Carlas Blog

new blog

2008-08-18T14:38:00.000+12:00

im now here: http://carlascrafty.blogspot.com/

update

2008-07-06T17:11:00.001+12:00

is this what 'normal' feels like???

im on day 7 of being gluten free, my suppliments are kicking in and my medication is settling down, i feel great! i have energy, i have motivation, nothing is 'too hard' and im coping SO much better than i have for a long time.

DH is loving coming home to have a happy smiling wife greet him, the kids are happier and im just breezing through life, its great! ive noticed over the few days that i have been GF that im not tired during the day, usually i get to 1 or 2 oclock and im exhausted and need to rest, but no more mid afternoon slump for me, long may it last!

Kaylees birthday party was Saturday, and i loved it! i enjoyed having my friends over and i loved the relaxed atmosphere of it all, Kaylee had a great time, so it was fantastic!

and more ramblings

2008-06-23T11:54:00.001+12:00

the guilt is really getting to me today, i put Olivia down for an early sleep and crawled back into bed myself, i feel so much 'safer' in bed, even though im alone with my thoughts, i feel warm and comforted, like DH is still there.

Today i miss him, i miss him a lot and its times like these where i wish that he was home with me, just so i can have hugs and kisses whenever i need them, its just not an option though, he has no choice but to work

im not sending Kaylee to kindy today, its wet, and cold and its the perfect weather for the way im feeling, but i just cant face the 'real world' not today, i feel so guilty because of it, but i dont think i can walk out my front gate i really dont

Mum rang before and shes offered to have me go down there and stay, but again im leaving the safety of my own home and going 4 hours away to stay just scares me a little, but i will talk to DH about that tonight

i woke up this morning feeling ok, but trying to do the easy day to day stuff just completely overwhelmed me, it feels so hard, but then i ask myself 'what is hard about that?' and i cannot answer

even more ramblings...

2008-06-23T11:51:00.001+12:00

excuse me while i ramble a bit......

wow all your support amazes me, it humbles me and im blown away by the kindness of others i just feel like i dont deserve it, or shouldnt accept it, you all have SO much going on, so much more than i can even imagine, some of you have experienced things recently that noone should ever have to go through, and yet you still want to help others, im really embarressed by my other posts, it all feels a bit 'poor me' and please believe that im not like that at all, i like to hide, i like to escape into my own little mind and keep to myself, but it does help to write it all out sometimes.

i know that im sick, and im so sick of being sick, hence going to the holistic centre, i need to be well again, for myself, my kids, my husband, my friends, im just so worried that very soon everyone is going to tire of me and im going to lose everything, even the thought of that devestates me.

Darryl spoke on the ph to the oncall crisis dr last night, and he really let him know exactly how he was feeling, how sick of it all he is, how every time i start being normal again they cut my drugs, and i go downhill really fast again, and then they just take a 'wait and see' approach, we are sick of waiting, just to find out that they will increase the drugs again, we are sick of being left to our own devices and struggling every day, Darryls sick of going to work, only to have me call him crying to come home, we are self employed, we cant afford for him to come home all the time, im sick of not coping, but im still waiting for the little lightswitch to turn on in my brain making everything normal again.

ive started to explain how im feeling by saying that im in a deep dark hole and the rope that they have thrown me is just too short, this is how i feel

more ramblings...

2008-06-23T11:49:00.001+12:00

you know sometimes it just feels like im all alone with my illness, even though the rational side of me tells me no, i have all my friends and family, the support on here and other support networks.

but noone can get into my head, noone knows what really is going on unless i tell them, but i find it so hard sometimes to put it in words, how overwhelming the depression is, how overwhelming the sense of uselessness is, how overwhelming the irritability is and the sense of being alone.

i dontknow why its so hard, it just is and every day when i wake up in the morning i wish for a good day, and when it turns to custard i cant handle it, but i cant withdraw like i would so dearly love to, i have 2 kids to look after, but then im not really looking after them am i? the tv is always on, food comes from packets, some days they dont even get dressed, they just stay in their pjs all day. its not because i cant be bothered, its because i dont know how, i dont know where to start and i get so overwhelmed that it just seems like such a giant mountain and im too unfit to climb it

my husband has started saying to me "CHOOSE to be happy hun" and "only YOU control your mind" he just doesnt understand that ive completely lost control, i have no control over day to day things, i have no control over my mind, and i just dont know how to get that control back ive been reading a lot, about depression, about changing your thoughts and ive been trying, really i have, but i need outside help, i dont know what im doing, and it feels like im doing it all wrong because its not helping my house is a dump, i cry and cry over how horrible my house is, i just dont know where to start and every time i put a dent in the mess, the next day im back to square 1, its something people always comment on, but noone helps with

i so desperatly want to be like some of you gals, beautiful healthy home, healthy kids, healthy self, tidy house, housework routine, baking, cooking, cleaning, dishes i know what needs doing, i just find it so hard to do it

people tell me to take one step at a time, one day at a time, but what step do i take first? to what path? it just all seems so hard and i dont know what to do or where to start and i hate it, i hate this illness, i hate what its done to me, i hate what its done to my friends, my family, my life, i just so desperatly want it all to go away and it just wont.

Ramblings about Depression...

2008-06-23T11:46:00.001+12:00

well, i wish they would give me my drugs back....

ive spent the last couple of weeks in a daze, thank god i have an amazing family who have been helping me out (especially Rochelle, give the woman a medal!) im extremelly low, im not coping and im highly irritable. its really not fun.

i had my drs appt today, with a new dr, my appts just seem like a big waste of time, i met a new dr today, but it turns out hes not MY new dr and i wont get to meet the new dr for another couple of weeks, i told them im not coping, that the depression is still strong and that Kaylee has been with Rochelle, Darryl or his parents over the last few days because im not coping, and they basically said 'oh well between you and your friends and family you will have to deal with it, we wont change your meds and will call you next week for followup' its just getting ridiculous now, i mean what are they there for?? because they obviously arent there to help me become well

then my key worker rang me to give me a new appt time with the new dr and i told her that i thought the appt was a waste of my time and what are they going to do to practically help me because again i stressed that i am NOT coping, and she basically told me to give it time, it will come right.... she asked what practical things i had done in the past to come right, and i told her that ive only ever been given drugs, or respite, and its all i know, i mean its been over a year now, i think its obvious that its NOT coming right! its just all SO frustrating.

A positive though is that i went to an appointment the other day at the holistic Medical centre in Pt Chev, they want to find out what is causing the problems, rather than be a sticky plaster for the problems (or the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff) they want to get underneith everything and find out exactly what the cause is and then fix the cause, not the symptoms, FINALLY i have someone listening to me! so i came home with all kinds of vitamins and minerals and i went and had bloods done today, so will go back in a couple of weeks for another appt to go over those, so thats something positive which is nice. i just want to be normal, bubbly, funny, outgoing ME again, and when i finally felt like me again they took my drugs off me telling me i shouldnt be feeling so elevated, but mannn elevated is NICE!

just cruisin :)

2008-06-14T16:58:00.002+12:00

The drs decided i was doing a little toooo well, so they decided to cut my meds in half, bad idea! such a big drop and i started to really go downhill a bit so they upped them by half again, so im on 3/4 of what i was on before, seems to be going alright! for now!

i have an appointment next week at a Holistic Health Centre which im looking forward to, im going to get them to test me for intolerances, for mineral and vitamin deficiancies and have a chat with them about how they can help me manage the illness working alongside my usual drs with my usual meds.

i got another tattoo :) this one is only little, and its on the inside of my right arm, it symbolises my starsign and eventually i will get my childrens starsigns done around it.

i got my tongue peirced, again! ive had it done 3 times now, so i will endevour to keep this one in a little longer than the last ones!

Kaylee has started in swimming lessons, she absolutley loves them, in only 4 lessons she is going under the water, doggy paddling, floating on her back, jumping in off the side of the pool, its done absolutely amazing things for her confidence and im so rapt that shes doing so well and that she loves it as much as she does!

Olivia is 20mths now, where does that time go? shes so full of confidence and her comprehension is amazing, she understands so much more than we give her credit for and she is so funny to be around, she just cracks us up every day!

not much else to report really, ive just been a realllllly slack blogger lol i might get better at it one day!

where does the time go!!!??

2008-05-17T11:08:00.004+12:00

its been ages since i last posted, with SO much going on!!!

i ended up back in hospital (via emergancy ambulance) on Good Friday, after i lost the plot yet again, but with an increase of medication it seems that everything is stable again and im enjoying life and my kids, which is great

weight is STILL a huge issue for me, i just cannot shed it, and it does really get me down, but i try hard, i guess thats the main thing, a lot of people cant see past my weight though and i still find myself reminding them that i am still ME, between my weight and the BiPolar, they think im a different person, but im not, i havent changed, im still fun, and outgoing and ME!

but then i think, well if they cant see behind my labels to see who i really am, then are they really worth my friendship anyway? i think not!

ive been loving this summer weather, lots of BBQs, lots of wine, lots of laughs, its great!

The kids are brilliant, Kaylee adores her Kindy, and the hours on a Wednesday and Friday have extended which means that i have a little more time with Olivia too

Olivia started walking at 18mths, and you would never think she was a late walker, she just stood up one day and walked and has walked everywhere ever since, so cute!

well i started my business, still havent done the website, dont know if i actually want to, as i sell everything on trademe and have private orders come through all the time, and im actually enjoying doing it this way, keeping it little, it has the potential to be huge, but i really dont have the time for that, my kids come first, although it is nice to be in demand! havent done any sewing for yonks though, really need to get back into it! Busy knitting a scarf for Mum at the moment (IIII know, Carla knitting..... lol who would of thought!!!)

My Mothers Day rocked! i had an awesome day, started with a sleep in and breaky and hot chocolate in bed, got some nice new slippers (which my kids have since hidden somewhere!) and a lovely card, then we went up to Darryls parents for morning tea, met Darryls sister, BIL and kids up there and had nice family time, then when we got home again i went and got another Tattoo! i LOVE it! it means Love, Life and Loyalty

and i think thats all from me for now, just busy being a Mama really, love it!!

xxx

Hello hello!!

2008-02-28T16:37:00.003+13:00

wow what a busy time ive had, where do i start!!

we still have our christmas tree up, slack aye, lol every time i look at it i think 'i really should take this down', Darryl reckons leave it up till next christmas!

I have started my own business, mostly selling cloth nappies that i have made and designed by myself, my aim is to keep cloth nappying affordable, as it can get up to $40 for one nappy, then you need to add postage costs on top of that, wayyyy too expensive if you ask me! so my nappies will all be under $20 (inserts $5 extra) patterned, plain, unique (some of them), im busy writing my website at the moment, and will let you know when it goes live so that you can have a look.

you can find my creations under username 'tahi_nappies' on trade me until my website is up and running

other than that ive just been busy doing kid stuff, Kaylees at kindy 3 mornings a week now which is great and she just loves it, Olivia is still not walking, she took her first step last week and hasnt done anything since lol, shes just taking her time, whats the bet that she will do it next week down at mums house!

I now have a diagnoses for my illness, they (the Drs) have diagnosed me with Bipolar2, there is some good information about it here if your interested. its good having a diagnoses as it means that there is something for all of us to work on and understand a bit more etc. its all good!

other than that, not up to much, doing heaps of sewing, heaps of website work and heaps of other stuff, but im loving it really, keeping really busy, there is always something for me to do!

oh and a little note about weightloss, im really not doing very well at all, im trying hard, and thats all i can do, but the numbers are starting to creep up again, i need to find the time to get out walking again, i will get there i just need to prioritise!

much love
xxx

weigh in time!

2008-02-03T11:37:00.000+13:00

quick post, i will post properly later on, just letting you know i lost another 400g this week, im stoked, considering the boozy week i had, i was expecting a gain

onwards and upwards aye!! :)

xxx

Mandys boozy night - in pictures

2008-01-27T08:05:00.001+13:00

we had a few friends over last night, all the boys did car shit while us girls sat around drinking, was great fun! im sure i said a few things to my neighbour, but i still cant remember what, hope it wasnt too embarressing!

but boyyyyy what a hangover today! the price to pay!! (and there is no way im going to add up last nights points lol i will just pay the price with a gain this week)

Heres my friend Mandys night - in pictures haha, as you can see she had great fun!!!!

weigh in time!

2008-01-25T11:06:00.000+13:00

thanks for your comments on my nappies :) no i dont make those ones to sell as the pattern i use is a not for profit pattern, but i do have my own pattern that i make nappies out of that i can sell, just let me know what your after and how many and i will get busy :) hehe

i lost 600g at last nights weigh in, not as much as i had hoped for, but still a loss is a loss and i will take any loss that i can get!

just waiting for a friend to arrive, so only a short post today, but things are going all good, heres a couple of pics of Kaylee and Olivia :)

Nappies

2008-01-21T21:45:00.000+13:00

ive been sewing up a storm lately, i was really lucky and for my birthday i got a snap press, so now i can put snaps on my nappies instead of using velcroe, GENIUS!

my favourite nappy has to be the chocolate pink bubbles minkee nappy, it is soooo soft and just devine, i cant wait to try it on Olivia when she wakes in the morning

honesty

2008-01-18T12:31:00.000+13:00

I have to be honest about last nights weigh in, i was gutted, i KNOW its silly to feel this way, but i was expecting at least 2kg. so i was fuming, BUT i did do everything right, i ate well, i drank heaps and i exersized.

i thought long and hard about putting this on my blog, but as my blog is about my thoughts and feelings i thought i would be lying to myself if i didnt say how i felt.

The more i think about it, the more i am pleased with myself for my loss, it IS a great loss, i know that, i guess i talked myself into losing more, which is unrealistic.

when i got home from WW last night i felt like reaching for a chocolate bar, then i thought no, i will go for a walk instead, and thats what i did, i went for a brisk walk, took out my frustrations on the pavement and felt better for it, i treated myself to a Jarrah hot Chocolate when i got home (1.5 points with a bit of skim milk)

so all my thoughts and feelings have changed, i AM proud of my loss, it IS a good loss and i WILL continue to lose weight because i WILL continue walking, drinking water and eating right.

it just feels right

results....

2008-01-17T21:24:00.001+13:00

i lost 1.7kg

bring on next week!

its weigh in day tonight!!

2008-01-17T09:44:00.000+13:00

and im actually quite excited to see what i have lost, i KNOW that i have lost weight, i can feel it, i have been out walking every night and drinking a tonne of water, its all gotta be good for me right?

so i will be back on here later tonight after my weigh in to share my results, how exciting!!!

my computer shat itself yesterday, so i have lost all my email contacts, all my favourites, everything, so please send me an email if your someone who i email so i can save your address again! and please leave me a comment so i can go back to browsing other blogs, i have a few of my faves (but not all) saved on here but i havent updated it for a long time, so im missing some, leave me a comment and i will come visit you!!

my aim for this week is to be more supportive to you guys, you have all been so supportive for me and i just havent had the time to leave comments, so thats my goal, to find your blogs again and to leave you a comment!!!

i will be back tonight with my weigh in results, wish me luck!!!

