where am i now?

yep its been a while since i last posted, and still little has changed unfortunatly.

those around me are seeing slight improvements, however i am not.

we had an appt today with 2 drs and a nurse, they wanted to see if i needed to be admitted into hospital, thank god i dont, because honestly they would of had to have taken me kicking and screaming, like hell im going to be admitted!

still having my up days, still having my down days, very little change, if in the next week there is still minimal change then my medication will be looked at again, at the moment im taking anywhere between 7 and 11 pills a day, just depends on my mood, but 7 is the minimum, thats a hell of a lot of medication!

just gotta keep on keeping on aye!

but on top of everything going on with me, Darryls parents have gone away on holiday overseas for the next few weeks, USA and Canada, sounds like they will have a blast, however the day before they flew out, Darryls Nana took a turn and had a fall, and she is now in hospital, and last night Darryls Granddad had a fall and ended up in hospital too, so really full on and heaps of stress on Darryl at the moment trying to work, look after the girls, look after me, look after his grandparents, full on!!

anyway, i will be trying to take every day step by step, its all i can do for now, but man, not being allowed to drive is taking its toll, im damn bored! so if youve got any ideas to keep me occupied (dont say scrapbooking Kate! i have minimal concentration!) id love to hear them! ive been sewing up a storm, making gorgeous ribbon comfort blankies for babies, and selling a few on trademe even! (stretch55 is my username, have a peek!)

take care, ka kite

Carla
xxx

another update

First of all, what you will read below may shock you, but you know me by now, i tell it as it is, i dont mince my words, and i believe in by me being honest, you all will learn and appreciate more how Mental Illness affects people.

SO where have i been since i last updated

A fukken mess quite honestly.

what scares me most is the fact i thought i had hit rock bottom. but no, i was far from it.

i have been getting less and less sleep, most nights surviving on 2-3 hours, so i started on some sleepy pills, unfortunatly, they werent the best type for me. i had a bit of a reaction to them (in my head) so instead of having a calming affect, they had the complete opposite effect. i went crazy. i started to beat myself up, punching myself in the head, banging my head on the floor, bedhead, wall, Darryls knees and elbows (while he was trying to restrain me) quite honestly i completely and utterly lost the plot. it wasnt me, but it was me. and that petrifys me.

I was aware of what i was doing, i remember parts (not all) of it, Darryl got his sister to come over to help and she called an ambulance. i remember the Ambulance officer dude sitting on the floor beside me (i was lying on the ground, Darryl was ontop of me holding me down) asking if i wanted to go with them, i was like WTF of course i dont! then i bashed my head on the floor, the ambo guy got a bit strict with me then, i was either going with them, or i was getting a police escort because they would call them out. i couldnt understand why because i hadnt done anything illegal, but i co-operated with them. i didnt want the police over! bad enough having an ambulance parked in my driveway!!!

So off to the hospital i went, i cant remember much at all of it, just remember coming home again, darryls mum picked us up (Darryls sister and mum were at the hospital for a bit) and Olivia was in the back seat, and i was so relieved to see her.

Kaylee has been at mums for the last week, which has been great, she came home yesterday, so i need to learn how to be a mum to a toddler again, hard work.

anyway, im on so much medication its not funny, im on Anti-depressents, anti-psycotics (to calm me before bed) and sleeping pills, and im STILL not getting any sleep, last night was amazing at 7 hours, its the first time in a long time i have had that much, the night before was 2 hours and the night before that was 3 hours.

im in close contact with a Mental health team, they ring me or visit me daily, keep a very close eye on my medication, and ive also had respite nurses here on a 24 hour basis, they have also been amazing, my angels i call them, they do an awesome job. we are down to a respite nurse coming every night (to deal with Olivia) its been an amazing help.

its been hard, damn hard, i have had thoughts i never knew i could have, i have been through so many emotions its not funny, and i have put my family and friends through more than they should EVER have to go through. i hate it.

but i just have to keep on going aye.

xxx

an update

Firstly, much love and big thank yous for my texts, emails, comments, they all mean a lot, and definitely are helping me get through this mess.

Recently i went severely downhill, i have never in my life felt so low and so bad and so scared, if i thought i was bad before, wow, i didnt have a clue what was to come.

