ha haaaaaa!!!

i CAN do it!

today has been a great day, Sultana bran for breakfast, fruit salad for lunch, and meat and vege for dinner with strawberries (dont you love the fruit at this time of the year!) for dessert, ANDDD i did 40 minutes on my bike, im so stoked with myself and really it didnt take much, i have no sweets in the house which helps, im still sooo weak when it comes to the sweets!

so hopefully tomorrow i will be back with another great day post!!

the last day of Kaylees kindy (for her) is Monday, ohhh dear, i better get creative with some things to do with her, i (lately) have been relying on Kindy a lot for all her messy play, and i know she is going to get so bored not going there, so i need to start thinking of some things for her to do!

its so wonderfully quiet here, Darryl is at work, the girls are asleep, and im blobbing on the computer, bliss!

So, how am i doing?

I havent been blogging every day like i said i would, i will get there i promise!!

I am trying really hard though, especially with the no sugar thing, its hard, even harder when Darryl comes home with chocolate.... but we will get there!

Ive started using my exersize bike again, aiming for at least half an hour every day, in 10 minute lots to make it more bearable, and increasing as i get fitter.

i was TRYING to be nice and healthy tonight with dinner too, we ordered Hell Pizza, and i thought no, i wont have pizza, i will have a yummy salad (they do great salads!) so i ordered that, but when it arrived there was a big hori fly in my salad! ew! so i didnt get to eat that, talk about nausiating!!

so im still taking it day by day, small steps, but every day i come a little bit further, which is good of course!

im going to aim to lose 20kgs, i desperatly want another tattoo, and i said to Darryl tonight, i can get it when, and only when, i lose that 20kgs, and because i want the tat so much i hope that its enough incentive to lose the weight and keep it off.

Enough is enough!

im fat, i admit that, and i need to do something about it, no more procrastinating, no more bullshit, no more crap food! sure i enjoy it while im eating it, but my skin is suffering, my weight is suffering, i constantly feel bloated and im VERY self consious. so ive had enough and im going to do something about it.

i was going to wait until after Christmas, but then what will happen after Christmas, i will tell myself to wait until after my birthday, then after summer, then oh its winter, time to blob again.

i think not!

so heres what im going to do:

NO more sugar
NO more cakes, donuts, lollies, chocolate, icecreams
NO more chips
NO more takeaways (or at least if i do get takeout, make it sushi or subway or a Hell salad)
GET MY BIG BUTT MOVING!!!

every damn day i have something sweet, and i cant just stop at 1, i have a whole packet of biscuits (between me and Darryl) or a whole bar of chocolate, its just got to stop! its not healthy!

i have such a bad attitude towards food, i use it as comfort, i use it as bribery, i use it as a best friend, but it shits on me because i put on weight, my skin is crap, and its the time of year where i show more skin and i look like Mr Blobby!

not cool!

so ive asked my dr for a "green Prescription" what is this you may ask? its a script for discounted Gym membership, hopefully i will be able to go back to Club Physical and move my big butt!

i have an exersize bike here that is just collecting dust, i need to start using it, we brought it for a reason, and now more than ever i need to use it.

so every day i will be posting on here (well i will try to every day!) what i have eaten, what exercise i have done and how i am feeling

ive started off well today, sultana bran for breakfast, and im going to be having Sushi for lunch (thanks Rochelle!) i just need to plan dinner, maybe a stirfry, or steak and salad, i will see what Darryl feels like when he gets home.

im going to do this, i need to do this, not for anyone else, but for myself, i dont have the excuse of being depressed, i dont have the excuse of the kids taking all my time, because they are in bed by 7 at the latest every night, and its still light enough for me to get out for a walk

i just need to get off my arse and do it

so i will :)

hello!

been keeping pretty busy here which is nice, plodding along with the kids, getting out and about, (although forgetting to keep some appointments... sorry!) its nice to be well and normal again i tell you!

theres lots of things going on in the background that i cant tell you about just yet, but its all very exciting for me and our future, but watch this space, i will tell you all soon!

still doing lots of sewing and crafty work, i sent some things away as part of a Secret Santa swap, which was fun to do, and the recipient was rapt with it all, so that made me happy!

im thinking about taking up quilting too, ive seen some amazing work lately and its got me really inspired, maybe in the New Year i will look at taking it up and seeing what i can do, i dont know where i will find the time with everything else thats going on but i really want to give it a go!