Tuesday :)

2008-01-15T18:17:00.000+13:00

Another good day to chalk up here, eating good, drinking heaps, im trying to eat some of my usual healthy foods, such as for breakfast i always have sultana bran and banana, so i have kept that up, it just means that im not doing such a drastic change and therefor im not finding it hard at all, i usually eat good meals, and its the snacks and after dinner treats that i have stopped, and the increased exersize that i have started, so hopefully it all works and then i will be happy!

the last 2 evenings have been lovely, we have been going to the beach and it is just devine there! the kids have really enjoyed playing in the water and sand, making sand castles and frollicking around outside, and the time of day that we go means that its not hot at all and we can all have a great time, today i decided to go for a walk along the beach and walked the length of it there and back, it felt good.

i havent decided what im going to have for dinner tonight, probably a chicken stirfry or similar, maybe bbq steak and salad.... hmmm decisions!!!

doing good :)

2008-01-14T21:07:00.000+13:00

im pissing like a racehorse though!! the amount of water im going through is amazing, but its got to be good for me, im struggling to eat all my points, because im still breastfeeding it adds heaps of points and im struggling to eat them all, but hopefully i will show a good loss on Thursday! we made yummy crunchy chicken soft tortillas tonight, delish, i guessed the points because they arent in the book yet (they are a new thing) but hopefully they work out ok

ive been doing heaps of walking, Friday night, Sunday night, again tonight, and im going out again tomorrow night, my aim is to walk at least 5 nights a week, so heres hoping i will achieve my goal.

My friend Mandy has a blog too, shes on the weightloss train as well, so pop in and say hi to her and have a read of her struggles and achievements, shes an amazing woman and im proud to say she is such a good friend http://bigredmandz.blogspot.com/ is her website.

#23 Done!

2008-01-12T13:14:00.000+13:00

it was my birthday on the 10th, so im now a very young 26! and every year for my birthday i get a crayfish for my present (spoilt aye!) so the other night me and my darling friend Mandy sat outside (ok we didnt have the music) and drank wine and ate crayfish, ohhh it was bliss! totally enjoyed it and cant wait till next year so i can do it again!!!

also on the 10th i went back to weight watchers, im joining with my SIL as we both need to lose a few pounds (ok on my part, more than a few!) i chose weight watchers for a few reasons, but mostly because i need the discipline of it, i need to really watch and moniter what i eat, because lately i have been eating like crap, treating food as comfort and treats rather than for fuel to keep me going, the depression, weight gain, tiredness are all contributing to a very unhealthy me, so its back to basics and hopefully i can stick to it for a lot longer than in the past.

so wish me luck!!

tonight is my birthday party, im SO looking foward to it, some good friends, lotsa laughs, drinks, food, i was initially a bit worried to start WW before my party, because of the extra calories i will consume tonight, however i thought that i cant put my life on hold at the same time as losing weight i have to enjoy myself, i just have to treat everything in moderation, make wise choices and (try) not to get too drunk :)

anyway thats me for now, i will be back at least weekly to share my losses and gains, hopefully more losses than gains at this point and time!!

xxx

Kaylees first Haircut

2008-01-07T15:44:00.000+13:00

shes had her fringe trimmed before, but never a proper haircut, we think she looks so grown up, i just had to share!

Before:

and After:

Happy New Year!

2008-01-04T22:04:00.000+13:00

Things are all good here, still trucking along, drinking too much and enjoying the holiday season :)

Heres some pics taken recently, enjoy!

sick

2007-12-22T10:22:00.000+13:00

hi everyone :)

things have been really blah here for the past week, ive been pretty sick, vomiting and nausia and really bad sinus congestion, not fun! im still being careful about what i eat, but living on Fruju iceblocks, they seem to be one of the only things i can keep down!

can you believe that there is only 3 more sleeps until Christmas! yay! we have kept things really cheap this year because financials arent what they should be, but im sure the girls will have a wonderful day regardless of what little we have got them.

my Mum, her partner and my youngest sister are coming up today, just staying one night, but it will be great to see them, we wont be seeing them on Christmas day, as mum is working, so it will be great to catch up with them before Christmas. and the girls will love having them here too.

anyway this is probably my last post before Christmas, so i wish you and all your familys a very Merry, safe and Happy Christmas, may Santa treat you good!!

much love

xxx

ha haaaaaa!!!

2007-12-13T20:50:00.000+13:00

i CAN do it!

today has been a great day, Sultana bran for breakfast, fruit salad for lunch, and meat and vege for dinner with strawberries (dont you love the fruit at this time of the year!) for dessert, ANDDD i did 40 minutes on my bike, im so stoked with myself and really it didnt take much, i have no sweets in the house which helps, im still sooo weak when it comes to the sweets!

so hopefully tomorrow i will be back with another great day post!!

the last day of Kaylees kindy (for her) is Monday, ohhh dear, i better get creative with some things to do with her, i (lately) have been relying on Kindy a lot for all her messy play, and i know she is going to get so bored not going there, so i need to start thinking of some things for her to do!

its so wonderfully quiet here, Darryl is at work, the girls are asleep, and im blobbing on the computer, bliss!

So, how am i doing?

2007-12-12T20:52:00.000+13:00

I havent been blogging every day like i said i would, i will get there i promise!!

I am trying really hard though, especially with the no sugar thing, its hard, even harder when Darryl comes home with chocolate.... but we will get there!

Ive started using my exersize bike again, aiming for at least half an hour every day, in 10 minute lots to make it more bearable, and increasing as i get fitter.

i was TRYING to be nice and healthy tonight with dinner too, we ordered Hell Pizza, and i thought no, i wont have pizza, i will have a yummy salad (they do great salads!) so i ordered that, but when it arrived there was a big hori fly in my salad! ew! so i didnt get to eat that, talk about nausiating!!

so im still taking it day by day, small steps, but every day i come a little bit further, which is good of course!

im going to aim to lose 20kgs, i desperatly want another tattoo, and i said to Darryl tonight, i can get it when, and only when, i lose that 20kgs, and because i want the tat so much i hope that its enough incentive to lose the weight and keep it off.

Enough is enough!

2007-12-05T11:22:00.000+13:00

im fat, i admit that, and i need to do something about it, no more procrastinating, no more bullshit, no more crap food! sure i enjoy it while im eating it, but my skin is suffering, my weight is suffering, i constantly feel bloated and im VERY self consious. so ive had enough and im going to do something about it.

i was going to wait until after Christmas, but then what will happen after Christmas, i will tell myself to wait until after my birthday, then after summer, then oh its winter, time to blob again.

i think not!

so heres what im going to do:

NO more sugar
NO more cakes, donuts, lollies, chocolate, icecreams
NO more chips
NO more takeaways (or at least if i do get takeout, make it sushi or subway or a Hell salad)
GET MY BIG BUTT MOVING!!!

every damn day i have something sweet, and i cant just stop at 1, i have a whole packet of biscuits (between me and Darryl) or a whole bar of chocolate, its just got to stop! its not healthy!

i have such a bad attitude towards food, i use it as comfort, i use it as bribery, i use it as a best friend, but it shits on me because i put on weight, my skin is crap, and its the time of year where i show more skin and i look like Mr Blobby!

not cool!

so ive asked my dr for a "green Prescription" what is this you may ask? its a script for discounted Gym membership, hopefully i will be able to go back to Club Physical and move my big butt!

i have an exersize bike here that is just collecting dust, i need to start using it, we brought it for a reason, and now more than ever i need to use it.

so every day i will be posting on here (well i will try to every day!) what i have eaten, what exercise i have done and how i am feeling

ive started off well today, sultana bran for breakfast, and im going to be having Sushi for lunch (thanks Rochelle!) i just need to plan dinner, maybe a stirfry, or steak and salad, i will see what Darryl feels like when he gets home.

im going to do this, i need to do this, not for anyone else, but for myself, i dont have the excuse of being depressed, i dont have the excuse of the kids taking all my time, because they are in bed by 7 at the latest every night, and its still light enough for me to get out for a walk

i just need to get off my arse and do it

so i will :)

hello!

2007-12-03T13:09:00.000+13:00

been keeping pretty busy here which is nice, plodding along with the kids, getting out and about, (although forgetting to keep some appointments... sorry!) its nice to be well and normal again i tell you!

theres lots of things going on in the background that i cant tell you about just yet, but its all very exciting for me and our future, but watch this space, i will tell you all soon!

still doing lots of sewing and crafty work, i sent some things away as part of a Secret Santa swap, which was fun to do, and the recipient was rapt with it all, so that made me happy!

im thinking about taking up quilting too, ive seen some amazing work lately and its got me really inspired, maybe in the New Year i will look at taking it up and seeing what i can do, i dont know where i will find the time with everything else thats going on but i really want to give it a go!

Kaylee has her end of year Kindy Christmas party coming up on Friday, that should be fun, they have been practising lots of songs and it should be very cute seeing them up on stage! i need to take a savoury plate of some sort, so i need to get my thinking cap on to think of something healthy but tasty to take, any ideas? i was thinking of a vege and cracker platter with some hummus, but i will see if i get any better creative ideas!

Olivia is 13mths old now, still not walking yet, and showing no real signs of walking beginning any time soon, still not standing on her own but likes to walk around holding our hands, she will get there eventually im sure.

Christmas is coming! yay! we put our Christmas tree up on the weekend, i cant wait until we put all the presents under it and Kaylee and Olivia can see their gifts, im a bit lost about what to get Olivia, but because shes only little she really wont care what we get her, so we will keep hers small and Kaylee being a bit older will get a bit spoilt i think!

now im going to have a little vent, but again i cant really say much, i just need to get it out, ive been shit on recently by someone i thought i was very close to, obviously they dont care for me as much as i care for them and my feelings just dont matter, which does hurt, and infact it really pisses me off, promises were made and broken and it really just sux

but i guess you get that sometimes! i just need to move on and realise that not everyone has the same priorities in life that i do, and some people make promises but dont have any intention of keeping them. argh! nevermind

oh and ive decided to open up my blog a little, now members of my family and a few friends read this too :) *waves* i bet they will learn more about me than they ever thought they would lol

and im STILL addicted to sugar..... really not doing very well at this, my phsyciatrist weighed me at my last appointment, and i have gained 16kgs in the past 3 months, thats HUGE and soooo not nice, so i really need to kick myself up the butt and get moving again!

lots of exciting things

2007-11-21T11:13:00.000+13:00

happening here! i cant say much at the moment, but it involves a new business, and something i am passionate about.... watch this space!! and fingers crossed for me!!

im still doing really well which is awesome, ive definitely got a lot of my confidence back and life really is going my way, perfect in time for christmas!

speaking of christmas, i still havent done any christmas shopping, ok i lie, i have got a couple of things for Kaylee, i walked into the house the other day and the little monkey spied everything straight away, i need to find some hiding places i think!

i had an awesome day yesterday, i met up with an old school friend, someone i havent seen since i was about 14, so about 11 years, she now has 2 beautiful children and we met up at a childrens indoor playground so the kids could play and we could goss, it was so nice and we had heaps to talk about, i really enjoyed it, got to love Bebo and Facebook for reuniting old friends!

im off shortly to my PND support group, its still going every Wednesday and i find it quite helpful and thought provoking, so thats something i guess! its nice going into a room knowing everyone in there has been through what youve been through and understands and can relate to what your saying, has a bit of a calming effect, but i do come home buggered after all the thinking and talking!

im still not doing too well on the no sugar thing, i just cant give it up! but i am trying and every day i seem to be getting better, i just need to get out walking again and really shift these extra kilos, its hard because one of the meds i am on has the side effect of gaining weight, sure it helps my mind, but the weight things really pisses me off, i guess you will never find the perfect drug, but it does get frustrating!

Things i have been doing

2007-11-16T20:41:00.001+13:00

ive been sewing up a storm lately! making nappies, skirts for Kaylee and other things (shhh secret santa business!) so i thought i would share a few of the things i have been making :)

things are really good here, have had a busy week going shopping, and visiting and spending quality time with my kids, its been great!

today i met Kate, Amelia and Natalia at the shops for a coffee and a catchup, this will sound really bad but i havent been out before with Kaylee and Olivia (since Olivia was really little anyway) on my own so it was a big thing for me! but we did ok :) it was lovely to go out and about and now that i have done it, i can do it again!

I talked to an old friend today on the phone, had a good hour or so of catching up, she was one of my best friends from primary school and she gave me a call, it was great! gotta love Facebook & Bebo for keeping you in touch with people!

On Tuesday im meeting another old school friend of mine (havent seen her since about 4th form) at Chipmunks for a good catch up, we found each other through Bebo, so that will be cool, im looking foward to that. I absolutly love Bebo, its put me in touch with SO many people from School and college, its lovely to see what everyone is up to and have my old friends be part of my life again, loving it!

im not doing too well on the no sugar thing (says she with a bar of chocolate right now...) but i have increased my fruit and vege intake and my water intake, so i am feeling a bit healthier for it, i just need to get the sweets under control!

anyway here are a couple of cute pics i took of Olivia recently in her flash new nappies :)

have a great weekend!!

xxx

Sugar!

2007-11-07T15:46:00.000+13:00

im sitting here (eating a bag of pineapple lumps...) thinking about sugar, i honestly cant get enough of it lately, and feel its turned into another addiction, im pretty sure that its possible to become addicted to sugar, and im embarressed to say just how much of it i have had recently, way too much!

so i have set myself a little challenge, and that is to wean myself off sugar, im sure my body and mind will thank me for it, i just need to get tough with myself, no more after dinner sweets, no more lunch time treats, no more mid morning snacks, i will take it one day at a time, starting first thing tomorrow morning, have a decent healthy breakfast (i have been skipping breakfast lately, probably my main reason for snacking) and start the day on the right foot

reckon i can do it?? lets give it a go!!

Olivias birthday went well, it was lovely to catch up with friends and family, we had a great time and the kids were shattered (as was i!) by the end of it, but all in all it was a great day, Olivia was wonderfully spoilt and i went the next day and spent all the pumpkin patch vouchers that we got! great fun!

im finding more and more each day that its so easy to do things with my children (something i struggled with since becoming ill) and that little things arent getting to me as much as they used to, i can cook, clean, play, laugh, joke, talk, all like normal again, i tell ya its wonderful!

i had another hospital appt the other day and my dr said to me that she thought the day would never come that i would be well again, im one of the sickest that they have ever had to deal with, so its such a relief for everyone involved that im finally well again!

where does the time go??

2007-10-25T20:08:00.000+13:00

Wow, time sure does fly, my baby turns one on Saturday, can you believe it!!! i keep saying to Darryl that we just need to have another one to have a little teeny bub in the house again! not yet though, not until im off meds and the kids are a bit older, but im just amazed at how the past year has flown by.

i feel like i have to grieve a bit, i havent been the mother that i wanted to be, and i have (well i feel like i have) missed out a lot with Olivia, and Kaylee, but Olivias first year is the most important and for most of it i havent been myself, i will just have to have a wine to compensate :p

So we have a nice party planned for Olivia (well... more for me!) on Saturday which i am very much looking foward to, so i should have some photos to show you afterwards

so, whats been going on with me then?

i feel great! the meds are FINALLY doing their thing, im able to do more, think clearer and be a better mother, this last week has been fantastic and i feel like a whole different person, im still taking baby steps and not pushing myself too much.