My Dr changed my medication, and ive had the dosage increased twice now, (increased for the 2nd time yesterday) as there has been very minimal improvement at all. the hardest part for me has been losing complete control, ive hated every minute of it. (and yes, as much as i tell myself and others tell me not too, im still hiding it a lot)

So my Dr referred me to Maternal Mental Health, and i had an appt today with a Mental Health Dr and another lady (i think a social worker, not too sure) both very nice, I was referred to them first for assessment, then they decide what to do from here, they say I have severe depression, and a lot of it has stemmed from my childhood, not just postnatal, and so they have upped my medication again, I also have severe panic attacks and they offered me lithium or Valium (I think - cant remember) and sleeping pills, but I refused because im scared of what they will do to Olivia (still BFing) and they said I have anxiety and phobia issues (they had big names for everything) and they are going to work out what is the best therapy for me to have and go from there.

Scary stuff… I was petrified of going to the appt (Darryl did come with me), but im glad i did, im still very scared, petrified infact, especially of the unknown, i dont know yet what is to come, but i do know that it will be positive, and it will help me get better.

Ive had amazing support from my husband, my mother, my SIL & BIL, and several of my very close friends (you know who you are and i love you dearly), all of whom i love from the bottom of my heart and appreciate everything they have done for me, im truelly blessed.

Unfortunatly ive had a few people who i thought were close friends, freeze me out completely, no texts, no emails, no ph calls, no visits, and that has been hard, i want to scream, IM STILL ME! but im sure they will come around in their own time, its hard for many people to deal with, and many people have no idea how to deal with it, so ignore the situation completely.

I had a phone call today from someone at Waitakere Hospital, checking up on me, making sure i was ok, apparently they have made me an emergancy appt tomorrow where a dr either comes to me at my house, or i go to them, not too sure when yet, but they will let me know. So there are several departments and my own Dr, all working together, im very lucky to have this, but it is incredibly daunting and scary for me, apart from my dr, i dont know these people, and i have to open up to them, and that is very hard for me to do even to my close friends, let alone a stranger.

Its a dark dark scary place to be, and it terrifies me every damn day. But the light is now starting to appear. i just have to allow it to reach me. xxx

I did it :)

It should be on my 101 list, but its not, its something i have ALWAYS wanted to do, and yesterday was the day!

i got my Tattoo, HUGE step for me, huge milestone, a little sad though now, because i have been looking foward to it for so long, and its now over and done with, Darryl said to just remember i have a lasting reminder about the excitement, but i do crave that excitement again, i dont have anything else at the moment to look foward to, so im just going to have to find something :)

what does it mean? the 3 points of the knot, symbolise (to me) my 3 babies, 1 in heaven, and 2 on earth (hence the point upwards and 2 points downwards) the circle that entwines them is the circle of everlasting love, so basically its my everlasting love for my children.

its on my lower (inside) left leg, just above my ankle.

i absolutley LOVE it and i am SO SO SO rapt that i got it.

and yep it hurt, but nothing i couldnt handle. mine took a fraction of the time that my BILs took (he came with me and got one done too, his is a funky sun with YinYang in it, very cool) but yeah, im rapt with it, and so glad i have it. now i want another one :)

How am I doing? im not going to lie and say great, because im not, im pretty shit actually, my Dr has changed my medication because the other stuff wasnt doing anything, and i have to wait a couple of weeks to see if the new meds kick in ok, if they dont then my dose gets increased and i get referred to an organisation for outside help. Its not fun being where i am at the moment, and its so hard for me KNOWING that i want to just snap out of it, KNOWING that all these thoughts i cannot control, as much as im trying and as much as im fighting it i have NO control and its very very hard to lose that, and its very very hard to explain to someone who hasnt been there because a lot of people think that you can just snap out of it, i wish it was that easy.

I now have anxiety ontop of the depression, i freak out at every little thing, im scared all of the time and i find it hard to even do the most basic of tasks, everything just seems very very daunting, and even though i know that this is how i feel, i just cannot do anything to stop it, i dont know how.

so i am still one day at a time, im starting to let my friends help me, and im starting to ask for help, because i think i need to, i find it very hard to be alone, thats when i freak out the most, so if i have my close friends (or family) near me, i tend to be ok. i just want to be normal again.

Life goes on :)

Right, where have i been? what have i been up to??

not much really! haha

I had a lovely Mothers day, got a nice bunch of flowers and then proceeded to get thoroughly pissed on Sunday night. ate heaps of yummy things like cheeses and hummis and dips and pita breads, was great! Just had a nice relaxing day really. heaps of fun!

Then my kids got sick, Kaylee didnt go to kindy at all last week (back today thank god!) she had a terrible cold and at one stage couldnt talk because her throat hurt. didnt take her long to bounce back thank god! So it was a bit of a hard week, Olivia still playing up at night and Kaylee so full on because she was sick during the day, i was pretty damn tired!!