Kaylee has her end of year Kindy Christmas party coming up on Friday, that should be fun, they have been practising lots of songs and it should be very cute seeing them up on stage! i need to take a savoury plate of some sort, so i need to get my thinking cap on to think of something healthy but tasty to take, any ideas? i was thinking of a vege and cracker platter with some hummus, but i will see if i get any better creative ideas!

Olivia is 13mths old now, still not walking yet, and showing no real signs of walking beginning any time soon, still not standing on her own but likes to walk around holding our hands, she will get there eventually im sure.

Christmas is coming! yay! we put our Christmas tree up on the weekend, i cant wait until we put all the presents under it and Kaylee and Olivia can see their gifts, im a bit lost about what to get Olivia, but because shes only little she really wont care what we get her, so we will keep hers small and Kaylee being a bit older will get a bit spoilt i think!

now im going to have a little vent, but again i cant really say much, i just need to get it out, ive been shit on recently by someone i thought i was very close to, obviously they dont care for me as much as i care for them and my feelings just dont matter, which does hurt, and infact it really pisses me off, promises were made and broken and it really just sux

but i guess you get that sometimes! i just need to move on and realise that not everyone has the same priorities in life that i do, and some people make promises but dont have any intention of keeping them. argh! nevermind

oh and ive decided to open up my blog a little, now members of my family and a few friends read this too :) *waves* i bet they will learn more about me than they ever thought they would lol

and im STILL addicted to sugar..... really not doing very well at this, my phsyciatrist weighed me at my last appointment, and i have gained 16kgs in the past 3 months, thats HUGE and soooo not nice, so i really need to kick myself up the butt and get moving again!

lots of exciting things

happening here! i cant say much at the moment, but it involves a new business, and something i am passionate about.... watch this space!! and fingers crossed for me!!

im still doing really well which is awesome, ive definitely got a lot of my confidence back and life really is going my way, perfect in time for christmas!

speaking of christmas, i still havent done any christmas shopping, ok i lie, i have got a couple of things for Kaylee, i walked into the house the other day and the little monkey spied everything straight away, i need to find some hiding places i think!

i had an awesome day yesterday, i met up with an old school friend, someone i havent seen since i was about 14, so about 11 years, she now has 2 beautiful children and we met up at a childrens indoor playground so the kids could play and we could goss, it was so nice and we had heaps to talk about, i really enjoyed it, got to love Bebo and Facebook for reuniting old friends!

im off shortly to my PND support group, its still going every Wednesday and i find it quite helpful and thought provoking, so thats something i guess! its nice going into a room knowing everyone in there has been through what youve been through and understands and can relate to what your saying, has a bit of a calming effect, but i do come home buggered after all the thinking and talking!

im still not doing too well on the no sugar thing, i just cant give it up! but i am trying and every day i seem to be getting better, i just need to get out walking again and really shift these extra kilos, its hard because one of the meds i am on has the side effect of gaining weight, sure it helps my mind, but the weight things really pisses me off, i guess you will never find the perfect drug, but it does get frustrating!

Things i have been doing

ive been sewing up a storm lately! making nappies, skirts for Kaylee and other things (shhh secret santa business!) so i thought i would share a few of the things i have been making :)

things are really good here, have had a busy week going shopping, and visiting and spending quality time with my kids, its been great!

today i met Kate, Amelia and Natalia at the shops for a coffee and a catchup, this will sound really bad but i havent been out before with Kaylee and Olivia (since Olivia was really little anyway) on my own so it was a big thing for me! but we did ok :) it was lovely to go out and about and now that i have done it, i can do it again!

I talked to an old friend today on the phone, had a good hour or so of catching up, she was one of my best friends from primary school and she gave me a call, it was great! gotta love Facebook & Bebo for keeping you in touch with people!