Saturday is going to be a huge mission for me going back into the entertainer role that i love, but ive just done easy food, chips and dips and crackers and cheese, things in packets that i can just put on plates, real easy! im trying to make my life as easy as possible

oh and i have to gloat, because i never thought i would get this far, im still breastfeeding Olivia! so that is 1 year i have been breastfeeding, a huge achievement from someone who couldnt feed their first baby, im very proud of myself!

so this is me at the moment, happy, healthy and getting better, thank you all so much for your love and support and kind words, it means the world to me :)

xxx

some pics :)

2007-10-19T21:03:00.000+13:00

its been a month

2007-09-27T14:02:00.000+12:00

since i last posted, so much has happened, but then not much has happened.

the PND hasnt gone away, it hasnt got any better, but it hasnt got any worse, its frustrating that it is no better, but then a bit of a relief that it is no worse.

last week the drs thought it best that i went into hospital for a while, i agreed, Darryl agreed, so off to hospital we went, however on arrival it became apparent that really, it wasnt the best place for me, the people werent like me (mostly severelly mentally ill) and i just felt uncomfortable there, so i went home again, now the plan is to try some new drugs and go from there, i start the new drugs tomorrow (after a couple of days of having no pills to detox my system a wee bit) and hopefully they will help my mood lift.

My mother is up staying for this week and next, but is going home tomorrow for a few days, taking both Kaylee and Olivia with her, which will be nice for Darryl and I to have some childfree time, as much as we will miss them both, it will be a relief for a wee break, its been a nice break having mum here, she cooks, cleans, washes, its great not having to do anything!

anyway, thats all from me for now, i hope to be back soon with some better news :)

much love

xxx

processing thoughts

2007-08-28T16:31:00.000+12:00

lately there hasnt really been much going on to be honest, ive still had respite every day, tomorrow will be my first day without it.

Tomorrow im going to a PostNatal support group, im pretty nervous about going, but im hoping it will be beneficial for me (and my family of course) im going in a bit blind not knowing really what its all about, but im hoping that it will help me overcome all of this. Cant hurt to try right?

ive had heaps of time to think lately, which has been good, ive put on weight again with all this thats going on, and im dissapointed in myself for that, however one of the side effects of the medication im on is weight gain, so ive accepted the gain and just have to look at why im putting on weight and do something about it. i very rarely get out of the house anymore, so ive been putting the exercise bike to good use, and i have lost a couple of kilos in the last couple of weeks, so that is something i guess, i just need to keep it up :)

hopefully i will be back soon with a more interesting post for you to read!!

update

2007-08-14T16:09:00.000+12:00

Today was a very sad day for us, Darryls Nana passed away a couple of weeks ago and it was her funeral today, it brought the family together, and sometimes its a sad thing that it takes someone passing to bring the family all together again. RIP dear Nana you will be terribly missed xxx

there has been a lot going on still in our lives, the children are getting older and more independant, Kaylee is talking a lot more and understanding more than what we think she does, but at the same time is a lot more demanding, which is hard. Olivia is crawling, and is nearly 10 months old, scary to think that the month after next she turns 1.

im still not myself, there has been a lot of fiddling with medications and they are still not right, its frustrating for me that it has been this long and im still not right, kind of scary too, i guess i didnt realise how sick i actually am and have been. i constantly feel sluggish and slow and am still scared to drive, because if this is how i feel at home, how would it be on the road. but i am getting there

i have been talking to Darryl about going back to work, i miss the corporate world, i miss my work friends and i miss doing things that dont revolve around children. but we have made the choice to have children, so they do need to be our priority, and if i did go back to work i would need to find a job that covers the cost of daycare, which is hideously priced, and with the work that i know how to do, im not sure if there is a job out there that suits me, i did want to work for our own business, but im unsure at the moment exactly what i want to do and when i want to do it, i just know that staying at home with the kids fulltime is no longer what i want or enjoy. im not sure if its the illness talking, or if its just a fact of life and i just need to trundle on through.

im still taking 1 day at a time, 1 step at a time, i know that eventually i will get better, but its frustrating at how long its taking, Darryl says that he sees glimpses of the real me now and again, oh how i wish for that full time, i just wish i was ME and i wish i had the energy to do the things i used to do.

so anyway, i havent moved forward, but i havent moved backwards, so that is something i guess, one day i will be back, and im sure everyone will know the time has come, i just wish it was sooner rather than later.

i will leave you with a quote i found when reading a forum of mine that i go to,

"dont regret something that once made you smile"

i like the quote, and i find it makes you think a little, never regret your past, its made you who you are today, you cant change what happened yesterday though, but you can have control over what tomorrow will be like

i just have to hold onto that.

much luv

xxxxx

where am i now?

2007-07-26T22:04:00.000+12:00

yep its been a while since i last posted, and still little has changed unfortunatly.

those around me are seeing slight improvements, however i am not.

we had an appt today with 2 drs and a nurse, they wanted to see if i needed to be admitted into hospital, thank god i dont, because honestly they would of had to have taken me kicking and screaming, like hell im going to be admitted!

still having my up days, still having my down days, very little change, if in the next week there is still minimal change then my medication will be looked at again, at the moment im taking anywhere between 7 and 11 pills a day, just depends on my mood, but 7 is the minimum, thats a hell of a lot of medication!

just gotta keep on keeping on aye!

but on top of everything going on with me, Darryls parents have gone away on holiday overseas for the next few weeks, USA and Canada, sounds like they will have a blast, however the day before they flew out, Darryls Nana took a turn and had a fall, and she is now in hospital, and last night Darryls Granddad had a fall and ended up in hospital too, so really full on and heaps of stress on Darryl at the moment trying to work, look after the girls, look after me, look after his grandparents, full on!!

anyway, i will be trying to take every day step by step, its all i can do for now, but man, not being allowed to drive is taking its toll, im damn bored! so if youve got any ideas to keep me occupied (dont say scrapbooking Kate! i have minimal concentration!) id love to hear them! ive been sewing up a storm, making gorgeous ribbon comfort blankies for babies, and selling a few on trademe even! (stretch55 is my username, have a peek!)

take care, ka kite

Carla
xxx

another update

2007-07-02T18:50:00.000+12:00

First of all, what you will read below may shock you, but you know me by now, i tell it as it is, i dont mince my words, and i believe in by me being honest, you all will learn and appreciate more how Mental Illness affects people.

SO where have i been since i last updated

A fukken mess quite honestly.

what scares me most is the fact i thought i had hit rock bottom. but no, i was far from it.

i have been getting less and less sleep, most nights surviving on 2-3 hours, so i started on some sleepy pills, unfortunatly, they werent the best type for me. i had a bit of a reaction to them (in my head) so instead of having a calming affect, they had the complete opposite effect. i went crazy. i started to beat myself up, punching myself in the head, banging my head on the floor, bedhead, wall, Darryls knees and elbows (while he was trying to restrain me) quite honestly i completely and utterly lost the plot. it wasnt me, but it was me. and that petrifys me.

I was aware of what i was doing, i remember parts (not all) of it, Darryl got his sister to come over to help and she called an ambulance. i remember the Ambulance officer dude sitting on the floor beside me (i was lying on the ground, Darryl was ontop of me holding me down) asking if i wanted to go with them, i was like WTF of course i dont! then i bashed my head on the floor, the ambo guy got a bit strict with me then, i was either going with them, or i was getting a police escort because they would call them out. i couldnt understand why because i hadnt done anything illegal, but i co-operated with them. i didnt want the police over! bad enough having an ambulance parked in my driveway!!!

So off to the hospital i went, i cant remember much at all of it, just remember coming home again, darryls mum picked us up (Darryls sister and mum were at the hospital for a bit) and Olivia was in the back seat, and i was so relieved to see her.

Kaylee has been at mums for the last week, which has been great, she came home yesterday, so i need to learn how to be a mum to a toddler again, hard work.

anyway, im on so much medication its not funny, im on Anti-depressents, anti-psycotics (to calm me before bed) and sleeping pills, and im STILL not getting any sleep, last night was amazing at 7 hours, its the first time in a long time i have had that much, the night before was 2 hours and the night before that was 3 hours.

im in close contact with a Mental health team, they ring me or visit me daily, keep a very close eye on my medication, and ive also had respite nurses here on a 24 hour basis, they have also been amazing, my angels i call them, they do an awesome job. we are down to a respite nurse coming every night (to deal with Olivia) its been an amazing help.

its been hard, damn hard, i have had thoughts i never knew i could have, i have been through so many emotions its not funny, and i have put my family and friends through more than they should EVER have to go through. i hate it.

but i just have to keep on going aye.

xxx

an update

2007-06-21T09:36:00.000+12:00

Firstly, much love and big thank yous for my texts, emails, comments, they all mean a lot, and definitely are helping me get through this mess.

Recently i went severely downhill, i have never in my life felt so low and so bad and so scared, if i thought i was bad before, wow, i didnt have a clue what was to come.

My Dr changed my medication, and ive had the dosage increased twice now, (increased for the 2nd time yesterday) as there has been very minimal improvement at all. the hardest part for me has been losing complete control, ive hated every minute of it. (and yes, as much as i tell myself and others tell me not too, im still hiding it a lot)

So my Dr referred me to Maternal Mental Health, and i had an appt today with a Mental Health Dr and another lady (i think a social worker, not too sure) both very nice, I was referred to them first for assessment, then they decide what to do from here, they say I have severe depression, and a lot of it has stemmed from my childhood, not just postnatal, and so they have upped my medication again, I also have severe panic attacks and they offered me lithium or Valium (I think - cant remember) and sleeping pills, but I refused because im scared of what they will do to Olivia (still BFing) and they said I have anxiety and phobia issues (they had big names for everything) and they are going to work out what is the best therapy for me to have and go from there.

Scary stuff… I was petrified of going to the appt (Darryl did come with me), but im glad i did, im still very scared, petrified infact, especially of the unknown, i dont know yet what is to come, but i do know that it will be positive, and it will help me get better.

Ive had amazing support from my husband, my mother, my SIL & BIL, and several of my very close friends (you know who you are and i love you dearly), all of whom i love from the bottom of my heart and appreciate everything they have done for me, im truelly blessed.

Unfortunatly ive had a few people who i thought were close friends, freeze me out completely, no texts, no emails, no ph calls, no visits, and that has been hard, i want to scream, IM STILL ME! but im sure they will come around in their own time, its hard for many people to deal with, and many people have no idea how to deal with it, so ignore the situation completely.

I had a phone call today from someone at Waitakere Hospital, checking up on me, making sure i was ok, apparently they have made me an emergancy appt tomorrow where a dr either comes to me at my house, or i go to them, not too sure when yet, but they will let me know. So there are several departments and my own Dr, all working together, im very lucky to have this, but it is incredibly daunting and scary for me, apart from my dr, i dont know these people, and i have to open up to them, and that is very hard for me to do even to my close friends, let alone a stranger.

Its a dark dark scary place to be, and it terrifies me every damn day. But the light is now starting to appear. i just have to allow it to reach me. xxx

I did it :)

2007-06-04T09:06:00.000+12:00

It should be on my 101 list, but its not, its something i have ALWAYS wanted to do, and yesterday was the day!

i got my Tattoo, HUGE step for me, huge milestone, a little sad though now, because i have been looking foward to it for so long, and its now over and done with, Darryl said to just remember i have a lasting reminder about the excitement, but i do crave that excitement again, i dont have anything else at the moment to look foward to, so im just going to have to find something :)

what does it mean? the 3 points of the knot, symbolise (to me) my 3 babies, 1 in heaven, and 2 on earth (hence the point upwards and 2 points downwards) the circle that entwines them is the circle of everlasting love, so basically its my everlasting love for my children.

its on my lower (inside) left leg, just above my ankle.

i absolutley LOVE it and i am SO SO SO rapt that i got it.

and yep it hurt, but nothing i couldnt handle. mine took a fraction of the time that my BILs took (he came with me and got one done too, his is a funky sun with YinYang in it, very cool) but yeah, im rapt with it, and so glad i have it. now i want another one :)

How am I doing? im not going to lie and say great, because im not, im pretty shit actually, my Dr has changed my medication because the other stuff wasnt doing anything, and i have to wait a couple of weeks to see if the new meds kick in ok, if they dont then my dose gets increased and i get referred to an organisation for outside help. Its not fun being where i am at the moment, and its so hard for me KNOWING that i want to just snap out of it, KNOWING that all these thoughts i cannot control, as much as im trying and as much as im fighting it i have NO control and its very very hard to lose that, and its very very hard to explain to someone who hasnt been there because a lot of people think that you can just snap out of it, i wish it was that easy.

I now have anxiety ontop of the depression, i freak out at every little thing, im scared all of the time and i find it hard to even do the most basic of tasks, everything just seems very very daunting, and even though i know that this is how i feel, i just cannot do anything to stop it, i dont know how.

so i am still one day at a time, im starting to let my friends help me, and im starting to ask for help, because i think i need to, i find it very hard to be alone, thats when i freak out the most, so if i have my close friends (or family) near me, i tend to be ok. i just want to be normal again.

Life goes on :)

2007-05-21T10:51:00.000+12:00

Right, where have i been? what have i been up to??

not much really! haha

I had a lovely Mothers day, got a nice bunch of flowers and then proceeded to get thoroughly pissed on Sunday night. ate heaps of yummy things like cheeses and hummis and dips and pita breads, was great! Just had a nice relaxing day really. heaps of fun!

Then my kids got sick, Kaylee didnt go to kindy at all last week (back today thank god!) she had a terrible cold and at one stage couldnt talk because her throat hurt. didnt take her long to bounce back thank god! So it was a bit of a hard week, Olivia still playing up at night and Kaylee so full on because she was sick during the day, i was pretty damn tired!!

Friday morning i had Olivia allergy tested, unfortunatly at this age (under the age of 1) they dont test any airbourne allergins, so she only got tested for food allergys, which she has none, so im quite happy about that!

Saturday morning Darryl had the day off work (rare occurance) and we all met up with SIL & BIL and kids up at Darryls parents place and had morning tea there for Darryls Nanas birthday, great for the kids to have a run around and for the adults to sit and blob knowing the kids cant go anywhere!!!

Sunday morning i went out with my BIL to go Tattoo Parlour shopping (aka checking out places to see what they are like so we can book our tats to be done) and guitar shopping, turned out to be one hell of a flop of a morning really lol NOTHING was open! places that have ALWAYS been open on a Sunday werent open at all, so we have to wait until Darryl has another Saturday off so we can go out on a Saturday to get it all sorted (so he can watch the kids, im so NOT taking any children to a Tattoo place!!!) i was hoping to get my tattoo by now, but ive promised BIL that i will wait for him, he has to perfect his design first. i cant wait though!! then i can work on my next design! haha

Other than that, im just cruising, taking each day as it comes, up to day 14 now of my medication, hopefully very soon it will start to kick in, i definitely have my up and down moments and i definitely need to slow down

working on it!

Hi, my name is Carla, and I suffer from Depression...

2007-05-15T12:27:00.000+12:00

Ive been trying to work out a way, over the past few days, to word this post, I have written and rewritten it in my head, and still it just doesnt sound right, and it probably wont, because realistically im the only one that knows what on earth im on about!!

You may notice (when i do post... haha) how my posts are so up and down all the time, i do try not to be too blah, but sometimes when i read back to what i have written, well its just a bit negative isnt it. I will try to change that, promise :)

I try so damn hard to be the perfect mother and wife and friend, that i forget about myself, i put everyone else first, and then i realise that im never #1, so who else can help me, but me?

I tried to do everything right this time, i tried to relax and just go with it, but yet still the depression hits, im slowly starting to realise that unfortunatly its something that i just cannot control, its something that i do need help with and as much as i say i try to look after myself, i get put to last place, all the time, i need to become #1 sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes. im always the one who holds other people together, who helps everyone, its just what i do, i try hard to make everyone else happy.