Friday morning i had Olivia allergy tested, unfortunatly at this age (under the age of 1) they dont test any airbourne allergins, so she only got tested for food allergys, which she has none, so im quite happy about that!

Saturday morning Darryl had the day off work (rare occurance) and we all met up with SIL & BIL and kids up at Darryls parents place and had morning tea there for Darryls Nanas birthday, great for the kids to have a run around and for the adults to sit and blob knowing the kids cant go anywhere!!!

Sunday morning i went out with my BIL to go Tattoo Parlour shopping (aka checking out places to see what they are like so we can book our tats to be done) and guitar shopping, turned out to be one hell of a flop of a morning really lol NOTHING was open! places that have ALWAYS been open on a Sunday werent open at all, so we have to wait until Darryl has another Saturday off so we can go out on a Saturday to get it all sorted (so he can watch the kids, im so NOT taking any children to a Tattoo place!!!) i was hoping to get my tattoo by now, but ive promised BIL that i will wait for him, he has to perfect his design first. i cant wait though!! then i can work on my next design! haha

Other than that, im just cruising, taking each day as it comes, up to day 14 now of my medication, hopefully very soon it will start to kick in, i definitely have my up and down moments and i definitely need to slow down

working on it!

Hi, my name is Carla, and I suffer from Depression...

Ive been trying to work out a way, over the past few days, to word this post, I have written and rewritten it in my head, and still it just doesnt sound right, and it probably wont, because realistically im the only one that knows what on earth im on about!!

You may notice (when i do post... haha) how my posts are so up and down all the time, i do try not to be too blah, but sometimes when i read back to what i have written, well its just a bit negative isnt it. I will try to change that, promise :)

I try so damn hard to be the perfect mother and wife and friend, that i forget about myself, i put everyone else first, and then i realise that im never #1, so who else can help me, but me?

I tried to do everything right this time, i tried to relax and just go with it, but yet still the depression hits, im slowly starting to realise that unfortunatly its something that i just cannot control, its something that i do need help with and as much as i say i try to look after myself, i get put to last place, all the time, i need to become #1 sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes. im always the one who holds other people together, who helps everyone, its just what i do, i try hard to make everyone else happy.

A few people have emailed me to check up on me :) you know who you are, thank you, means a lot.

I am now taking Fluoxetine, which is an anti-depressant, when it starts working (usually takes a few weeks to start kicking in) its going to help me cope with day to day living, its going to help me think straight, and its going to help me see a way out of the hole im in at the moment.

Depression is a hole, if youve never suffered then its very hard to explain, but its like you get deeper and deeper into this hole, you cant see the sunlight anymore and then the weight starts bearing down on your shoulders and you cant see a way out of it, your not strong enough to get rid of the weight on your shoulders to climb out of the hole, its a dark place to be, its not nice.

I hide from the world, its what i do, at the moment i have 3 "safe zones" my place, Darryls parents place and my SIL & BILs place, i feel safe in these houses, and im tending to stick to staying around these areas. eventually i will move out into the world a bit more, but right now, i need my safety.

So many things contribute to the depression, lack of sleep, children, babies, stress, husbands (hehe), life in general, but i think that even if my life was perfect, i would probably still suffer, there is just something in me and i need to learn to accept that, treat it and move on with it.

its an illness, not a disability.

SO its time for me to look foward.

what do i have to look foward to?

-The rest of my life...

-My babies growing up

-becoming a professional musician (haha)

-getting my tattoo, then getting the next one after it! haha

-being happy....

i can do this, i can beat this, i am stronger than this.

peace

gotta love a bargain!

Hope you've all had a lovely weekend!!

we really havent done too much, but i kinda feel like ive relaxed a little - alll good! Darryl worked Saturday while i stayed home and completely blobbed with the kids, i mean BLOBBED, Kaylee didnt even get out of her PJs! we watched dvds and read heapppps of books and just really spent quality time with my girls, it was great! then last night i went out babysitting for my SIL & BIL while they went out for dinner, it was SO nice to have the TV all to myself for once! i got to finish a book i have been reading for yonks, read a magazine and watch a movie! bliss!

Darryl took Kaylee with him to run errands today, so Olivia and I went shopping, i got a top that i have had my eyes on for a while, feels nice to splurge on myself once in a while! and then i went to the Warehouse, ohhhh the house of bargains! isnt it just the coolest place!! i got 3 funky tops for a whopping $25!! (thats right man, for all 3!) and i splurged on some new underware too, i love treating myself and dont seem to do it as often as i should!

im not sure what this week has in store for me yet, im just going to run with it a bit, apart from Kindy i have nothing else on (i think... remind me if i do!)

anyway off to my guitar lesson i go, and yep im still doing them, and yep im still absolutely loving it!