On Tuesday im meeting another old school friend of mine (havent seen her since about 4th form) at Chipmunks for a good catch up, we found each other through Bebo, so that will be cool, im looking foward to that. I absolutly love Bebo, its put me in touch with SO many people from School and college, its lovely to see what everyone is up to and have my old friends be part of my life again, loving it!

im not doing too well on the no sugar thing (says she with a bar of chocolate right now...) but i have increased my fruit and vege intake and my water intake, so i am feeling a bit healthier for it, i just need to get the sweets under control!

anyway here are a couple of cute pics i took of Olivia recently in her flash new nappies :)

have a great weekend!!

xxx

Sugar!

im sitting here (eating a bag of pineapple lumps...) thinking about sugar, i honestly cant get enough of it lately, and feel its turned into another addiction, im pretty sure that its possible to become addicted to sugar, and im embarressed to say just how much of it i have had recently, way too much!

so i have set myself a little challenge, and that is to wean myself off sugar, im sure my body and mind will thank me for it, i just need to get tough with myself, no more after dinner sweets, no more lunch time treats, no more mid morning snacks, i will take it one day at a time, starting first thing tomorrow morning, have a decent healthy breakfast (i have been skipping breakfast lately, probably my main reason for snacking) and start the day on the right foot

reckon i can do it?? lets give it a go!!

Olivias birthday went well, it was lovely to catch up with friends and family, we had a great time and the kids were shattered (as was i!) by the end of it, but all in all it was a great day, Olivia was wonderfully spoilt and i went the next day and spent all the pumpkin patch vouchers that we got! great fun!

im finding more and more each day that its so easy to do things with my children (something i struggled with since becoming ill) and that little things arent getting to me as much as they used to, i can cook, clean, play, laugh, joke, talk, all like normal again, i tell ya its wonderful!

i had another hospital appt the other day and my dr said to me that she thought the day would never come that i would be well again, im one of the sickest that they have ever had to deal with, so its such a relief for everyone involved that im finally well again!

where does the time go??

Wow, time sure does fly, my baby turns one on Saturday, can you believe it!!! i keep saying to Darryl that we just need to have another one to have a little teeny bub in the house again! not yet though, not until im off meds and the kids are a bit older, but im just amazed at how the past year has flown by.

i feel like i have to grieve a bit, i havent been the mother that i wanted to be, and i have (well i feel like i have) missed out a lot with Olivia, and Kaylee, but Olivias first year is the most important and for most of it i havent been myself, i will just have to have a wine to compensate :p

So we have a nice party planned for Olivia (well... more for me!) on Saturday which i am very much looking foward to, so i should have some photos to show you afterwards

so, whats been going on with me then?

i feel great! the meds are FINALLY doing their thing, im able to do more, think clearer and be a better mother, this last week has been fantastic and i feel like a whole different person, im still taking baby steps and not pushing myself too much.

Saturday is going to be a huge mission for me going back into the entertainer role that i love, but ive just done easy food, chips and dips and crackers and cheese, things in packets that i can just put on plates, real easy! im trying to make my life as easy as possible

oh and i have to gloat, because i never thought i would get this far, im still breastfeeding Olivia! so that is 1 year i have been breastfeeding, a huge achievement from someone who couldnt feed their first baby, im very proud of myself!

so this is me at the moment, happy, healthy and getting better, thank you all so much for your love and support and kind words, it means the world to me :)

xxx

some pics :)

its been a month

since i last posted, so much has happened, but then not much has happened.



the PND hasnt gone away, it hasnt got any better, but it hasnt got any worse, its frustrating that it is no better, but then a bit of a relief that it is no worse.



last week the drs thought it best that i went into hospital for a while, i agreed, Darryl agreed, so off to hospital we went, however on arrival it became apparent that really, it wasnt the best place for me, the people werent like me (mostly severelly mentally ill) and i just felt uncomfortable there, so i went home again, now the plan is to try some new drugs and go from there, i start the new drugs tomorrow (after a couple of days of having no pills to detox my system a wee bit) and hopefully they will help my mood lift.



My mother is up staying for this week and next, but is going home tomorrow for a few days, taking both Kaylee and Olivia with her, which will be nice for Darryl and I to have some childfree time, as much as we will miss them both, it will be a relief for a wee break, its been a nice break having mum here, she cooks, cleans, washes, its great not having to do anything!



anyway, thats all from me for now, i hope to be back soon with some better news :)



much love



xxx

processing thoughts

lately there hasnt really been much going on to be honest, ive still had respite every day, tomorrow will be my first day without it.