A few people have emailed me to check up on me :) you know who you are, thank you, means a lot.

I am now taking Fluoxetine, which is an anti-depressant, when it starts working (usually takes a few weeks to start kicking in) its going to help me cope with day to day living, its going to help me think straight, and its going to help me see a way out of the hole im in at the moment.

Depression is a hole, if youve never suffered then its very hard to explain, but its like you get deeper and deeper into this hole, you cant see the sunlight anymore and then the weight starts bearing down on your shoulders and you cant see a way out of it, your not strong enough to get rid of the weight on your shoulders to climb out of the hole, its a dark place to be, its not nice.

I hide from the world, its what i do, at the moment i have 3 "safe zones" my place, Darryls parents place and my SIL & BILs place, i feel safe in these houses, and im tending to stick to staying around these areas. eventually i will move out into the world a bit more, but right now, i need my safety.

So many things contribute to the depression, lack of sleep, children, babies, stress, husbands (hehe), life in general, but i think that even if my life was perfect, i would probably still suffer, there is just something in me and i need to learn to accept that, treat it and move on with it.

its an illness, not a disability.

SO its time for me to look foward.

what do i have to look foward to?

-The rest of my life...

-My babies growing up

-becoming a professional musician (haha)

-getting my tattoo, then getting the next one after it! haha

-being happy....

i can do this, i can beat this, i am stronger than this.

peace

gotta love a bargain!

2007-04-29T19:10:00.000+12:00

Hope you've all had a lovely weekend!!

we really havent done too much, but i kinda feel like ive relaxed a little - alll good! Darryl worked Saturday while i stayed home and completely blobbed with the kids, i mean BLOBBED, Kaylee didnt even get out of her PJs! we watched dvds and read heapppps of books and just really spent quality time with my girls, it was great! then last night i went out babysitting for my SIL & BIL while they went out for dinner, it was SO nice to have the TV all to myself for once! i got to finish a book i have been reading for yonks, read a magazine and watch a movie! bliss!

Darryl took Kaylee with him to run errands today, so Olivia and I went shopping, i got a top that i have had my eyes on for a while, feels nice to splurge on myself once in a while! and then i went to the Warehouse, ohhhh the house of bargains! isnt it just the coolest place!! i got 3 funky tops for a whopping $25!! (thats right man, for all 3!) and i splurged on some new underware too, i love treating myself and dont seem to do it as often as i should!

im not sure what this week has in store for me yet, im just going to run with it a bit, apart from Kindy i have nothing else on (i think... remind me if i do!)

anyway off to my guitar lesson i go, and yep im still doing them, and yep im still absolutely loving it!

Learning curves and emotions

2007-04-27T09:01:00.000+12:00

I find it amazing sometimes how you can know someone for so long, but then never really know them until they open up completely to you and you open up completely to them, you learn so much. its very refreshing. very real. opens up a whole new world that you never really knew about really!

this last week has been good really, Kaylee back at Kindy, Olivias sleeping is getting better, Kaylees speech is just coming along beautifully and everything just seems to be going how it should be for once, its nice!

We tend to still remind Kaylee to go to the toilet often, its more our habit, she is very good at remembering, on Wednesday we noticed she hadnt been for a while, so Darryl took her to the loo, she sat on, look up at Darryl, shrugged her shoulders and said "but Daddy, i got no weewees in me!" it was so cute, and just the way she did it, cracked us up - had to share :) shes getting more easier to understand every day, and it makes communication with her fantastic!

Olivia is 6 mths old today, can you believe it! 6mths has just flown by, but it is like she has been with us forever, shes just infectious, she is so beautiful, very cool that she is mine :)

I have chosen my Tattoo, and am very ready to get it now, i absolutly love it and the meaning behind it and the meaning i want for it, its special. But i wont be getting it done for a few weeks yet, im going with my BIL as he wants one too, so we decided to go together and support each other through the pain! lol so im just waiting on him to make up his mind on where he wants to go and check out and perfect his design.

as soon as its done though i will let you know!!!

ive already decided what my next one will be, lol.... i heard they are a bit addictive!

Ah HA moments :)

2007-04-22T16:36:00.000+12:00

Today i had one of those "ah HA" moments, you know, the ones where you will be just going along in your own world merrily, you will be just doing your own thing, and then, THEN, you have a realization that you dont need those thoughts, you dont need that person, you dont NEED to feel that way.

Kate: you will know who im talking about here..... talk to ya soon! x

Today i was surfing through a friends BEBO page, BEBO, MySpace etcetc are all things that i havent started pages on, i have my blog here, that will do! but anyway, i was surfing through her page, then looking through her friends (heaps of old school friends of mine) and friends friends, you know how it goes, ANYWAY i stumbled across someones page, someone who i used to be close to at one time in my life, someone who i could of been a lot closer too and always regretted my actions at a certain time in my life. I come to this page, i had a nosey (as ya do) and i didnt feel anything, i didnt feel regret, i didnt feel sadness, i didnt feel anything that i thought i might of if the time came (which of course it did today) that i would see this person again.

i find this, personally, an achievement.

Im the type of person who cant let go if im the one in the wrong, i cant accept my actions and i live in a life of regret. I wallow in my own self pity and I tend to get VERY emotionally involved when i just shouldnt.

This to me, is the first step of many.

Its pretty damn refreshing!

A bit like a haircut really.

I got one of them today too :)

Small steps, small changes, my life.

My weekend has been pretty good, we havent done much, but we have done heaps, if that makes sense!

Yesterday while the guys were doing the Home Show (the Autumn home show) my SIL and I entertained all the kids, we made the gloop (cornflour and water) holy crap whatta mess! it was hilairious! so they all go bathed after that one! then we drew all over the driveway, i even (kinda) taught them how to play hopscotch, that was fun... i think i had more fun doing that than the kids did! there was drawing, and making necklaces with beads and playing with playdough, the kids had a great day and we were all buggered!!

Darryl brought Roast Dinners for everybody which we enjoyed after all the kids went to bed, and then us adults (Darryl, myself, SIL & BIL) watched Casino Royale (James Bond). it wasnt my cuppa tea, but it was nice to blob!

This morning was of course my hair cut, and really not much else, which has been a good thing really, we got a few things done, thats always nice!

Time to feed my girls :) easy dinners tonight, Spagetti on toast for Kaylee and pears and farex for Olivia... ohhh yummmm :)

Ciao :)

My girls

2007-04-20T14:13:00.000+12:00

Every day i find it amazing and unbelievable and astounding how these 2 precious girls, are mine (as in Darryl's and my own). Nobody else has any responsibility for them, no one else loves them as much as we do, these 2 girls just blow us away everyday, reaching and exceeding milestones, growing more, talking more, even their smiles just light up the room. It amazes me to think that i brought these children into the world, they are mine, they are a part of me, and i should be proud of who they are, what they have become and what they will be.

They absolutely melt my heart and i would be so lost without them.

Kaylee has been off kindy for the school holidays, she will start back on Monday, she will be 3 in July.... its amazing how fast that time has gone, how far we have all come and how much we have learnt. Kaylees speech just gets better and better every day, she is now fully day toilet trained (didnt take her long at all), she is so very tall, in a size 4 already, and she is such a hard case, some of the things she does and says, some of her actions and facials just crack us up daily, she is a delight. (but we are going through a stage at the moment where she will not look at the camera when photos are being taken!!!)

Olivia will be 6 months old on the 27th of this month, we have come so far with her, but still have a way to go, we have acknowledged that and are now just getting on with it. She loves her 1 solids meal a day, she LOVES her baths, she kicks and squeels in delight and she just ADORES her big sister (who adores her little sister right back!) they spend ages rolling around on the floor together, or in Olivias cot together, and i hope and pray that they have such a wonderful relationship growing up. Olivia has the most amazing eyes, and the most amazing smile (which i find VERY hard to get on camera!!) my children are beautiful and i love them so much.

Foody stuff

2007-04-17T10:31:00.000+12:00

i havent talked about food for ages, probably because i have SO many other things going on, but i thought i would let you know where im at and what i have been up to.

As ive said in a previous post, i have no idea what i weigh at the moment, and i kind of like that, im a bit curious, and if i went into someones bathroom and they had a set of scales there, then i would probably use them :) however at the moment, im quite happy knowing that my clothes are loose, im down a couple of sizes (compared to this time last year) and im feeling healthier all round.

I guess breastfeeding has a lot to do with it, i have to make sure i eat well, in order to produce good milk, if i eat crap, i notice a decline in my supply, so its a good reason to continue eating healthy. (with the odd treat)

Darryl said to me the other day that he has noticed my portions are so much smaller than they used to be, and thats probably another thing thats helping, sometimes i get a bit carried away on portion sizes and my eyes end up bigger than my stomach, however i just keep eating.... not really a good thing!

Coming into winter again though, im just going to have to be careful, things like Lasagne, and curries are of course lovely warm winter foods, and we tend to have these a lot... will have to watch that! this year though i have my crock pot, so i can do healthy cassoroles and stews with lots of veggies.

bit of a boring post really, but just kinda putting it all down what has been happening foody wise, im finding myself drawn to the more healthy options on a menu, to the more healthy options for dinners at home, fruit bowl always full, veggie bin always full, freezer always full of lean meats, if you have the basics, it makes preperations alot easier!!!

#2

2007-04-14T10:05:00.000+12:00

yep, 2 posts in one morning! arent you just so lucky! haha

Well i went out last night, not the night i was hoping for, as non of my girls could make it (everyone is sick!! no fair!! get better soon babes!!) so just Darryl and i toddled along, i didnt get my boogy, but there is always next time, i had a few drinks, that was nice, and i met a few people, that was nice, and listened to some good music for a couple of hours, next time though, hold me back baby im gunna boogy!!! (my girls, watch this space!)

My mum and youngest sister arrived yesterday, so its quite nice having someone else keeping Kaylee entertained for a while, 2 year olds are full on! (Kate... under 3 mths to go until the big 3! holy CRAP!), but so hilarious!!! Kaylee has a boyfriend from kindy, its very cute, she keeps talking about him, ahhh young love, very sweet!!! so they will be here until Tuesday morning at this stage. we have absolutly no plans for this weekend, but Darryl and I might make the most of the fact we have a couple of babysitters in the house for a few days and pop out now and again! we already have plans to go out in a couple of hours for lunch, so that should be nice, not having to worry about any children, nappies, prams, bottles, etc!!

Have a wonderful weekend folks, take care, look after yourselves

peace out

PMD and other stuff :)

2007-04-14T09:48:00.000+12:00

Sandra, no offence is ever taken :) i love comments, no matter what they may be, i guess sometimes its hard in blogland, you never get the full picture of the person you are reading, their full life, their full actions and indiscretions, because we only choose parts of our lives to write about :)

I have on many an occasion considered the fact that I may have PND and i will be honest in saying i am avoiding the dr like the plague (i am quite overdue for a smear!) because she will pick up on it, i personally DO NOT want to be on drugs again, thats just me, thats just my decision, (i am working in other directions to fight this) i was on Fluoxitine (prozac) for a long time with Kaylee, and those of you who knew me then, will know that i was a VERY different person with Kaylee than i am now, Kaylee was such an easy baby, she made everything to do with having a baby a breeze, slept through the night at an early age, took to formula well, took to solids well, it was just ME that was messed up, i felt so horrid and discusting all the time, and i couldnt work out why, i also had very little in the way of a support system, i had very few friends and being a first time mama, i really didnt have a clue.

I am such a different person now than i was then, i have so much more in place in way of a support system, (and i have my blog where i can get it alllll out! haha) i have so many friends and family around, i have a great husband who helps any way that he can and i have a lot of people i can talk to, im also more open and honest with my feelings, im more aware of my feelings and my actions and how they affect me and others, and i know so much more about having kids now than i did then! (it helps, believe me!) but i just need to remember that Olivia is a different child, she will never be Kaylee, i can compare them till im blue in the face and they are just so unbelievably different its not funny! I guess to me it was (and still is) such a culture shock, after having the "perfect" (for lack of a better word) baby first time, and now having a baby who wakes all the time in the night, doesnt put on weight, and is very slow at reaching her developmental milestones, it makes me feel like im doing something wrong, what did i do SO right with Kaylee, that im doing SO wrong with Olivia.

But then i have to stop, and think, and remember.... i am not doing anything wrong, im working my ass off trying to be a great Mama and life teacher, im doing all i can to give my babies the best life they can have, physically and emotionally, i have 2 totally different children, i cannot in any way, shape or form even begin to compare them, i cannot let myself get down about the fact that Olivia is so different than Kaylee (and vice versa) i just have to take each day at a time, each hour at a time, and just wing it for now.

A lot of my posts lately have been a little odd, weird, negative, however if i dont get it out, i bottle it up, and i would much rather have you all think im a bit of a freak, than go absolutly crazy again, i just cant have that, i have myself, my children, my husband, my friends and family to think of. i have to be the best person i can be, for now, right now. because if i dont, then im doing myself an injustice.

Finding Carla

2007-04-12T15:28:00.000+12:00

yep, still on my wee mission :)

ive almost decided on what kind of tattoo to get, i just have to perfect the design and do the whole toilet door thing for a month or so... or will i just go and get it... ive wanted it for long enough, watch this space. im not going to show you though, until i get it.

ive considered on many occasions making my blog private (follow the leader!) or starting a new one, just for me, just to get my own personal thoughts out, but really at the moment i dont have the time or energy to keep that up, hence why my posts are a bit out-of-it, so much is going on that i just cant talk about, things that have the potential to make me a very bad person, and im just not going there. i am not a bad person. i have been talking about things with someone, and that has helped heaps, but things im just not willing to share with people i dont know that well, hope you understand. I need to get my head around a few things, i need to start living properly again.

im still loving playing the guitar, its fantastic, i love going into our cruddy spare room and shutting the door behind me and just turning off the world for a while. i dont care that i cant play that well, i dont care that i sound like a strangled cat when i sing, im just loving it.

Ive lost my bathroom scales, i have NO idea where they are, i have searched high and low, therefor i have NO idea what i weigh. and really. at this point and time. i dont give a fuck. all my clothes (including my tight jeans) are loose. that has to be a good sign, either that, or i have stretched everything to buggery :)

i love my kids, but ive kinda had enough being a stay at home mama, im very blessed that we have the type of income that we can afford for me to stay at home, however im bored, doing the same things over and over and over again. and my kids are suffering because of that, and i hate that my kids are suffering because of basically my own selfishness, therefor, im going back to work, not yet, but soon, maybe in about 6mths time. a position may be open for me, i just have to finalise details, but we have several months for that. i will miss my babies. but i MISS ME, and i just have to do something about that.

I always thought that my calling in life was to be a Mama, was to raise a family, up until (very) recently, i was definitely not going back to work until all my children were at school, i was definitely not going to be a working mother, hell we can afford for me not to be, (with some sacrifices) so why not? but i didnt realise that i would - in gaining a family - lose myself, which essentially i have, now i have changed (for the better i think) and daily am changing, daily i am finding new things about myself, im finding more courage and more passion and more ME, more of who i used to be. more of who i want to be, without disadvantaging my children and husband, but still being positive for me.