Learning curves and emotions

I find it amazing sometimes how you can know someone for so long, but then never really know them until they open up completely to you and you open up completely to them, you learn so much. its very refreshing. very real. opens up a whole new world that you never really knew about really!

this last week has been good really, Kaylee back at Kindy, Olivias sleeping is getting better, Kaylees speech is just coming along beautifully and everything just seems to be going how it should be for once, its nice!

We tend to still remind Kaylee to go to the toilet often, its more our habit, she is very good at remembering, on Wednesday we noticed she hadnt been for a while, so Darryl took her to the loo, she sat on, look up at Darryl, shrugged her shoulders and said "but Daddy, i got no weewees in me!" it was so cute, and just the way she did it, cracked us up - had to share :) shes getting more easier to understand every day, and it makes communication with her fantastic!

Olivia is 6 mths old today, can you believe it! 6mths has just flown by, but it is like she has been with us forever, shes just infectious, she is so beautiful, very cool that she is mine :)

I have chosen my Tattoo, and am very ready to get it now, i absolutly love it and the meaning behind it and the meaning i want for it, its special. But i wont be getting it done for a few weeks yet, im going with my BIL as he wants one too, so we decided to go together and support each other through the pain! lol so im just waiting on him to make up his mind on where he wants to go and check out and perfect his design.

as soon as its done though i will let you know!!!

ive already decided what my next one will be, lol.... i heard they are a bit addictive!

Ah HA moments :)

Today i had one of those "ah HA" moments, you know, the ones where you will be just going along in your own world merrily, you will be just doing your own thing, and then, THEN, you have a realization that you dont need those thoughts, you dont need that person, you dont NEED to feel that way.

Kate: you will know who im talking about here..... talk to ya soon! x




Today i was surfing through a friends BEBO page, BEBO, MySpace etcetc are all things that i havent started pages on, i have my blog here, that will do! but anyway, i was surfing through her page, then looking through her friends (heaps of old school friends of mine) and friends friends, you know how it goes, ANYWAY i stumbled across someones page, someone who i used to be close to at one time in my life, someone who i could of been a lot closer too and always regretted my actions at a certain time in my life. I come to this page, i had a nosey (as ya do) and i didnt feel anything, i didnt feel regret, i didnt feel sadness, i didnt feel anything that i thought i might of if the time came (which of course it did today) that i would see this person again.


i find this, personally, an achievement.


Im the type of person who cant let go if im the one in the wrong, i cant accept my actions and i live in a life of regret. I wallow in my own self pity and I tend to get VERY emotionally involved when i just shouldnt.


This to me, is the first step of many.


Its pretty damn refreshing!

A bit like a haircut really.

I got one of them today too :)



Small steps, small changes, my life.



My weekend has been pretty good, we havent done much, but we have done heaps, if that makes sense!



Yesterday while the guys were doing the Home Show (the Autumn home show) my SIL and I entertained all the kids, we made the gloop (cornflour and water) holy crap whatta mess! it was hilairious! so they all go bathed after that one! then we drew all over the driveway, i even (kinda) taught them how to play hopscotch, that was fun... i think i had more fun doing that than the kids did! there was drawing, and making necklaces with beads and playing with playdough, the kids had a great day and we were all buggered!!



Darryl brought Roast Dinners for everybody which we enjoyed after all the kids went to bed, and then us adults (Darryl, myself, SIL & BIL) watched Casino Royale (James Bond). it wasnt my cuppa tea, but it was nice to blob!



This morning was of course my hair cut, and really not much else, which has been a good thing really, we got a few things done, thats always nice!

Time to feed my girls :) easy dinners tonight, Spagetti on toast for Kaylee and pears and farex for Olivia... ohhh yummmm :)


Ciao :)

My girls

Every day i find it amazing and unbelievable and astounding how these 2 precious girls, are mine (as in Darryl's and my own). Nobody else has any responsibility for them, no one else loves them as much as we do, these 2 girls just blow us away everyday, reaching and exceeding milestones, growing more, talking more, even their smiles just light up the room. It amazes me to think that i brought these children into the world, they are mine, they are a part of me, and i should be proud of who they are, what they have become and what they will be.

They absolutely melt my heart and i would be so lost without them.

Kaylee has been off kindy for the school holidays, she will start back on Monday, she will be 3 in July.... its amazing how fast that time has gone, how far we have all come and how much we have learnt. Kaylees speech just gets better and better every day, she is now fully day toilet trained (didnt take her long at all), she is so very tall, in a size 4 already, and she is such a hard case, some of the things she does and says, some of her actions and facials just crack us up daily, she is a delight. (but we are going through a stage at the moment where she will not look at the camera when photos are being taken!!!)