Tomorrow im going to a PostNatal support group, im pretty nervous about going, but im hoping it will be beneficial for me (and my family of course) im going in a bit blind not knowing really what its all about, but im hoping that it will help me overcome all of this. Cant hurt to try right?

ive had heaps of time to think lately, which has been good, ive put on weight again with all this thats going on, and im dissapointed in myself for that, however one of the side effects of the medication im on is weight gain, so ive accepted the gain and just have to look at why im putting on weight and do something about it. i very rarely get out of the house anymore, so ive been putting the exercise bike to good use, and i have lost a couple of kilos in the last couple of weeks, so that is something i guess, i just need to keep it up :)

hopefully i will be back soon with a more interesting post for you to read!!

update

Today was a very sad day for us, Darryls Nana passed away a couple of weeks ago and it was her funeral today, it brought the family together, and sometimes its a sad thing that it takes someone passing to bring the family all together again. RIP dear Nana you will be terribly missed xxx

there has been a lot going on still in our lives, the children are getting older and more independant, Kaylee is talking a lot more and understanding more than what we think she does, but at the same time is a lot more demanding, which is hard. Olivia is crawling, and is nearly 10 months old, scary to think that the month after next she turns 1.

im still not myself, there has been a lot of fiddling with medications and they are still not right, its frustrating for me that it has been this long and im still not right, kind of scary too, i guess i didnt realise how sick i actually am and have been. i constantly feel sluggish and slow and am still scared to drive, because if this is how i feel at home, how would it be on the road. but i am getting there

i have been talking to Darryl about going back to work, i miss the corporate world, i miss my work friends and i miss doing things that dont revolve around children. but we have made the choice to have children, so they do need to be our priority, and if i did go back to work i would need to find a job that covers the cost of daycare, which is hideously priced, and with the work that i know how to do, im not sure if there is a job out there that suits me, i did want to work for our own business, but im unsure at the moment exactly what i want to do and when i want to do it, i just know that staying at home with the kids fulltime is no longer what i want or enjoy. im not sure if its the illness talking, or if its just a fact of life and i just need to trundle on through.

im still taking 1 day at a time, 1 step at a time, i know that eventually i will get better, but its frustrating at how long its taking, Darryl says that he sees glimpses of the real me now and again, oh how i wish for that full time, i just wish i was ME and i wish i had the energy to do the things i used to do.

so anyway, i havent moved forward, but i havent moved backwards, so that is something i guess, one day i will be back, and im sure everyone will know the time has come, i just wish it was sooner rather than later.

i will leave you with a quote i found when reading a forum of mine that i go to,

"dont regret something that once made you smile"

i like the quote, and i find it makes you think a little, never regret your past, its made you who you are today, you cant change what happened yesterday though, but you can have control over what tomorrow will be like

i just have to hold onto that.

much luv

xxxxx

where am i now?

yep its been a while since i last posted, and still little has changed unfortunatly.

those around me are seeing slight improvements, however i am not.

we had an appt today with 2 drs and a nurse, they wanted to see if i needed to be admitted into hospital, thank god i dont, because honestly they would of had to have taken me kicking and screaming, like hell im going to be admitted!

still having my up days, still having my down days, very little change, if in the next week there is still minimal change then my medication will be looked at again, at the moment im taking anywhere between 7 and 11 pills a day, just depends on my mood, but 7 is the minimum, thats a hell of a lot of medication!

just gotta keep on keeping on aye!

but on top of everything going on with me, Darryls parents have gone away on holiday overseas for the next few weeks, USA and Canada, sounds like they will have a blast, however the day before they flew out, Darryls Nana took a turn and had a fall, and she is now in hospital, and last night Darryls Granddad had a fall and ended up in hospital too, so really full on and heaps of stress on Darryl at the moment trying to work, look after the girls, look after me, look after his grandparents, full on!!

anyway, i will be trying to take every day step by step, its all i can do for now, but man, not being allowed to drive is taking its toll, im damn bored! so if youve got any ideas to keep me occupied (dont say scrapbooking Kate! i have minimal concentration!) id love to hear them! ive been sewing up a storm, making gorgeous ribbon comfort blankies for babies, and selling a few on trademe even! (stretch55 is my username, have a peek!)

take care, ka kite

Carla
xxx

another update

First of all, what you will read below may shock you, but you know me by now, i tell it as it is, i dont mince my words, and i believe in by me being honest, you all will learn and appreciate more how Mental Illness affects people.

SO where have i been since i last updated

A fukken mess quite honestly.

what scares me most is the fact i thought i had hit rock bottom. but no, i was far from it.

i have been getting less and less sleep, most nights surviving on 2-3 hours, so i started on some sleepy pills, unfortunatly, they werent the best type for me. i had a bit of a reaction to them (in my head) so instead of having a calming affect, they had the complete opposite effect. i went crazy. i started to beat myself up, punching myself in the head, banging my head on the floor, bedhead, wall, Darryls knees and elbows (while he was trying to restrain me) quite honestly i completely and utterly lost the plot. it wasnt me, but it was me. and that petrifys me.