Im off to the pub tomorrow night (as said in a previous post) something so simple for so many people is popping down to your local for a beer, shit, i havent done that since i was about 19!! im only 25 years old for fucks sakes, im not old! ive said it before and i will say it again, im looking foward to getting pissed off my tree :) (ok, well having a few drinks anyway! lol that should be enough) im looking foward to having a kanikani and letting my (short) hair down for a bit!

My mother and 2 sisters are coming to visit tomorrow, they will stay until Tuesday, so im really looking foward to that, having a few more pairs of hands around to keep Kaylee and Olivia occupied, it will be nice that i have a bit of adult company in the house on the days that Darryl is at work, it will be great for them to catch up with the kidlets too, hopefully make this household a bit smoother for a few days!

the Auckland home show is coming very soon.... exciting for us :) watch this space hehe

still around

2007-04-10T20:36:00.000+12:00

not much to say, Olivia is only waking twice a night now, (well for the past few nights anyway) im still happily strumming away, heaps of other stuff going on, still finding myself, kinda got myself in a bit of a mess, but will find my way out of it, always do!

Mel, definitely keen for you to come visit us from Japan so we can watch Borat together! hehe

Christine, i WILL make it down your way for a cuppa one day, but hey, your always welcome up here, i know heaps of people in the north would luv to meet ya! xx

my Mum and sisters are coming up on Friday arvo, staying until Tuesday, so that will be good for a break, Darryl and I are off out to the pub on Friday night to watch my BIL and his band play, so im looking foward to getting utterly pissed :)

i have a thing for Penguins at the moment, i think they are kinda cute....

im just a bit weird right now if you havent guessed :)

and this too shall pass

xxx

Decluttering

2007-04-05T16:09:00.000+12:00

As you all know, im on this whole "find myself" thing, mentally, physically and emotionally, its kind of like a decluttering of my thoughts and emotions and getting everything back to reality and in check again.

Well im in the process of decluttering physical things too, my house (Kate and Em will testify to this! haha) is SO cluttered, i have so much crap its not funny, crap that we just dont need. so today i finally got off my arse and sorted out Kaylees room, as a result we have 1 toybox of toys, 1 box of dressups and puzzles and a bookshelf of books, and its great!! back to how i used to have her room, neat and tidy, clothes hung up, bed made (well kinda... shes been playing in it!) so hopefully now that it is done, it will be easier for miss Kaylee to maintain every night before bed!

i did a quick look through the house today and found all the things that i dont actually need... as a result i have heaps listed on Trademe and hopefully i will make pretty good money on it too! (Stretch55 is my username if you wanna squizz - nothing like a bit of self promotion in your own blog!) i have heaps more to list too, but i thought if i list a few things at a time, it means a few items (clutter) at a time will leave my house, brilliant! it feels nice to throw things away, and start clearing things out, because to me a clear house helps you mentally too.

Now, what are we going to do about Miss Olivia..... i rang healthline today and talked to one of their wonderful wellchild nurses, i told her all the feeding and sleeping issues we were having, i told her about Olivias lack of weight gain, and i told her that basically im pretty buggered right now! so, taking her ideas on board, we are going to get strict on Olivia from tonight.... i feed her up good and proper before bed (always do) put her down, when she first wakes (usually about 1 recently) i feed her (like usual) from then on, i dont feed her (wahhhh!!!) we try to let her settle herself back down, if she doesnt, we settle her, but we dont give in with the boobie!!! because of how rotten she feeds during the day, i need to work on her night sleeping, so her day feeding will be heaps better, so i HAVE to do it, it may take anywhere from a few nights to a couple of weeks to sort out properly, but right now i KNOW olivia is fed at night, she just likes getting up to snuggle with her mummy, and i KNOW that i am slowly losing the plot and i need my sleep.

i dont know if im strong enough though... so i might just hide out in the spare room and let Darryl deal with her! lol

ahhhh nevermind!!! we WILL get there!!!

Ok, i dont know if its anyone here, but if there is anyone called LION CITY out there fowarding me emails, please stop! i dont know who you are, therefor i dont open them and really its just spam to me. i know a couple of other people get the same things, so it would be NICE if you stopped, cheers.

#3 :) in process

2007-04-02T15:22:00.000+12:00

Yep, #3 on my 101 list is to learn guitar again, i LOVE playing music, i had both keyboard and guitar lessons when i was younger, also did a bit of the drums, and the usual primary school ukelele and recorder (lol). but the guitar and keyboard are definitely my faves. my "tutor" is my BIL, he was rapt when i asked him to teach me, and refuses any kind of payment for it, so im very lucky that he is happy to take time out of his already very busy schedule to teach me.

We had our first lesson on Saturday night, just a short one, but ive been strumming along happily all day, trying to remember what i used to know, and learn what i have been taught, because i know if i dont, he will open up a big can of "whoop ass" on me! very strict! But starting next week, every monday night, will be for me, learning to play again (no more Maori styles! lol)

Then on Saturday night we all (myself, Darryl, his Sis and BIL) watched Borat on DVD, now if you know me (and my personalised plates!) you will know im the HUGEST Ali G fan, and Borat was NO disapointment to me, i LOVED IT!!! i havent laughed so much in ages and just adored the fact that i could lose myself in the movie, didnt have to THINK during the movie (its a bit like that!) and could just relax and blob for a bit, it was fabbo!

Sunday i picked up my SIL and we took off to the shops for a few hours with just the 2 babies (my neice is 5 weeks younger than Olivia) it was great not having to chase the 3 older ones around the shops, it was just so easy going shopping! so (LOL) we have plans to do it again on Saturday... because... well... there are just things we need, ok? lol (our excuse to the boys!)

i kept Kaylee home from kindy today, thinking that her cough shouldnt be shared around kindy... omggggg its been a hard day! i ended up putting her to bed and locking her in her bedroom (she doesnt have day sleeps much anymore) and i was SO lucky that she went to sleep, however Olivia hasnt slept sweet FA today, so its been a challenging one!

I have macaroni and Cheese in the crockpot at the moment, for dinner, omg, yum, it smells devine!!!!! just thought id share :)

Im busy looking at Tattoos, i have seen one that i LOVE, however its extremely similar (so i found out after i drew it up - it was online and i had to pay for the full photo, so i printed the mini one and scanned and enlarged it, naughty aye!) to one that a good friend of mine wants, so i dont think i will go there, and i will find something else, draw it up to size, and paste it on the back of my toilet door for a month where i will have no choice but to look at it often! haha, then if i still like it, then im getting it dammit!!! :)

1/4 life crisis

2007-03-29T15:28:00.000+12:00

you know how some people have a mid life crisis? im having it early, lol

im on a mission to find myself again, find the beautiful, attractive person that i know is there, find hobbys that are just about ME, do what I want to do, because if i dont, when i get old, will i have regrets? i dont want regrets in my life, i want to LIVE.

i always told myself that once i had kids they would work around me, they would be my priority sure, but i would not lose myself.

well i have lost myself

and i need to find ME again

so here is what i am going to do

im getting a Tattoo, not yet, but soon, i have always wanted one, but peoples opinions have put me off, fuck em, its my body, its my skin, its what i want, its going to happen.

im taking guitar lessons, starting next Monday night. i used to play the guitar when i was a kid, i got really good, but now, sadly, i let it all go. im a very musical person, i love nothing more than relaxing to a good cd, or dancing, or singing (not very well but who cares) i used to play the keyboard too, so once im sussed with the guitar i will start back on keyboards again.

im looking into doing a night school class, maybe try and get into web design, or something similar.

im doing some work for the business and eventually will pick up more, maybe even have an office job in the future. we dont really know there yet.

im finding myself again, and im going to enjoy myself again.

everything.

2007-03-28T16:44:00.000+12:00

Olivias sleeping during the night is getting so much better, thank goodness, now i just have to work on getting to sleep, i tend to toss and turn a lot!! Olivia is waking usually twice (over the past few nights) so thats not too bad, i can deal with that.

Kaylee is being a 2 year old... and its driving me nuts, thank god for kindy because i just dont have the energy to deal with her

PND/Depression has reared its ugly head a couple of times, but im trying so hard to beat it, i am in control, at the moment anyway, and working on ways to keep this at bay. i suffered from this with kaylee, so i know what to look for now.

I had Olivias 5mth check at plunket yesterday (yep 5mths already!) however she hasnt gained any weigh since her 3 mth check, she is still 6.1kg. she is on the 25% line for height, and just under it for weight, so the nurse wasnt toooo worried because she is all in proportian. however i have to do a self weigh in a couple of months, just to be sure.

i have a lot going on im my life right now (things that i just will not blog about), so i dont get the time to sit on the computer too much, i do try to read everyone, and follow everyones journesy, beit weightloss, your life, your children, pregnancies. i am thinking of you all lots

back to reality.

Good Friends

2007-03-23T11:34:00.000+12:00

Its really nice to have good friends, there was a time in my life that i didnt have any friends at all, i was lonely and did some stupid things just to try and make friends, needless to say those friends i no longer know, or care about. i do wonder about them, i wonder if they did end up in jail, or if they are dead, or if they finally sorted their shit out, somehow, i doubt it.....

Last night i went out to a dear friends place and met up with another dear friend there too, both of which like me for who i am, not for material things, not for a pretend-acting-up me, just for me, its comfortable, its nice, its great to have a goss/bitch/laugh/cry with my friends and know that they think like me, they appreciate me, just like i love and appreciate them. it was fantastic to get out of the house for a few hours, it was a really pleasant night, not doing anything, not getting dressed up, just blobbing and gossing, i love it! Thank you :)

i woke up this morning feeling like a truck had hit me, i feel like ARSE! so i jumped in the shower, and tried to relax, i get out of the shower to find Kaylee spread talc powder from asshole to breakfast and she looks at me, grins and says "thats a bit naughty aye mummy" hmmm, ya think? Then Olivia poo'd all over me, and the phone just wouldnt stop ringing (i have half a voice right now!) i just lost the plot a little bit, i didnt know where to start, i couldnt calm down to be able to work out what to do next, i texted my friend and told her that i just couldnt come out today, (we had plans) i didnt know how, and so she came and got Kaylee and they are at the zoo at the moment having a great time, i managed to hang out a heap of washing today, and vacuum and tidy most of the house (i closed the doors on the rest of it! lazy aye!) so mentally i feel a bit better now that i have "done something" physically i still feel like arse, and of course all i can take is panadol... god give me coldral nowwww! lol

id kill to have a maid right now, lol anyone need a job?

:) thanks

2007-03-20T11:04:00.000+12:00

thought i would do a quick update :)

nothing much has changed on the sleeping front, im very lucky if i get 3 (straight) hours, last night was 2 hours of very broken sleep, the rest was just sitting up awake, its not nice, but im working through it and taking on heaps of your lovely ideas, as well as other ideas from friends and family.

im definitely not giving up breastfeeding, just thought i would clarify :) i have wayyyy too much milk for that! lol im just trying to get Olivia used to the formula so that Darryl can feed her at night, and i can sleep in the spare room for a bit, but shes not taking the formula at all, lol would much prefer the boobie juice! but we are working on it :)

so yes still very tired, still loosing the plot a bit, still trying very hard, the teethies are JUST under the surface, so once they cut through i am hoping she gets better fast, otherwise its straight to the dr to see what else may be going on!

thanks again :) its really lovely to have friends like you

xxx

Downward Spiral

2007-03-17T10:26:00.000+13:00

Its how im feeling right now, like im slowly going into a hole and not being able to climb out very fast at all.

Olivia is not sleeping during the night, (shes fine in the day time!) but of course if she doesnt sleep at night, it means i dont sleep at night, ive worked out that i have had abot 9-10 hours sleep in the past 4 nights, all up. its very hard. she hasnt been the best sleeper ever since birth, its a good night when she wakes twice in the night, so really i have been living on very little sleep since i was a couple of months pregnant, so for about a year now. i get the very occasional sleep through the night, but its a rare occasion and it really isnt enough to catch up. it doesnt help that she is teething, VERY badly teething, she screams and cries constantly, she is in agony and there really isnt much at all i can do for her (pamol, bonjela, teething powder, cold things) and it sux, it sux to see your baby in so much pain, it makes it very hard going out at the moment, it makes things difficult to have a face to face conversation with another adult.

Lack of sleep to me is the worst of the worst, i NEED my sleep, i need sleep to function normally to be the best mama i can be, and right now im not the best mama, infact i suck. im using the TV as my babysitter with Kaylee, i sit on my arse all day because im too tired to do anything, im SO behind on the housework, and because of the weather we just have piles and piles of washing to catch up on. its all just getting on top of me and i dont know for how much longer i can keep up this little charade.

Now i really dont give a flying fuck if you life is harder than mine right now so i should be counting my lucky stars blah blah blah, i honestly dont want to hear it, and i honestly dont give a shit.

Im sick to death of putting everyone else, friends, family, people i hardly know, before myself, every year i make a promise to myself that i will start looking after MYSELF better, i will put ME first. but it doesnt happen, i come last, and i probably always will come last, its just the way life is, as a mother, my family comes first, as a friend, i put them first. but of course if i make the decision to put myself first, why the hell do i feel guilty about it?

Human instinct? who knows...

Darryl is working SO much at the moment, he needs to do it in order to keep up, he has to keep up in order to keep the contracts, he left a couple of hours later today so that i could have a sleep before he left, just so i could have SOMETHING, but because he did that, it means that he either works later tonight or he does some work tomorrow. he is trying so hard, but i wish he was home with me some more i really do. the sooner someone else is hired the better i think.

so tonight im going to the supermarket to get Olivia some formula. not an easy decision for me, even though Kaylee was basically a formula baby from the start, i have been so proud of myself for breastfeeding Olivia, it was great that i could (can) do it. but i cannot express any off, and i need to sleep. so Darryl is on night watch tonight, he will have the formula to feed her with, (i will probably wake up with rocks for boobs! haha) i just hope she will take it, otherwise it just means that i still wont get any sleep, baby needs to be fed, what can you do?

so yes, im tired, grumpy, hormonal, down, and just plain yukky.

i hope to snap out of it real soon.

Ka Kite

my 101 list

2007-03-12T13:20:00.000+13:00

I have been a little busy lately, not only sorting my life out (and in the process crossing off wee things off my 101 list!) but trying to be a better person too, i think im a pretty good person, always (like anyone i guess, we are only human) have room for improvement! im working especially on how i parent my children, i have a wee way to go but im proud of what i have accomplished so far.

Kate, you have to tell me (yes... again... lol) how to cross off my list! i think it goes
OK, the 101 List, what have i done lately?

#11 - in a roundabout way this is done, we have gone into partnership with a couple of other people and our business is no longer our business, im not going to go into a lot of detail but its a fantastic way to grow the business and a great opportunity for us as a family.

#12 - we are working on this, seriously looking to purchase a house, i must say though, some RE agents just SUCK! and im not the type of person to be talked to like im a peice of shit (some - not all agents, just thought i would clarify!) and i have clashed with quite a few agents, some dont return ph calls, emails, msgs, some are very rude and arrogant... add to that the fact that we are looking for our first home in Auckland where the prices are just stupid, and the only areas that we can afford are basically scumsville... we drove through one area 5pmish last night, tagging everywhere, people OPENLY doing drugs on the street, dogs everywhere... it just breaks your heart really that THIS is the area that you can afford to buy, the total lack of respect for other people, themselves, other peoples property and their own property, i just dont get it. we went through at that time yesterday evening because its about the time we like to go for a walk, and we thought that we would see what was around... lets just say we will not be going anywhere near there again. we will be thinking outside the square a little bit and doing some investigating, but hey, at least we are working on it!