Olivia will be 6 months old on the 27th of this month, we have come so far with her, but still have a way to go, we have acknowledged that and are now just getting on with it. She loves her 1 solids meal a day, she LOVES her baths, she kicks and squeels in delight and she just ADORES her big sister (who adores her little sister right back!) they spend ages rolling around on the floor together, or in Olivias cot together, and i hope and pray that they have such a wonderful relationship growing up. Olivia has the most amazing eyes, and the most amazing smile (which i find VERY hard to get on camera!!) my children are beautiful and i love them so much.

Foody stuff

i havent talked about food for ages, probably because i have SO many other things going on, but i thought i would let you know where im at and what i have been up to.

As ive said in a previous post, i have no idea what i weigh at the moment, and i kind of like that, im a bit curious, and if i went into someones bathroom and they had a set of scales there, then i would probably use them :) however at the moment, im quite happy knowing that my clothes are loose, im down a couple of sizes (compared to this time last year) and im feeling healthier all round.

I guess breastfeeding has a lot to do with it, i have to make sure i eat well, in order to produce good milk, if i eat crap, i notice a decline in my supply, so its a good reason to continue eating healthy. (with the odd treat)

Darryl said to me the other day that he has noticed my portions are so much smaller than they used to be, and thats probably another thing thats helping, sometimes i get a bit carried away on portion sizes and my eyes end up bigger than my stomach, however i just keep eating.... not really a good thing!

Coming into winter again though, im just going to have to be careful, things like Lasagne, and curries are of course lovely warm winter foods, and we tend to have these a lot... will have to watch that! this year though i have my crock pot, so i can do healthy cassoroles and stews with lots of veggies.

bit of a boring post really, but just kinda putting it all down what has been happening foody wise, im finding myself drawn to the more healthy options on a menu, to the more healthy options for dinners at home, fruit bowl always full, veggie bin always full, freezer always full of lean meats, if you have the basics, it makes preperations alot easier!!!

#2

yep, 2 posts in one morning! arent you just so lucky! haha

Well i went out last night, not the night i was hoping for, as non of my girls could make it (everyone is sick!! no fair!! get better soon babes!!) so just Darryl and i toddled along, i didnt get my boogy, but there is always next time, i had a few drinks, that was nice, and i met a few people, that was nice, and listened to some good music for a couple of hours, next time though, hold me back baby im gunna boogy!!! (my girls, watch this space!)

My mum and youngest sister arrived yesterday, so its quite nice having someone else keeping Kaylee entertained for a while, 2 year olds are full on! (Kate... under 3 mths to go until the big 3! holy CRAP!), but so hilarious!!! Kaylee has a boyfriend from kindy, its very cute, she keeps talking about him, ahhh young love, very sweet!!! so they will be here until Tuesday morning at this stage. we have absolutly no plans for this weekend, but Darryl and I might make the most of the fact we have a couple of babysitters in the house for a few days and pop out now and again! we already have plans to go out in a couple of hours for lunch, so that should be nice, not having to worry about any children, nappies, prams, bottles, etc!!

Have a wonderful weekend folks, take care, look after yourselves

peace out

PMD and other stuff :)

Sandra, no offence is ever taken :) i love comments, no matter what they may be, i guess sometimes its hard in blogland, you never get the full picture of the person you are reading, their full life, their full actions and indiscretions, because we only choose parts of our lives to write about :)

I have on many an occasion considered the fact that I may have PND and i will be honest in saying i am avoiding the dr like the plague (i am quite overdue for a smear!) because she will pick up on it, i personally DO NOT want to be on drugs again, thats just me, thats just my decision, (i am working in other directions to fight this) i was on Fluoxitine (prozac) for a long time with Kaylee, and those of you who knew me then, will know that i was a VERY different person with Kaylee than i am now, Kaylee was such an easy baby, she made everything to do with having a baby a breeze, slept through the night at an early age, took to formula well, took to solids well, it was just ME that was messed up, i felt so horrid and discusting all the time, and i couldnt work out why, i also had very little in the way of a support system, i had very few friends and being a first time mama, i really didnt have a clue.