I was aware of what i was doing, i remember parts (not all) of it, Darryl got his sister to come over to help and she called an ambulance. i remember the Ambulance officer dude sitting on the floor beside me (i was lying on the ground, Darryl was ontop of me holding me down) asking if i wanted to go with them, i was like WTF of course i dont! then i bashed my head on the floor, the ambo guy got a bit strict with me then, i was either going with them, or i was getting a police escort because they would call them out. i couldnt understand why because i hadnt done anything illegal, but i co-operated with them. i didnt want the police over! bad enough having an ambulance parked in my driveway!!!

So off to the hospital i went, i cant remember much at all of it, just remember coming home again, darryls mum picked us up (Darryls sister and mum were at the hospital for a bit) and Olivia was in the back seat, and i was so relieved to see her.

Kaylee has been at mums for the last week, which has been great, she came home yesterday, so i need to learn how to be a mum to a toddler again, hard work.

anyway, im on so much medication its not funny, im on Anti-depressents, anti-psycotics (to calm me before bed) and sleeping pills, and im STILL not getting any sleep, last night was amazing at 7 hours, its the first time in a long time i have had that much, the night before was 2 hours and the night before that was 3 hours.

im in close contact with a Mental health team, they ring me or visit me daily, keep a very close eye on my medication, and ive also had respite nurses here on a 24 hour basis, they have also been amazing, my angels i call them, they do an awesome job. we are down to a respite nurse coming every night (to deal with Olivia) its been an amazing help.

its been hard, damn hard, i have had thoughts i never knew i could have, i have been through so many emotions its not funny, and i have put my family and friends through more than they should EVER have to go through. i hate it.

but i just have to keep on going aye.

xxx

an update

Firstly, much love and big thank yous for my texts, emails, comments, they all mean a lot, and definitely are helping me get through this mess.

Recently i went severely downhill, i have never in my life felt so low and so bad and so scared, if i thought i was bad before, wow, i didnt have a clue what was to come.

My Dr changed my medication, and ive had the dosage increased twice now, (increased for the 2nd time yesterday) as there has been very minimal improvement at all. the hardest part for me has been losing complete control, ive hated every minute of it. (and yes, as much as i tell myself and others tell me not too, im still hiding it a lot)

So my Dr referred me to Maternal Mental Health, and i had an appt today with a Mental Health Dr and another lady (i think a social worker, not too sure) both very nice, I was referred to them first for assessment, then they decide what to do from here, they say I have severe depression, and a lot of it has stemmed from my childhood, not just postnatal, and so they have upped my medication again, I also have severe panic attacks and they offered me lithium or Valium (I think - cant remember) and sleeping pills, but I refused because im scared of what they will do to Olivia (still BFing) and they said I have anxiety and phobia issues (they had big names for everything) and they are going to work out what is the best therapy for me to have and go from there.

Scary stuff… I was petrified of going to the appt (Darryl did come with me), but im glad i did, im still very scared, petrified infact, especially of the unknown, i dont know yet what is to come, but i do know that it will be positive, and it will help me get better.

Ive had amazing support from my husband, my mother, my SIL & BIL, and several of my very close friends (you know who you are and i love you dearly), all of whom i love from the bottom of my heart and appreciate everything they have done for me, im truelly blessed.

Unfortunatly ive had a few people who i thought were close friends, freeze me out completely, no texts, no emails, no ph calls, no visits, and that has been hard, i want to scream, IM STILL ME! but im sure they will come around in their own time, its hard for many people to deal with, and many people have no idea how to deal with it, so ignore the situation completely.

I had a phone call today from someone at Waitakere Hospital, checking up on me, making sure i was ok, apparently they have made me an emergancy appt tomorrow where a dr either comes to me at my house, or i go to them, not too sure when yet, but they will let me know. So there are several departments and my own Dr, all working together, im very lucky to have this, but it is incredibly daunting and scary for me, apart from my dr, i dont know these people, and i have to open up to them, and that is very hard for me to do even to my close friends, let alone a stranger.