#24 - Done, my birthday bbq was very cool and both Kate and Emily agreed that this was #24 done, new and old friends coming together and meeting :) was lovely

#25 - meet new friends, through various sources i have met plenty of new friends recently, its been really neat, and i feel very blessed to have them in my life. as a result, i usually have something on every day, lol so keeping very busy too!

#26 - i will always make time for all of my friends new and old, i love nothing more than having a goss with a good friend, we know each other well, we know each others lives, its comfortable, there is nothing new, and i like that. i love how when i go shopping with Kate, we have our "usual carparks" our "usual place" to meet, our "usual cafe" to go to for coffee, its comfy and its nice, and its always so neat to have a good goss/bitch!

#39 - pass my full licence, well this morning i did just that, i passed, i was so "lucky" in that not only did i have the testing dude, but i had the moderating dude who was moderating the testing dude and myself.... ohhh the joy... the test was OKKK i wouldnt want to repeat it again anytime soon though! but right at the end i had to parallel park.... i didnt even do that for my restricted 10 years ago! (yeah, its been that long! slack aye!) lol but i did ok!

#56 - our visa cards are both now paid off in full, one is sitting in credit, one is a fuel card for the company. done!

#60 - ok i have cheated here a bit... i worked out where the automatic mode was! easy and done! :)

so as you can see i have been busy, ive had sooo many more things go on as well, but im sure this is enough for now :)

Olivia's first time in the Jolly Jumper

2007-03-01T15:26:00.000+13:00

i have to share these pics, they are gorgeous!!!!

Opportunities

2007-02-27T13:25:00.000+13:00

First of all, Happy Birthday Darryl!!! :) xxx luv ya hun!

Now... Opportunities, they come and go, whether or not you want to take an opportunity thrown your way is completely up to you, but they are part of what shapes your life, you either take this path, or a new one, and where will it lead you? you either find out or you dont i guess!

We have been blessed this year, from today we have 2 opportunites infront of us, one personal, one business, both of them fantastic for the future of our family. we have talked about it, argued about it (as ya do!), thought about it, and decided that both opportunities we will take. Its a very exciting (and stressful and busy!) time for us, i cant talk much about the business thing yet (confidentiality contracts and all that!) but for the personal one, it means that very soon, we will be proud home owners :)

My mother and her partner are applying for a new Mortgage tonight, Darryl and i get to find a house we like, (with potential preferrably) in a certain price bracket, we pay the full Mortgage, insurance, rates etc, with my Mum and her Partner owning the house, but we get to do anything we want to it. (making sense? good!) once we decide to sell the house, Mum and T will get their deposit back, plus half share profit, and we will get anything we put into the house (mortgage payments, renovation money etc) plus half share profit, this gives Mum the opportunity to invest some money like she has always wanted to do, and gives us the opportunity to own our first home without the major hassles (and huge mortgages) that some people have to deal with.

I love my Mum so much for this opportunity, because without it i doubt VERY much if we could ever get into our own home, it is so very hard and we are on quite a high income, i would hate to know how people on low-average incomes make it, because i find it hard enough! i guess you move out of Auckland to own your own home.... but we are SO excited, and totally have our DIY caps on! so great opportunities coming our way, and we are truely blessed :)

We have today, given Kaylees daycare 2 weeks compulsary notice that she will not be going anymore, at $100 a week for 3 half days (inc food) it has been a blessing for me, but its something else unfortunatly that we have just got to cut back on, we have her on the waiting list at our local private kindy, so she will go there soon, at $14 a session its a hell of a lot cheaper!! (Public Kindy doesnt start until age 3.5-3.8 years here, so thats a while away yet).

I took Olivia for her 3 mths immunisations today (shes 4mths old today! can you believe it!!!) she screamed so bad, i nearly cried too!! gave her a feed straight afterwards though and that settled her heaps and heaps, now shes fast asleep, and Kaylee is meant to be fast asleep but is quietly trashing her bedroom!!!

Kaylee is still going great with her toilet training! even the occasional Poo, which rocks!!

You know when your childless, the thought of talking about wees and poos is a bit gross... now its just everyday chatter! lol

theres some REALLY funky new music out at the moment, im loving Hinder, and the Kooks, and My Chemical Romance, and Fall Out Boy and fergie and Gwen Stefani (have always LOVED Gwen Stefani & No Doubt) and so much more, its funky, its basey, its groovey, love it!

I got my hair done on Saturday with the voucher i got for my birthday, if i am to have one vice in my life, i choose getting my hair done regularly, i absolutely LOVE it! i feel SO much better when i have it done, i love going to the salon, having mummy time, letting someone pamper ME! (i LOVE the massage chairs they have at the salon i go to when you get your hair shampooed!) I am no sporting a funky short do (again, lol) with red (BRIGHT) and blondey highlights, its very different and i LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!!!! sometimes i just have to get out of the mummy zone and feel like me again, and this does it for me every time!

still no luck selling my damn car.... SUX!! we have dropped the price as far as it can go, and have had a wee bit of interest... but usually nothing comes of it...

we are trying to sell Darryls boat too, no luck there either... dammit!

Olivia is great, Kaylee is great, I am great, Darryl is great (if not getting a little old! haha)

Over and out from the land of Carla :) xxx

How prepared are you?

2007-02-22T10:35:00.000+13:00

I have learnt, in my adult life, that people are so hohum when it comes to emergancys, or disasters, they are so "oh it wont happen to me" or "the govt will have a plan, we will be sweet" but WHAT IF something does happen to you?

When the Matata (Bay of Plenty) floods happened, it put me into shock, im from Edgecumbe, a small country town just under 10 minutes away from Matata, i had friends and family affected, and noone was prepared.

If you had 5 minutes to get as much as you could and leave, do you have things prepared to grab? do you have torches, Candles and Matches, blankets, first aid kits in a place to grab very quickly? do you have a small supply of food? water? if you were stuck in your house for a week without power or water, would you survive? do you have enough supplies to last you?

Or do you expect everyone else to provide for you?

As an adult, as a parent, as a mother, i have to look after, provide and care for my children, in an emergancy this is just as important. it doesnt matter about myself and Darryl not eating heaps, but our children still need to be fed, they still need to have water.

We have animals, they need caring for, do you have supplies of pet food?

im not saying you have a whole shed dedicated to "just in case" thats just a bit silly, (and expensive!) but a few bottles of water, some batteries, torches, radio, tins of food, being stored away in a plastic box (or backpacks as some people i know do) doesnt hurt. It doesnt cost much to set up, we started by purchasing a couple of things a week, our local supermarket a few months ago had tins of soup for 25c a tin, so i got heaps of them, beans, spagetti, tins of fish, rice. all these things can feed your family.

i will be honest, i had the shits put up me last night with the Earthquakes we had in Auckland, i went into survival mode, i got my emergancy kit by the door, i double checked all torches, i got blankets and clothing ready, i got water prepared. so if for any reason we had to leave in a hurry, we could, WITH supplies.

I think to be honest i put the shits up some of my friends and family too... but it got them thinking, and i make no apologys for that :)

I am not a sook, or a pussy, or a pedantic freak, i come from a town where Earthquakes are very common, but i also come from a town that has had their share of natural disasters (a huge Earthquake being one of them) but when we have an earthquake in Auckland, a VERY shallow earthquake only 30km off the Orewa coast and 6KM down. It does scare the bejesus out of me, and it does get me even more ready than when i was before.

ok SURE you dont have to be scared shitless and stay home 'just in case' thats just dumb, you dont have to worry every 5 minutes where your kids are, or your husband/wife.

But for goodness sakes, get prepared.

http://www.getthru.govt.nz/Emergency-Survival-Kit.57.0.html

http://www.survive-it.co.nz/

http://www.mcdem.govt.nz/memwebsite.nsf/wpg_URL/Being-Prepared-What-to-do-Index?OpenDocument

Just stuff...

2007-02-21T09:59:00.000+13:00

I was undecided for the last week whether or not to post, hence no entries on my part, i havent been in the best mood, and didnt want to come across as "poor me" because thats not what i am feeling at all, it has however been like a mini rollercoaster this week of emotions, due to tiredness and exhaustion amongst other things. not to mention the amount of damn "hawkers" coming to my door lately, its driving me crazy! ive had Kirby (vacuum cleaners) 3 times in the last fortnight, tree trimming guys, landscapers, roof restorers, Jehouver wittnesses, Mormons, foot people (cant remember the name for them) its pretty crazy how many i get, i kind of want the mormons back, they were pretty hot... :) and they offered to do my gardening! haha

Olivia is getting pretty terrible with her sleeping, we are taking 1 step foward and 2 steps back at the moment with this bub, i do realise and understand that she is not quite 4 months old yet, and that babies do take time to settle in, but take last night for example, she was awake from 6pm-2.30am, when she (and I!) finally crashed, she was then awake at 5.30am and back asleep at 7am, when of course i had to get up and shower to try and keep awake to be a mummy to Kaylee! (who by the way is on the couch eating muesli bars watching Barney the Dinosaur... its lazy day today and i dont really care!) this has been however the worst night by far, so im hoping that tonight is so much better! but Olivia has been a wee bit unsettled for a good couple of weeks, we got her sleeping right through the night (from 7pm - 6.30am) and it was BLISS! how i wish for that now! but all we can do is keep on truckin!

Olivia was weighed and measured last week (16 weeks) and was 6.1kg and 60cm which is heaps smaller than Kaylee when she was weighed at just before 3 months! its great that Olivia still fits into her teeny clothes, im definitely getting my moneys worth out of them!!! Olivia also rolled for the first time last week, so that was cool, i got pics nearly identical (under the same change mat, both in the nudeys) to when Kaylee first rolled (however Kaylee rolled at 9 weeks, Olivia at 15)

Kaylee however is being brilliant with her toilet training, apart from #2s she hasnt had an accident for over a week now, its just happened so quickly and she is VERY independant with it all, its great! my little bubba isnt a bubba anymore! *sob* her speech is amazing too, very little gabble now, unless she is talking on the phone, and she has beautiful manners compared to other children (some) that i know, always uses please and thank you, sometimes needs a wee reminder, but is generally pretty good at it, just have to teach her "excuse me" because she is constantly butting in, one step at a time!!!

I unfortunatly had one of my cats put to sleep on Monday, it was heart wrenching for me to make that decision, and i hated the idea of it (still do) but she had been ill for a while, the vets was costing a small fortune, and she just wasnt getting any better, had even stopped grooming herself, she was so vulnerable to all the other neighbourhood cats, but hated being inside all the time, the last straw for me was when she was attacked by a neighbours cat and scratched right on her eye, it got infected (esp with this heat!) very very quickly and she was in a lot of pain, that and everything else that was wrong with her, basically made the decision for me. but i hate the feeling that i had, i hate that i made the decision to effectively kill one of my beloved family members, it really hurts me that i couldnt do anything more for her. sux.

ive eaten nothing but shit for the past week, pizza twice, loads of white starchy carbs, chocolate, chips, lollies, ive been very silly, and regretted every bit i have put in my mouth, but havent been able to stop myself, however i went food shopping yesterday, did not buy lollies, or chocolate, or chips, god fruit and veggies and salad, healthy muesli bars, yoghurts, lean meat (apart from chicken wings) and basmati rice. $102 was my shopping bill for the week, at a more expensive supermarket too (countdown) as pak n save was blocked by an accident. i feel bloated i feel gross, my skin is disgusting, my hair is horrid (however i have an appt on Sunday - cant wait! pamper session!!!)

so yes, im hoping for a much easier and better week from today, im hoping to be back in a couple of days with a more positive and upbeat post.

xxx

Happy Anniversary Hun!!! xxx

2007-02-12T09:19:00.000+13:00

Yep, its our first Wedding Anniversary today, also its 6 years to the very day we met. So a very special occasion!

Its been a year full of ups and downs, (that i do not blog about, i keep my relationship private) but we have worked together and im happy that this year brings a fresh new start, and we just cannot wait to get on with life and build a future for ourselves and our children.

I cannot believe (looking back at photos of our wedding, and talking to people) how much i have changed in just one short year, I am a lot healthier in mind and body, im 10 kg lighter at the moment than i was on the day of my wedding, i think differently, i act differently, and i find all of this a very positive thing. it means with everything i learn, i grow mentally, i take on the things i am taught and i act on them. i find it healing.

We had a lovely weekend, my SIL & BIL arrived yesterday morning to take their children back, and they offered to have Kaylee for the afternoon too, which i gratefully accepted, so Darryl, Olivia and I went to a friends wedding overlooking the Manukau Harbour, was just stunning, the rain held out too, the ceremony was beautiful, it was an Indian/NZ wedding, and the Sari's were devine!

Unfortunatly Olivia started playing up a bit once the Ceremony was over (had a VERY unsettled day with her yesterday) so waiting around at the hall for an hour before the bride and groom arrived just wasnt going to happen unfortunatly, so we went for a drive to settle her and arrived up to the spot where we got married (North Head reserve in Devonport) where we watched a guy jump off the cliff parachuting and kids sliding down the hill on strips of cardboard and familys having picnics and people relaxing, was just lovely.

Then we decided to make the most of Kaylee being looked after and we went to Lonestar in Takapuna for dinner, i had my favourite Apache fish and salad, and Darryl had the lovely looking (but i wont try because i dont eat mushrooms!) Jonny Cash Stash (i can see Emily drooling from here!) i got my meal small portioned and Darryl should of! haha it was HUGE! he brought heaps of it home with him for lunch today! then of course as it was our Anniversary dinner we couldnt go past desert (which we both couldnt finish!) and i got an amazing Jack Daniels hot choc fudge pudding and Darryl got the compulsary Kahlua and Moro bar cheesecake! seemed a shame leaving half of it behind, but we just couldnt do it! haha

From our wedding ceremony...

...Marriage is the ultimate in sharing for two souls whose parallel presence walks beside them, sharing their passions, their enjoyment of each other, supporting them in their individual pursuits as well as their joint ones. It is being a friend, encouraging and assisting one another if necessary, along a journey of love; with the happiness and strength of a true, loyal and committed partner. Marriage is two, who compliment one another well, mingling and sharing; both having the dedication to stay open to one another, revealing more of your inner selves and learning still more of each other's finer points along the way. It is an intimate adventure with this most special person....

Summer Lovin'

2007-02-10T14:10:00.000+13:00

Wow its a scorcher here in Auckland! our inside temp gauge is reading 30 outside (in the shade) and 33 inside! thats with all the doors and windows open and the fan going full tit!

You know the poo story from the other day? had another incident the day before yesterday, you think it couldnt get any worse than before? well think again.... nuff said!

Kaylee however, apart from the poo incidents is doing SOOOO well at Toilet Training, she was even dry in her over night nappy this morning! after a 12 hour sleep! we were much impressed!

I have a busy weekend ahead, we are looking after our Neice and Nephew (aged 2 and 4 respectively) for the weekend while their parents are away at a wedding, so its a bit different for them having never stayed away from Mum and Dad before, and its a little bit full on having a couple more kids in the house i tell you! cant say im too keen on having 4 kids myself at any time soon.... dont think i could cope!!! but trying to keep the kids occupied/covered in sunscreen/hats on/drinking water/eating fruit/staying in the shade/not running away is a full time job almost! whew!