I am such a different person now than i was then, i have so much more in place in way of a support system, (and i have my blog where i can get it alllll out! haha) i have so many friends and family around, i have a great husband who helps any way that he can and i have a lot of people i can talk to, im also more open and honest with my feelings, im more aware of my feelings and my actions and how they affect me and others, and i know so much more about having kids now than i did then! (it helps, believe me!) but i just need to remember that Olivia is a different child, she will never be Kaylee, i can compare them till im blue in the face and they are just so unbelievably different its not funny! I guess to me it was (and still is) such a culture shock, after having the "perfect" (for lack of a better word) baby first time, and now having a baby who wakes all the time in the night, doesnt put on weight, and is very slow at reaching her developmental milestones, it makes me feel like im doing something wrong, what did i do SO right with Kaylee, that im doing SO wrong with Olivia.

But then i have to stop, and think, and remember.... i am not doing anything wrong, im working my ass off trying to be a great Mama and life teacher, im doing all i can to give my babies the best life they can have, physically and emotionally, i have 2 totally different children, i cannot in any way, shape or form even begin to compare them, i cannot let myself get down about the fact that Olivia is so different than Kaylee (and vice versa) i just have to take each day at a time, each hour at a time, and just wing it for now.

A lot of my posts lately have been a little odd, weird, negative, however if i dont get it out, i bottle it up, and i would much rather have you all think im a bit of a freak, than go absolutly crazy again, i just cant have that, i have myself, my children, my husband, my friends and family to think of. i have to be the best person i can be, for now, right now. because if i dont, then im doing myself an injustice.

Finding Carla

yep, still on my wee mission :)

ive almost decided on what kind of tattoo to get, i just have to perfect the design and do the whole toilet door thing for a month or so... or will i just go and get it... ive wanted it for long enough, watch this space. im not going to show you though, until i get it.

ive considered on many occasions making my blog private (follow the leader!) or starting a new one, just for me, just to get my own personal thoughts out, but really at the moment i dont have the time or energy to keep that up, hence why my posts are a bit out-of-it, so much is going on that i just cant talk about, things that have the potential to make me a very bad person, and im just not going there. i am not a bad person. i have been talking about things with someone, and that has helped heaps, but things im just not willing to share with people i dont know that well, hope you understand. I need to get my head around a few things, i need to start living properly again.

im still loving playing the guitar, its fantastic, i love going into our cruddy spare room and shutting the door behind me and just turning off the world for a while. i dont care that i cant play that well, i dont care that i sound like a strangled cat when i sing, im just loving it.

Ive lost my bathroom scales, i have NO idea where they are, i have searched high and low, therefor i have NO idea what i weigh. and really. at this point and time. i dont give a fuck. all my clothes (including my tight jeans) are loose. that has to be a good sign, either that, or i have stretched everything to buggery :)

i love my kids, but ive kinda had enough being a stay at home mama, im very blessed that we have the type of income that we can afford for me to stay at home, however im bored, doing the same things over and over and over again. and my kids are suffering because of that, and i hate that my kids are suffering because of basically my own selfishness, therefor, im going back to work, not yet, but soon, maybe in about 6mths time. a position may be open for me, i just have to finalise details, but we have several months for that. i will miss my babies. but i MISS ME, and i just have to do something about that.

I always thought that my calling in life was to be a Mama, was to raise a family, up until (very) recently, i was definitely not going back to work until all my children were at school, i was definitely not going to be a working mother, hell we can afford for me not to be, (with some sacrifices) so why not? but i didnt realise that i would - in gaining a family - lose myself, which essentially i have, now i have changed (for the better i think) and daily am changing, daily i am finding new things about myself, im finding more courage and more passion and more ME, more of who i used to be. more of who i want to be, without disadvantaging my children and husband, but still being positive for me.

Im off to the pub tomorrow night (as said in a previous post) something so simple for so many people is popping down to your local for a beer, shit, i havent done that since i was about 19!! im only 25 years old for fucks sakes, im not old! ive said it before and i will say it again, im looking foward to getting pissed off my tree :) (ok, well having a few drinks anyway! lol that should be enough) im looking foward to having a kanikani and letting my (short) hair down for a bit!

My mother and 2 sisters are coming to visit tomorrow, they will stay until Tuesday, so im really looking foward to that, having a few more pairs of hands around to keep Kaylee and Olivia occupied, it will be nice that i have a bit of adult company in the house on the days that Darryl is at work, it will be great for them to catch up with the kidlets too, hopefully make this household a bit smoother for a few days!

the Auckland home show is coming very soon.... exciting for us :) watch this space hehe

still around

not much to say, Olivia is only waking twice a night now, (well for the past few nights anyway) im still happily strumming away, heaps of other stuff going on, still finding myself, kinda got myself in a bit of a mess, but will find my way out of it, always do!