Its a dark dark scary place to be, and it terrifies me every damn day. But the light is now starting to appear. i just have to allow it to reach me. xxx

I did it :)

It should be on my 101 list, but its not, its something i have ALWAYS wanted to do, and yesterday was the day!

i got my Tattoo, HUGE step for me, huge milestone, a little sad though now, because i have been looking foward to it for so long, and its now over and done with, Darryl said to just remember i have a lasting reminder about the excitement, but i do crave that excitement again, i dont have anything else at the moment to look foward to, so im just going to have to find something :)

what does it mean? the 3 points of the knot, symbolise (to me) my 3 babies, 1 in heaven, and 2 on earth (hence the point upwards and 2 points downwards) the circle that entwines them is the circle of everlasting love, so basically its my everlasting love for my children.

its on my lower (inside) left leg, just above my ankle.

i absolutley LOVE it and i am SO SO SO rapt that i got it.

and yep it hurt, but nothing i couldnt handle. mine took a fraction of the time that my BILs took (he came with me and got one done too, his is a funky sun with YinYang in it, very cool) but yeah, im rapt with it, and so glad i have it. now i want another one :)

How am I doing? im not going to lie and say great, because im not, im pretty shit actually, my Dr has changed my medication because the other stuff wasnt doing anything, and i have to wait a couple of weeks to see if the new meds kick in ok, if they dont then my dose gets increased and i get referred to an organisation for outside help. Its not fun being where i am at the moment, and its so hard for me KNOWING that i want to just snap out of it, KNOWING that all these thoughts i cannot control, as much as im trying and as much as im fighting it i have NO control and its very very hard to lose that, and its very very hard to explain to someone who hasnt been there because a lot of people think that you can just snap out of it, i wish it was that easy.

I now have anxiety ontop of the depression, i freak out at every little thing, im scared all of the time and i find it hard to even do the most basic of tasks, everything just seems very very daunting, and even though i know that this is how i feel, i just cannot do anything to stop it, i dont know how.

so i am still one day at a time, im starting to let my friends help me, and im starting to ask for help, because i think i need to, i find it very hard to be alone, thats when i freak out the most, so if i have my close friends (or family) near me, i tend to be ok. i just want to be normal again.

Life goes on :)

Right, where have i been? what have i been up to??

not much really! haha

I had a lovely Mothers day, got a nice bunch of flowers and then proceeded to get thoroughly pissed on Sunday night. ate heaps of yummy things like cheeses and hummis and dips and pita breads, was great! Just had a nice relaxing day really. heaps of fun!

Then my kids got sick, Kaylee didnt go to kindy at all last week (back today thank god!) she had a terrible cold and at one stage couldnt talk because her throat hurt. didnt take her long to bounce back thank god! So it was a bit of a hard week, Olivia still playing up at night and Kaylee so full on because she was sick during the day, i was pretty damn tired!!

Friday morning i had Olivia allergy tested, unfortunatly at this age (under the age of 1) they dont test any airbourne allergins, so she only got tested for food allergys, which she has none, so im quite happy about that!

Saturday morning Darryl had the day off work (rare occurance) and we all met up with SIL & BIL and kids up at Darryls parents place and had morning tea there for Darryls Nanas birthday, great for the kids to have a run around and for the adults to sit and blob knowing the kids cant go anywhere!!!

Sunday morning i went out with my BIL to go Tattoo Parlour shopping (aka checking out places to see what they are like so we can book our tats to be done) and guitar shopping, turned out to be one hell of a flop of a morning really lol NOTHING was open! places that have ALWAYS been open on a Sunday werent open at all, so we have to wait until Darryl has another Saturday off so we can go out on a Saturday to get it all sorted (so he can watch the kids, im so NOT taking any children to a Tattoo place!!!) i was hoping to get my tattoo by now, but ive promised BIL that i will wait for him, he has to perfect his design first. i cant wait though!! then i can work on my next design! haha

Other than that, im just cruising, taking each day as it comes, up to day 14 now of my medication, hopefully very soon it will start to kick in, i definitely have my up and down moments and i definitely need to slow down

working on it!

Hi, my name is Carla, and I suffer from Depression...

Ive been trying to work out a way, over the past few days, to word this post, I have written and rewritten it in my head, and still it just doesnt sound right, and it probably wont, because realistically im the only one that knows what on earth im on about!!

You may notice (when i do post... haha) how my posts are so up and down all the time, i do try not to be too blah, but sometimes when i read back to what i have written, well its just a bit negative isnt it. I will try to change that, promise :)

I try so damn hard to be the perfect mother and wife and friend, that i forget about myself, i put everyone else first, and then i realise that im never #1, so who else can help me, but me?