When the kids parents arrive back in the morning they are taking Kaylee home with them and Darryl, Olivia and I are off to a wedding in the afternoon/evening, so that should be nice, its in a park, so i hope there will be a fair amount of shade and a little cooler! im sure i will sweat like buggery in whatever i will be wearing though.... its pretty stiffling out there!

still havent sold my car which is a bugger... but the new car we have is now warranted so i can drive that around and we can more actively promote my car for sale.

Now im about to dive into a nice watermelon that is sitting in my fridge.... ohhh yummm!!!

Toilet Training....

2007-02-07T21:27:00.000+13:00

Oh My GODDDDDD shes got it!! we have success! only 1 accident today. It has all been her own doing, she doesnt even tell us that she is going, she just goes!!! (we can tell by the dribble on the seat afterwards.... i will teach her to clean up after herself later on down the track.... shes doing WEEEEES on the toilet!)

Very exciting times in our house i tell you!

but nothing else is really going on.... just been trying to keep cool, its damn hot!

Nectarines are my fave food of the month, they are just SO nice at the moment! ive gone through so much in the last couple of weeks, they are so cheap!

2 year olds!!

2007-02-05T15:12:00.000+13:00

They are a unique creature are they not? haha

if you have an aversion (is that the right word?) to poo, i suggest you skip a couple of paragraphs!)

Friday saw success with Kaylee doing a poo on the toilet!! Very exciting time it was for us, especially since she did it all by herself without me knowing, she was of course, very proud of herself too.

Today however was another story... picture Mummy walking into Kaylees bedroom to put Kaylee back into bed (she plays up a little at nap time) picture Kaylee sitting there, big grin on her face, no clothes on, no nappy on, room smells funny... Kaylee tells Mummy shes done a poo in her nappy so she took the nappy off... Mummy then sees poos on the carpet, poos on the bed, poos on the wall, poos on the door.... Mummy isnt really too happy... so Mummy runs a bath, puts Kaylee into bath, Mummy rings Daddy to get Daddy to calm Mummy down a bit, tells Mummy that she can do this and be strong, Mummy cleans up bedroom, washes Kaylee, Kaylee escape bath, runs around wet and nudey, Mummy doesnt really care, Mummy is chatting to Kate on the internet, needs to cool down a bit! Mummy comes off the computer, finds dog toys in the toilet, Mummy rescues dog toys, cleans them then throws them outside with the dog, Mummy settles Olivia who is now crying, finds tennis balls in the toilet, rescues, cleans and throws tennis balls outside, back to settle Olivia, now finds toilet rolls in the toilet, ewww plastic bag and rubber gloves come in handy here, Mummy then dresses Kaylee, puts both girls back to bed...

now there is finally silence....

Moral of the story?

Dont do food shopping when you have your period and are all hormonal, hungry and pissed off (last night) because you spend way too much, you forget a lot, and you end up with chocolate, icecream and toffee pops, which i have to say, are all coming in very handy right now. :)

more money! :)

2007-01-31T12:59:00.000+13:00

first of all i will do this for Karen :)

Four things about me:
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Door to Door insurance sales rep (no shit! it sucked!)
2. Supermarket Butchery shelf filler upper!
3. Receptionist
4. Accounts Payable

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Grease
2. The Shawshank Redemption
3. Forest Gump
4. Number 2

C) Four places I have lived:
1. Auckland
2. Ruakaka
3. Ruawai
4. Edgecumbe

D) Four favourite TV shows:
1. Shortland St
2. ALL the CSIs (and bones etc LOVE forensics!)
3. Ugly Betty (i love it! she reminds me of ME!)
4. The Amazing Race

E) Four of my favourite foods:
1. Sushi
2. Crayfish
3. Fresh Summer fruit
4. Chicken

F) Four places I would rather be right now:
1.
2.
3.
4. Nowhere, i like it just where i am right now :)

ok, back to MONEY! ive had a quick looksie at the website Lil provided yesterday, pretty cool! i havent had time to have a good browse, but will do very soon.

i have purchased a new car today.... $800! bargain! bit scary for me, going from a flash (well i think so!) expensive (well... was when i brought it! haha) car, to a older putty bomb do up, we havent picked it up yet, and it does need a few things done to it, but Darryl knows these cars (Nissans) like the back of his hands, he loves them, so wont take much at all to do up. its pretty funky actually i think! i will show you a pic when i get it, we are hoping to pick it up tomorrow (and REALLY hoping that my car does actually sell on Saturday! you never know with people!)

Yesterday i changed power providers, i went to this website
http://www.consumer.org.nz/powerswitch/default.asp?bhcp=1
and worked out that im paying a lot more than what i need to be, so i changed! the saving is pretty substantial, over $500 a year, thats a lot of money!

i dont know if i have mentioned it or now, but this year i am doing pak n save Christmas club vouchers, $10 a time, will eventually add up and at the end of the year will definitely help at what is for most people a very hard time.

its been a hard slog getting my food bill down to under $100 a week, sure sometimes i will go less, sometimes a bit more, depends on what we NEED at the time (and if i have Darryl with me!) what i do is work out a food plan for the week, write down every ingrediant needed for those meals, delete out what i already have in the cupboard/fridge/freezer, and add in any cleaning products, toothpaste, soap, toiletpaper etc that we may need. then what i do is put it all into www.woolworths.co.nz just like im doing online shopping (sure the specials between the supermarkets change, but it gives you a fair idea) i put in everything that we want/need, then look at the total, keeping in mind that i still need around $30 for my fruit and veggies, from there i take out any non essentials (sorry Darryl, coke is no longer essential!) and how we can replace some ingrediants with other cheaper ingrediants (still keeping in mind nutritional value) takes a bit of fiddling, but really does make you think as to what is essential and what isnt, also gets you back to eating basic, easy, healthy meals, and makes you get a bit more creative in the kitchen! then i print out the list that i have created, and go to Pak N Save, which is of course cheaper than wollies, and ALWAYS take a calculator! do however keep in mind that we dont smoke (so that adds on a heap to your foodbill!) we hardly drink, and at the moment its just Darryl, myself and Kaylee who eat food, Olivia is fully breastfed and probably will stay that way for at least the next few months.

in the next few days im giving up my beloved broadband and going back to dialup... ok not so much a big deal, and definitely not a necessity (imo if you are on the bones of your arse and its either non essential bills or food, then the internet must go, $16 a month for dialup may seem a small amount, but when you think you can get 16 loaves of bread for that.... when it comes to feeding your family that is a lot!)

thats all from me today, whats the bet im boring the pants off ya! :)

Money

2007-01-30T08:26:00.000+13:00

First of all i have to have a mini ARGH moment... ive just hung out a washing line full of clothing... and it is raining... DUH me for not checking out the weather forcast!

Thanks for your comments on the pics, no they arent wearing the same outfit, but i do love my gorgeous girls, Kaylee this morning has been amazing, before she left with Darryl this morning she was just so lovely and sweet (lets hope she comes home from Kindy like this!) she come out to me while i was hanging out the washing and i bent down to her, she held my cheeks and gave me a kiss, said byebye mummy, i love you! gave a little wave and off she went, ahhhhhhhh *gush* such the stuff memories are made of!

Money, ohhhh yes, the stuff you either love, or hate, hate to love or love to hate, but you gotta have it, you need it to survive in todays modern world.

for those of you who dont know, we are taking an increase in bills and a decrease in income... which basically means unless i get drastic NOW we are going to be in the shit bigtime, BUT its completely for the best, and we WILL get there! i have cut down SO much, im very amazed at myself, so far i have got my food bill down to $100 a week (thats $30 on meat, $30 on vege and fruit - its amazing how much $30 for fruit and vege actually is, i got 2 full bags the other day for $15! - and $40 on misc grocery items, and its actually really easy to do, buy on special, buy in bulk, think about your meals, buy in season, now before you say "well duh, it is pretty easy to do" this is coming from a household who used to quite happily spend $200-$300 Per WEEK on groceries.... we spend $15 every 3 weeks on nappies for Kaylee and use cloth on Olivia, so no probs there with cost apart from the washing liquid we use which costs about $8 and lasts us 3-4 months. incase your wondering, im putting all of this on here so i have something to look back on. ive pretty much sold my car (dammit! im gunna miss my baby!) for $11,000 so that is $11,000 worth of debt that will be very soon gone, we have our eye on a car which is just under $2000, so we will own that outright, no more car payments coming out of our account, (but dammit im gunna miss my baby!)

its amazing how you get used to a certain lifestyle, and it does take a while to adjust to change, just like when you start a new diet really, you get used to doing things a certain way, but situations change and so you have to aswell, but i think for me its a huge learning curve, and over the last couple of months i have grown a lot and learnt so much. and i hope that maybe others can learn from me.

we are consolidating all our debt today, which means paying off the visas and the little loan we have, and paying it back in lump sums sooner with less interest, (why didnt we do it sooner? i really dont know!) we got used to living good, and when it come to a stage where we couldnt afford to still live extravagently, we still did, but its a bit of a culture shock when the money runs out. makes you really stretch that last wee cent. ive discovered at our local fruit and vege shop, they have 2 x 2L milks for $5 (instead of about $4 each at the supermarket) they also have $1 loaves of bread (instead of nearly $3) and $4 trays of eggs (instead of $4 for a dozen) the other day when i went F&V shopping, i got 500g of plums, 500g of nectarines, 500g of tomatos, a cucumber, 2 lettuces, 2 x milk, bread, carrots, potatos, onions, for about $16... i thought that was pretty good! they have 10c pumpkins at the moment, unfortunatly i dont eat pumpkin (ick) but im going to get a few to make a whole heap of baby food up for the freezer for when Olivia starts solids in a few months (man thats scary to think about!) that saves $1 a jar!

Browsing the internet for free samples helps too, lately i have had washing powder, toothpaste, dishwashing powder, shampoos and conditioners, moisterisers, sanitary pads, all for free, all delivered to me. its great!

im just watching out my window an aeroplane going over dropping out parachutists (we live near the airforce so get to see them do heaps of neat things) looks like heaps of fun!!

its like my new mini project, going around, seeing what else i can cut down on, what bills we no longer need, ive cut down our Telecom bill $50 a month so far, just by ringing them and talking to them about the plans we are on, i have just worked out a way to save another $50 off it (free broadband... watch this space!) i even have a few other people around me seeing the money im saving thinking, well hey, we can do this too, and its great bouncing ideas around the place.

i'll be back :)

just cos :)

2007-01-26T12:27:00.000+13:00

here is a photo of Olivia at 12 weeks and a photo of Kaylee at apprx 12 weeks

Kaylee has a cold.... so we are just keeping it quiet today, she had a great time yesterday though with Daycare in the morning and then we went to a friends for the afternoon, where we got the baby baths out filled them with bubbles and coloured water, put shaving foam and food colouring on a plastic table and let them go for it, so much fun (and mess!) she is now meant to be eating her lunch, but she is doing "tippee toes" ballet to Barney... i love watching her little mind tick over and her wee thought process happen, cracks me up!

im pretty tired right now, not getting too much sleep as its either Kaylee or Olivia up and down all night, im hoping to eventually get a few nights in a row of good sleeps, would help! but hey, it all comes with being a parent doesnt it, cant really complain too much, just have to be careful.

just had a wee 4 week old come and visit, only 6pds born, so still very little and gorgeous! scary that Olivia used to be that small!

They grow up so fast, cherish every day :)

Kia Ora!

2007-01-23T15:18:00.000+13:00

im still around! still doing alright! :)

just pretty busy busy, which is good, but tiring but great! Im loving all the social engagements that i have on. and ive been a little ill too, but something very minor, nothing to write home about at all.

ive come to the conclusion that im addicted to sugar, chocolate, lollies, icecreams, BAD refined sugar. so today is day 1 (apart from a hot choc this morning) of no refined sugar.... we shall see how long it lasts, i know that i will have huge withdrawls tonight, but one day at a time, other than the bad sugar though, im eating really well, lots of salads, steamed veggies, grilled meats (love bbq weather!) lots of fruits, yoghurts, smoothies (home made of course), just have to get the sugar under control.

i havent done any scrapbooking in yonks... just not in the mood for it at the moment, when im not in the mood i make mistakes, mistakes cost too much money, we have no money, no room for mistakes :)

ive been sewing a wee bit, but my machine has to go back to Spotlight for them to have a look at it, its skipping stiches and i have tried everything to get it working properly, nothing works, therefor its not me, but the machine. im loving sewing though, especially sewing my own nappies for Olivia, costs around $6 per nappy, rather than $20-$30 per nappy to buy one new.

Kaylee is great, toilet training sux, shes back in nappies for a bit, just not ready i think, we WILL get there! she loves Kindy (daycare) just adores it.

Olivia is great, she sleeps sometimes through the night, usually wakes once a night though, i can handle that, she went through a stage of staying awake, which meant i wasnt sleeping... so hence why im watching what i eat so much more, what i eat affects her, so i have to be careful.

being a mum is cool, being Carla is cool, being a wife is cool, life in general is good.

my car is for sale :( i love my car so much, but right now, we cant afford to keep it, so if you know of anyone wanting a 99 Caldina GTT wagon, send them my way would ya? bargain! haha

im scheming, i have plans... one day at a time, watch this space

i have no idea what i weigh, and i like that... i know im big, but right now that doesnt matter, what matters is me keeping healthy, eating healthy and maintaining my milk supply for Olivia. Every time i "diet" i get depressed, i feel crap, i look crap, i just get blah. im determined not to feel that way this year.

Enjoy the pics, (yes that is Kaylee with foundation on... no it hasnt come out of that top yet...) dont forget to wear your sunscreen lotion.... its burny out there.

xxx

Birthday!

2007-01-11T11:11:00.000+13:00

Yesterday i turned the ripe ol age of 25! yep im only 25! im sure i act a lot older sometimes, i have to remember that 25 is not that old at all! infact its still ALMOST teenage years (PMSL!)

i got completely spoilt, starting on Tuesday night when Darryl came home with a live Crayfish for me to devour for my dinner, ohhhh it was heaven!!! (my yearly birthday treat is my cray!) then yesterday morning Darryls sister came over for the day with hot chocolates and muffins and some beautiful shampoo, conditioner and hairspray (if you dont know this already i am such the hair product FREAK!), then i got a parcel in the mail from my mother with a little sewing kit in it, which is JUST what i was after for my newfound craft, and when Darryl got home i got a beautiful card (brought wee tears to my eyes it did!) from him, a card from the girls and a voucher for Rodney Wayne (my hairsalon) to get a cut and colour done! YAY! ive been holding out to get my hair coloured for MONTHS! then Darryls parents came over with Kebabs for dinner and they gave me a nice necklace. so i got absolutly spoilt rotten! had a million phone calls, emails and texts and just had a wonderful birthday! usually im passed by a wee bit, but this year i just felt great to be one year older!

Im having a BBQ on the weekend to celebrate too, im REALLY looking forward to kicking back and having a few drinks (have my breastpump back now, so i can enjoy a wine or 2!) we have lots of our close friends coming over and some new friends too, HEAPS of kids, so it should be fun!

the weather is meant to be crap today... i have a washing line full of clothing in the bright sun... just thought id mention that! lol

oh, also, the neighbours with the backpack? if you remember! lol they moved (not sure if im repeating myself or not, oh well!) so the pack finally came off the line, all the neighbours trees have been cut down, which means a huge amount of light is now coming into our kitchen and living area, its great! we also have new neighbours, but i havent met them yet.

