderating the testing dude and myself.... ohhh the joy... the test was OKKK i wouldnt want to repeat it again anytime soon though! but right at the end i had to parallel park.... i didnt even do that for my restricted 10 years ago! (yeah, its been that long! slack aye!) lol but i did ok!

#56 - our visa cards are both now paid off in full, one is sitting in credit, one is a fuel card for the company. done!

#60 - ok i have cheated here a bit... i worked out where the automatic mode was! easy and done! :)

so as you can see i have been busy, ive had sooo many more things go on as well, but im sure this is enough for now :)

Olivia's first time in the Jolly Jumper

i have to share these pics, they are gorgeous!!!!