Hi, my name is Carla, and I suffer from Depression...
Ive been trying to work out a way, over the past few days, to word this post, I have written and rewritten it in my head, and still it just doesnt sound right, and it probably wont, because realistically im the only one that knows what on earth im on about!!
You may notice (when i do post... haha) how my posts are so up and down all the time, i do try not to be too blah, but sometimes when i read back to what i have written, well its just a bit negative isnt it. I will try to change that, promise :)
I try so damn hard to be the perfect mother and wife and friend, that i forget about myself, i put everyone else first, and then i realise that im never #1, so who else can help me, but me?
I tried to do everything right this time, i tried to relax and just go with it, but yet still the depression hits, im slowly starting to realise that unfortunatly its something that i just cannot control, its something that i do need help with and as much as i say i try to look after myself, i get put to last place, all the time, i need to become #1 sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes. im always the one who holds other people together, who helps everyone, its just what i do, i try hard to make everyone else happy.
A few people have emailed me to check up on me :) you know who you are, thank you, means a lot.
I am now taking Fluoxetine, which is an anti-depressant, when it starts working (usually takes a few weeks to start kicking in) its going to help me cope with day to day living, its going to help me think straight, and its going to help me see a way out of the hole im in at the moment.
Depression is a hole, if youve never suffered then its very hard to explain, but its like you get deeper and deeper into this hole, you cant see the sunlight anymore and then the weight starts bearing down on your shoulders and you cant see a way out of it, your not strong enough to get rid of the weight on your shoulders to climb out of the hole, its a dark place to be, its not nice.
I hide from the world, its what i do, at the moment i have 3 "safe zones" my place, Darryls parents place and my SIL & BILs place, i feel safe in these houses, and im tending to stick to staying around these areas. eventually i will move out into the world a bit more, but right now, i need my safety.
So many things contribute to the depression, lack of sleep, children, babies, stress, husbands (hehe), life in general, but i think that even if my life was perfect, i would probably still suffer, there is just something in me and i need to learn to accept that, treat it and move on with it.
its an illness, not a disability.
SO its time for me to look foward.
what do i have to look foward to?
-The rest of my life...
-My babies growing up
-becoming a professional musician (haha)
-getting my tattoo, then getting the next one after it! haha
-being happy....
i can do this, i can beat this, i am stronger than this.
peace
7 comments:
I'm glad you are getting the help you need to get yourself back.
You must keep it all inside hon because it's never ever been obvious (to me) that this is how you've been feeling.
Catch up soon.
xxx
I have been thinking about you and wondering how you're going.
Even though it sounds a terrible place to be, I'm sure you know how to fix you. Can't wait for you to feel better :)
I must admit I was a bit worried when you had not posted for long. I am really sorry you have this but at least you are getting help with it. Things will get better, & you do have a list of things to look forward to - that is a BIG positive. Take care
Hey Carla,
I have been there and sometimes I slip back. We are all here for you. Don't worry about what your posts are like just type them and get them out there, we all understand.
Take care
Lisa
You're right, you can do this! And I honestly believe the first step in the right direction is to admit what you're facing.
Always remember that this is your journal - it's great to read about you, your kids and your day to day life but ultimately you need to write about what you want to write about and not worry about it being negative or up and down. If you can't be yourself in your own blog then what's the point?
I'm glad that you're taking steps in the right direction. I've suffered from mild depression some time ago and although it was mild it's not something i'd like to experience again but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you're heading in the right direction!
Everything I wanted to say when I read this post has already been said in the other comments, so just sending some massive hugs, and hoping that you start to feel on top of things soon. If I can do anything to help, please let me know xxx
I have been there too, it is awful and I'm glad you are getting the help you need via the drugs... lovely wee things those pills! Chin up and hang in there, it will kick in soon and you will be feeling so much better.
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