Mel, definitely keen for you to come visit us from Japan so we can watch Borat together! hehe

Christine, i WILL make it down your way for a cuppa one day, but hey, your always welcome up here, i know heaps of people in the north would luv to meet ya! xx

my Mum and sisters are coming up on Friday arvo, staying until Tuesday, so that will be good for a break, Darryl and I are off out to the pub on Friday night to watch my BIL and his band play, so im looking foward to getting utterly pissed :)

i have a thing for Penguins at the moment, i think they are kinda cute....

im just a bit weird right now if you havent guessed :)

and this too shall pass

xxx

Decluttering

As you all know, im on this whole "find myself" thing, mentally, physically and emotionally, its kind of like a decluttering of my thoughts and emotions and getting everything back to reality and in check again.

Well im in the process of decluttering physical things too, my house (Kate and Em will testify to this! haha) is SO cluttered, i have so much crap its not funny, crap that we just dont need. so today i finally got off my arse and sorted out Kaylees room, as a result we have 1 toybox of toys, 1 box of dressups and puzzles and a bookshelf of books, and its great!! back to how i used to have her room, neat and tidy, clothes hung up, bed made (well kinda... shes been playing in it!) so hopefully now that it is done, it will be easier for miss Kaylee to maintain every night before bed!

i did a quick look through the house today and found all the things that i dont actually need... as a result i have heaps listed on Trademe and hopefully i will make pretty good money on it too! (Stretch55 is my username if you wanna squizz - nothing like a bit of self promotion in your own blog!) i have heaps more to list too, but i thought if i list a few things at a time, it means a few items (clutter) at a time will leave my house, brilliant! it feels nice to throw things away, and start clearing things out, because to me a clear house helps you mentally too.

Now, what are we going to do about Miss Olivia..... i rang healthline today and talked to one of their wonderful wellchild nurses, i told her all the feeding and sleeping issues we were having, i told her about Olivias lack of weight gain, and i told her that basically im pretty buggered right now! so, taking her ideas on board, we are going to get strict on Olivia from tonight.... i feed her up good and proper before bed (always do) put her down, when she first wakes (usually about 1 recently) i feed her (like usual) from then on, i dont feed her (wahhhh!!!) we try to let her settle herself back down, if she doesnt, we settle her, but we dont give in with the boobie!!! because of how rotten she feeds during the day, i need to work on her night sleeping, so her day feeding will be heaps better, so i HAVE to do it, it may take anywhere from a few nights to a couple of weeks to sort out properly, but right now i KNOW olivia is fed at night, she just likes getting up to snuggle with her mummy, and i KNOW that i am slowly losing the plot and i need my sleep.

i dont know if im strong enough though... so i might just hide out in the spare room and let Darryl deal with her! lol

ahhhh nevermind!!! we WILL get there!!!

Ok, i dont know if its anyone here, but if there is anyone called LION CITY out there fowarding me emails, please stop! i dont know who you are, therefor i dont open them and really its just spam to me. i know a couple of other people get the same things, so it would be NICE if you stopped, cheers.

#3 :) in process

Yep, #3 on my 101 list is to learn guitar again, i LOVE playing music, i had both keyboard and guitar lessons when i was younger, also did a bit of the drums, and the usual primary school ukelele and recorder (lol). but the guitar and keyboard are definitely my faves. my "tutor" is my BIL, he was rapt when i asked him to teach me, and refuses any kind of payment for it, so im very lucky that he is happy to take time out of his already very busy schedule to teach me.

We had our first lesson on Saturday night, just a short one, but ive been strumming along happily all day, trying to remember what i used to know, and learn what i have been taught, because i know if i dont, he will open up a big can of "whoop ass" on me! very strict! But starting next week, every monday night, will be for me, learning to play again (no more Maori styles! lol)

Then on Saturday night we all (myself, Darryl, his Sis and BIL) watched Borat on DVD, now if you know me (and my personalised plates!) you will know im the HUGEST Ali G fan, and Borat was NO disapointment to me, i LOVED IT!!! i havent laughed so much in ages and just adored the fact that i could lose myself in the movie, didnt have to THINK during the movie (its a bit like that!) and could just relax and blob for a bit, it was fabbo!

Sunday i picked up my SIL and we took off to the shops for a few hours with just the 2 babies (my neice is 5 weeks younger than Olivia) it was great not having to chase the 3 older ones around the shops, it was just so easy going shopping! so (LOL) we have plans to do it again on Saturday... because... well... there are just things we need, ok? lol (our excuse to the boys!)

i kept Kaylee home from kindy today, thinking that her cough shouldnt be shared around kindy... omggggg its been a hard day! i ended up putting her to bed and locking her in her bedroom (she doesnt have day sleeps much anymore) and i was SO lucky that she went to sleep, however Olivia hasnt slept sweet FA today, so its been a challenging one!