I tried to do everything right this time, i tried to relax and just go with it, but yet still the depression hits, im slowly starting to realise that unfortunatly its something that i just cannot control, its something that i do need help with and as much as i say i try to look after myself, i get put to last place, all the time, i need to become #1 sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes. im always the one who holds other people together, who helps everyone, its just what i do, i try hard to make everyone else happy.

A few people have emailed me to check up on me :) you know who you are, thank you, means a lot.

I am now taking Fluoxetine, which is an anti-depressant, when it starts working (usually takes a few weeks to start kicking in) its going to help me cope with day to day living, its going to help me think straight, and its going to help me see a way out of the hole im in at the moment.

Depression is a hole, if youve never suffered then its very hard to explain, but its like you get deeper and deeper into this hole, you cant see the sunlight anymore and then the weight starts bearing down on your shoulders and you cant see a way out of it, your not strong enough to get rid of the weight on your shoulders to climb out of the hole, its a dark place to be, its not nice.

I hide from the world, its what i do, at the moment i have 3 "safe zones" my place, Darryls parents place and my SIL & BILs place, i feel safe in these houses, and im tending to stick to staying around these areas. eventually i will move out into the world a bit more, but right now, i need my safety.

So many things contribute to the depression, lack of sleep, children, babies, stress, husbands (hehe), life in general, but i think that even if my life was perfect, i would probably still suffer, there is just something in me and i need to learn to accept that, treat it and move on with it.

its an illness, not a disability.

SO its time for me to look foward.

what do i have to look foward to?

-The rest of my life...

-My babies growing up

-becoming a professional musician (haha)

-getting my tattoo, then getting the next one after it! haha

-being happy....

i can do this, i can beat this, i am stronger than this.

peace

gotta love a bargain!

Hope you've all had a lovely weekend!!

we really havent done too much, but i kinda feel like ive relaxed a little - alll good! Darryl worked Saturday while i stayed home and completely blobbed with the kids, i mean BLOBBED, Kaylee didnt even get out of her PJs! we watched dvds and read heapppps of books and just really spent quality time with my girls, it was great! then last night i went out babysitting for my SIL & BIL while they went out for dinner, it was SO nice to have the TV all to myself for once! i got to finish a book i have been reading for yonks, read a magazine and watch a movie! bliss!

Darryl took Kaylee with him to run errands today, so Olivia and I went shopping, i got a top that i have had my eyes on for a while, feels nice to splurge on myself once in a while! and then i went to the Warehouse, ohhhh the house of bargains! isnt it just the coolest place!! i got 3 funky tops for a whopping $25!! (thats right man, for all 3!) and i splurged on some new underware too, i love treating myself and dont seem to do it as often as i should!

im not sure what this week has in store for me yet, im just going to run with it a bit, apart from Kindy i have nothing else on (i think... remind me if i do!)

anyway off to my guitar lesson i go, and yep im still doing them, and yep im still absolutely loving it!

Learning curves and emotions

I find it amazing sometimes how you can know someone for so long, but then never really know them until they open up completely to you and you open up completely to them, you learn so much. its very refreshing. very real. opens up a whole new world that you never really knew about really!

this last week has been good really, Kaylee back at Kindy, Olivias sleeping is getting better, Kaylees speech is just coming along beautifully and everything just seems to be going how it should be for once, its nice!

We tend to still remind Kaylee to go to the toilet often, its more our habit, she is very good at remembering, on Wednesday we noticed she hadnt been for a while, so Darryl took her to the loo, she sat on, look up at Darryl, shrugged her shoulders and said "but Daddy, i got no weewees in me!" it was so cute, and just the way she did it, cracked us up - had to share :) shes getting more easier to understand every day, and it makes communication with her fantastic!

Olivia is 6 mths old today, can you believe it! 6mths has just flown by, but it is like she has been with us forever, shes just infectious, she is so beautiful, very cool that she is mine :)

I have chosen my Tattoo, and am very ready to get it now, i absolutly love it and the meaning behind it and the meaning i want for it, its special. But i wont be getting it done for a few weeks yet, im going with my BIL as he wants one too, so we decided to go together and support each other through the pain! lol so im just waiting on him to make up his mind on where he wants to go and check out and perfect his design.

as soon as its done though i will let you know!!!

ive already decided what my next one will be, lol.... i heard they are a bit addictive!