I have macaroni and Cheese in the crockpot at the moment, for dinner, omg, yum, it smells devine!!!!! just thought id share :)

Im busy looking at Tattoos, i have seen one that i LOVE, however its extremely similar (so i found out after i drew it up - it was online and i had to pay for the full photo, so i printed the mini one and scanned and enlarged it, naughty aye!) to one that a good friend of mine wants, so i dont think i will go there, and i will find something else, draw it up to size, and paste it on the back of my toilet door for a month where i will have no choice but to look at it often! haha, then if i still like it, then im getting it dammit!!! :)

1/4 life crisis

you know how some people have a mid life crisis? im having it early, lol

im on a mission to find myself again, find the beautiful, attractive person that i know is there, find hobbys that are just about ME, do what I want to do, because if i dont, when i get old, will i have regrets? i dont want regrets in my life, i want to LIVE.

i always told myself that once i had kids they would work around me, they would be my priority sure, but i would not lose myself.

well i have lost myself

and i need to find ME again

so here is what i am going to do

im getting a Tattoo, not yet, but soon, i have always wanted one, but peoples opinions have put me off, fuck em, its my body, its my skin, its what i want, its going to happen.

im taking guitar lessons, starting next Monday night. i used to play the guitar when i was a kid, i got really good, but now, sadly, i let it all go. im a very musical person, i love nothing more than relaxing to a good cd, or dancing, or singing (not very well but who cares) i used to play the keyboard too, so once im sussed with the guitar i will start back on keyboards again.

im looking into doing a night school class, maybe try and get into web design, or something similar.

im doing some work for the business and eventually will pick up more, maybe even have an office job in the future. we dont really know there yet.

im finding myself again, and im going to enjoy myself again.

everything.

Olivias sleeping during the night is getting so much better, thank goodness, now i just have to work on getting to sleep, i tend to toss and turn a lot!! Olivia is waking usually twice (over the past few nights) so thats not too bad, i can deal with that.

Kaylee is being a 2 year old... and its driving me nuts, thank god for kindy because i just dont have the energy to deal with her

PND/Depression has reared its ugly head a couple of times, but im trying so hard to beat it, i am in control, at the moment anyway, and working on ways to keep this at bay. i suffered from this with kaylee, so i know what to look for now.

I had Olivias 5mth check at plunket yesterday (yep 5mths already!) however she hasnt gained any weigh since her 3 mth check, she is still 6.1kg. she is on the 25% line for height, and just under it for weight, so the nurse wasnt toooo worried because she is all in proportian. however i have to do a self weigh in a couple of months, just to be sure.

i have a lot going on im my life right now (things that i just will not blog about), so i dont get the time to sit on the computer too much, i do try to read everyone, and follow everyones journesy, beit weightloss, your life, your children, pregnancies. i am thinking of you all lots

back to reality.

Good Friends

Its really nice to have good friends, there was a time in my life that i didnt have any friends at all, i was lonely and did some stupid things just to try and make friends, needless to say those friends i no longer know, or care about. i do wonder about them, i wonder if they did end up in jail, or if they are dead, or if they finally sorted their shit out, somehow, i doubt it.....

Last night i went out to a dear friends place and met up with another dear friend there too, both of which like me for who i am, not for material things, not for a pretend-acting-up me, just for me, its comfortable, its nice, its great to have a goss/bitch/laugh/cry with my friends and know that they think like me, they appreciate me, just like i love and appreciate them. it was fantastic to get out of the house for a few hours, it was a really pleasant night, not doing anything, not getting dressed up, just blobbing and gossing, i love it! Thank you :)

i woke up this morning feeling like a truck had hit me, i feel like ARSE! so i jumped in the shower, and tried to relax, i get out of the shower to find Kaylee spread talc powder from asshole to breakfast and she looks at me, grins and says "thats a bit naughty aye mummy" hmmm, ya think? Then Olivia poo'd all over me, and the phone just wouldnt stop ringing (i have half a voice right now!) i just lost the plot a little bit, i didnt know where to start, i couldnt calm down to be able to work out what to do next, i texted my friend and told her that i just couldnt come out today, (we had plans) i didnt know how, and so she came and got Kaylee and they are at the zoo at the moment having a great time, i managed to hang out a heap of washing today, and vacuum and tidy most of the house (i closed the doors on the rest of it! lazy aye!) so mentally i feel a bit better now that i have "done something" physically i still feel like arse, and of course all i can take is panadol... god give me coldral nowwww! lol

id kill to have a maid right now, lol anyone need a job?