Christmas eve/Christmas day/Boxing day pics

2007-01-08T10:07:00.000+13:00

our beautiful bubbalu

had to wear all her new things all at once!

Kaylee LOVES her trampoline!

Our beautiful Kaylee

Olivia and myself

Family shot

Olivia with her Aunty Adele (my sister)

should be doing dishes.....

2007-01-06T18:28:00.000+13:00

lol but im sitting on here instead! hell! why not!

Thinking about signing up to Mystery Shopping..... could be fun... could be dull..... wont know until i try i guess! i did it a few years ago, with a different company, and it sucked, but this company profiles different companies, so can only but try!

Darryl is away today Drag Racing, i hope he had fun, the girls and i just stayed home and im getting Olivia into a lovely routine now, i like knowing where i stand and for me, routine is good.

Kaylee is obsessed with undressing her Strawberry Shortcake doll then getting mummy to put the clothes back on, she comes up saying "Help you Mummy" meaning 'help me' lol still hasnt got it yet, but every day her speech becomes clearer.

still no luck with Toilet training, Kaylee gets so upset when her knickers get wet that she is now getting upset when i try to put knickers on her because she knows they will get wet (if that makes sense) and of course i want to make TT as easy on her as possible and i dont think this is the way, we wil get there i am sure!

im loving my sewing machine, have sewn up some wipes and a nappy booster today, i like loosing myself in something, whether it be scrapbooking, sewing, reading, sudoku, it helps clear my mind, i like that.

Its my birthday next week, usually i just let it go by... this year im celebrating, why the hell not i say! so we are having a bbq on Saturday night, lots of people are coming (or meant to be... i dont have the best track record for people turning up!) and im determined to enjoy my birthday and my bbq. 25 i will be, for some seems so young, for some seems so old, for me, seems just right :)

this year is the year dedicated to me, being a mother, wife, sister, aunty, daughter, granddaughter, neice, friend (drinking buddy! haha), and just being able to be me. im determined to get my stress levels back down, my fashion sense back up, and just be free to be myself.

Amen :)

Hello Lovelies!!

2007-01-04T19:26:00.000+13:00

and a Happy New Years to you all!

things have been trucking along quite nicely here, and i really dont know where to start to be honest! lol but i guess i will start at Christmas day :)

Christmas day was lovely, Kaylee wasnt interested too much in opening presents, she just wanted to play on her new Trampoline (we showed it to her the previous night) but of course her and Olivia were spoilt rotten and ive been trying so hard ever since to find space for the new stuff! lol we only have a little house with no storage! :) it was a lovely day, we opened presents in the morning (my Mum, her partner and my sister were up) and then had a lovely breakfast of pancakes and fruit, then we pottered around home making salads etc and went up to Darryls parents for late lunch/early dinner, HEAPS of food, salads, cold meats, hot veggies, hot meats, and desserts to be proud of! :) was a cool day with the kids having a great time and the adults eating way too much! (we went back on Boxing day and at the leftovers!) Then on Boxing day Mum, Terry and Adele went home taking Kaylee with them and i stayed on up here for a couple more nights, then Olivia and I went down the Thursday before New Years and Darryl joined us on the Saturday, we came back home yesterday after having a lovely time away, shopping and blobbing! very nice indeed.

I was lucky enough to get a new Sewing Machine for Christmas and last night i sewed up my first creation, a skirt for Kaylee, its pretty cute :) i havent used a sewing machine since college, so i had to find my way around it again! like jumping back on a horse really :) so i cant wait to get creating, making my own nappies, wipes, a quilt each for the girls, clothing for the girls and ME! :) heaps of fun!!

i havent made any New Years resolutions as such, i never bloody stick to them, so didnt see a point getting into that! all i want for this year is to stay healthy, raise my beautiful children well, and keep happy, because i think im pretty damn happy right now, its nice, its not until you really are happy that you realise that you really werent happy, im meeting HEAPS of new people whom i am lucky to call friends, every week i meet someone new almost, and its GREAT! im not self conscious anymore about what people think, i let them see ME for who i am, and they like ME and appreciate ME and thats pretty cool i think!

im loving this Summer too, its just great for Kaylee to get out in the sunshine, tomorrow we will set up the paddling pool and the sprinkler for her, so im hoping she will enjoy that!

Kaylee is just great, very determined and stubborn, but we are working through that, she is talking clearer every day and learning more every day too, its great to see her little mind ticking over! we just have to start toilet training her i think, may give it a go tomorrow, i will stay home all day with her and see what happens!

Olivia is great as well, she started sleeping right through the night at mums, but last night being our first night at home she was incredibly unsettled (the car ride does it i think) hopefully tonight she will be back into sleeping right through again. she is growing so fast, 10 weeks old tomorrow! we get amazing grins from her and she coos and gaas away, its so sweet!

4 more sleeps until Santa comes!

2006-12-21T11:07:00.001+13:00

ohhh how exciting Christmas is in our house this year! but to be honest this year im a bit over it and ready to start the New Year!

Olivia has been unsettled the last few days, not even sleeping during the day, going to sleep in the early hours of the morning at night, so i have been surviving on not much! but all of a sudden, last night she went to sleep at 10.30pm, i didnt go to bed until later (dumbass!) thinking that she would wake again, but no, she slept until 6am! OMG BLISSSSS! she woke at 6, went down at 7, woke again at 9.30 for Plunket to come and visit and weigh her, and back asleep again at 10.30, its now 11.11am and she is still asleep! yay! It makes all the difference to my sanity, i tell you!

Ive come to the conclusion that Olivia is intolerant of Disposable nappies (weird aye!) every time i put her in one, she gets a rash, but put her in cloth and the rash goes away and stays away! Synthetic fabrics dont agree with her either, even if its a cool day she sweats so badly in them! i call Olivia my "sensitive" one as she just seems so much more vulnerable (for lack of a better word) than Kaylee ever did! She is just so damn cute though, huge smiles and goos and gaas, just lovely! She just adores Kaylee, follows her (with her eyes of course) all around the room, watches every move she does, she just loves her! Kaylee is very doting with Olivia too, finds her a dummy when she cries and loves hugging her, very nice indeed!

I have a pedicure and facial appt tomorrow, OMG i cant wait! my skin is just so crap, i cannot get it clear for the life of me, i have tried SO much and spent SO much money on it, but yet i still have blackheads and pimples and blemishes, i just hate it! i do hope though that the appt is at a quiet time and not when the neighbours trees are getting cut down (they are using our driveway, only fair since we asked them to cut the trees down! haha) the backpack on the washing line is finally gone.... only because they moved! i am pretty sure it was on the line for 3 months!

I decided at 8.30 last night that i was going to go to the Warehouse, i needed to get out of the house on my own, so i left Darryl to it and off i went, OMG it was SO busy, the whole carpark was full, i did a lot of people observing, and i come to the conclusion that there are some very weird people out there..... i cant explain too much (you never know whos reading!) but whoa.... never seen a crowd like it before!

Anyway, this is probably my last post before Christmas and New Year, So have a very Wonderful happy Christmas and a Safe and fun New Years!!

CHEERS!

xxx

4 more sleeps until Santa comes!

2006-12-21T11:07:00.000+13:00

Its the most wonderful time of the year!!

2006-12-10T18:47:00.000+13:00

I LOVE Christmas, its my favourite time of the year, and its so much more special this year spending it with my 2 beautiful girls! haha Kaylee cracks me up daily, "Merry Mismas" she yells all around the house! Oh yes and Kaylee helped us to put the decorations on the tree, lmao... very pretty indeed!

They are learning all about Christmas at daycare, so she is picking up a lot this year, last year she didnt have a clue, she just liked all the presents!!

HEAPS going on around here, im trying to get heaps of bills payed, but at the same time save money, but at the same time get ready for Christmas, lmao, hmmm not working too well! All i need to do now is get the 8x10 photos printed for the Grandparents and Christmas is all done! easy! apart from food of course... Darryls family being Darryls family, they tend to take their time on decisions about who brings what, ive been asking for weeks, i will probably be told just before Christmas day... lol ahhh well :)

im trying to work out ways to save money, because come February we will be taking a bit of an increase in bills and a decrease in pay... (all for a good reason... watch this space) so im trying to be proactive now in cutting down now to help later, one thing i am going to do is put Olivia in Cloth Nappies, now i know i have talked about this in the past, and even trialled it on Kaylee, there is absolutly nothing wrong with cloth, i like them, find them pretty, i just didnt continue with them with Kaylee for various reasons (which im not going into here) So i have just purchased a few online, and will continue to purchase some more, especially ones that will last from NB (aka now) until 18mths, they have funky domes that you can make them any size you need, so that and the cloth wipes that i will use (go to spotlight and get a heap of flannelette and cut them up!) will save me around $20PW on nappies and wipes. we have cut our sky bill right back to the minimal (we dont have a TV arial at all) $38 a month and i have made changes to our phone bill (internet bill changes to happen soon) i just need to get our food bill a bit more under control and i think we will manage.

one of the main reasons for all these changes and scrimpings is that i really want to keep Kaylee where she is if at all possible for as long as possible, she is LOVING day care, it is so good for her, me and Olivia, it gives Kaylee the extra stimulation with other children and adults, provides her with activities that i couldnt do with her and i have noticed a HUGE difference in Kaylees social skills already.

I got my haircut today, SOOOO much better, i have been holding out since Olivia was born and it just got to the stage where it was so yuk! so i feel ALOT nicer! hehe and ive also booked myself a wee Christmas present, on the friday before Christmas im getting a pedicure and facial! ohhhh yummmm i cant wait!

update :)

2006-12-04T08:50:00.000+13:00

Sisterly love, isnt it adorable!

Hello! long time no speak! lol its been a busy ol' week in the house of Carla.

Kaylee came home from kindy on Thursday and wasnt really too good, shes picked up a wonderful Diarreah and vomiting bug, OH YAY! but its weird because it isnt full on diarreah and vomiting, its just once a day for each (and no vomiting at all yesterday) and it only seems to be at night! weird! so its been all fun and games in our house with A LOT of washing being done! (because its done at night in bed, thank GOD for underlays!) So anyway it just seems like she has a little virus and there really isnt anything else we can do apart from give her bland food and heaps of water. So no kindy for Kaylee this week, and probably lots of DVDs!

I just talked to the healthline people on the phone, ive never rung them before, wow so helpful!! i will be ringing back in a few weeks once Kaylee is 100% again to get help with her eating, great service!

lol she is sitting on the couch watching love to sing, singing 'Rere Atu' at the top of her voice, getting most of the words wrong, but its very cute!

Saturday i expressed off a whole heap of milk and went out shopping ON MY OWN! it was lovely! and wow so easy without bags, pushchairs, carseats, mischief 2 year olds! i went looking for a gift for my MW as she is discharging me today (NO FAIR!) and found a gorgeous Rimu memory box with room for a photo on the top with Paua surrounding it, just lovely and something i would love so i didnt mind giving it as a gift!

We did a fair bit of getting ready for Christmas on the weekend, getting gifts sorted and working out what to get people, we are keeping it very light this year on gifts, it just gets too expensive, but we are spending a bit on Kaylee this year, buying her a trampoline, she will just LOVE IT! it will be put up on Christmas eve so that she will see it on Christmas morning, we found a lovely gift for Olivia that was on special at the warehouse, so thats her done, and ive decided that all the grandparents for their gifts are going to get a lovely framed photo of Kaylee and Olivia, nice and cheap to do, but very special. now to take the photo! haha

ive been stocking up on little gifts throughout the year, so apart from getting the trampoline, its not working out too badly, id be SO stuck if i had to start christmas shopping now! i have a couple of business gift baskets to make up next week, and one more thing to get for my neice and nephew and something for my sisters and brother, (am thinking of getting them a Prezzie card from the post shop, cool idea!) and then i am definitely done, apart from Darryl, but he gets the same thing every year, lol, he always wants a CD of some sort and a couple of nice TShirts, i always throw a wee surprise in there too though!

I cant wait for Christmas day this year, Mum, Terry and Adele are staying with us, so Christmas morning its presents first, then breakfast (Pancakes, bacon, maple syrup and fresh fruit this year) then lots of playing with all the toys! haha and then off up to Darryls parents, HUGE family Christmas with mine and Darryls familys and a couple of other familys joining in too, heaps of cold meats, salads, desserts, drinks, yummmmmm cant wait!

i LOVE LOVE LOVE this time of year! we are getting our tree next week, for the past few years we have used a fake one, (i have allergies) but this year, as i love a real tree so much, we are going for real, so next week we are off to the tree farm to get our tree! cant wait!

1 month old

2006-11-28T15:58:00.000+13:00

yep Olivia turned 1 month old yesterday, isnt it amazing how fast time has flown??

the days are still melting into each other to be honest and im still trying to find the balance between Olivia/Kaylee/business/housework/Darryl. Olivia feeds non stop, a lot of it is comfort, so i am using a dummy, (blardy godsend! shite my nipples hurt some days!) and i am doing a bit of expressing every day too to top her up before bed at night, and it seems to work well with Olivia sleeping around 6 hours in a row.

Today has been an unsettled day unfortunatly with Olivia going to bed for the first time at around 2pm, its now 4pm and i have NO intention of waking her, not after the constant feeding and crying that has been today!

kaylee is having a ball at kindy, the teachers were telling me today that they had music and she really got into it dancing and singing, had a great time (we do this at home too, she loves it! but they have cool musical instruments at kindy too) so im really happy that she has settled in well,

unfortunatly Kaylee has not eaten in 2 days (and counting!) its really hard as a mother seeing your child not eat, it makes me feel so dreadful and like a complete failure, i have NO idea why she is doing this, apart from being totally stubborn! BUT we will persevere and still serve her up exactly what we all eat and we are hoping that eventually she will start to eat again soon.

we arent being unreasonable in our requests for her to eat, we arent putting down dreadfully discusting food or anything like that! for example a days worth of (offered!) food usually consists of: Breakfast - Weetbix and pureed fruit or ricebubbles and yoghurt or toast and yoghurt, Morning tea - Rice wheels (they are flavoured rice crisps made by healtheries) or/and muesli bar or/and yoghurt (depending on if she had one with breakfast or not), Lunch - sandwhich (vegemite or cheese usually) a peice of fruit (she NEVER eats fruit or veggies at the moment unless pureed and hidden! its so hard! but i still offer!) and a few other bits and bobs depending on what we have in the house, Dinner - last night was chicken drumsticks, a bit of rice risotto and a pasta salad from the supermarket (easy slap up dinner!) tonight its going to be mince chowmein, i am HOPING that being mince she will at least try it! see this is where our frustration kicks in, its not like she is trying the food and not liking it, she is not even attempting ONE bite! not one! if she only tried half the stuff we KNOW that she would enjoy it!

Kindy arent having much luck either unfortunatly, she point blank refuses morning tea (fruit and then once they finish 3 peices of fruit they can have a plain bikkie) and very rarely even attempts lunch (today it was vegetarian burgers - they are a vegetarian daycare - she just ate the bread around the burger!) so she does get offered good food at most if not all of her meals! its a very rare occasion where she gets mcdonalds or takeaways, and even then she only nibbles at a few chips and nuggets, im surprised she is growing at the rate she is, lol its not food doing it thats for sure!

anyway, just needed to vent a little bit, its all so frustrating!

lol we joke that the waste disposal gets fed better than Kaylee at the moment, it gets all her meals!

week 3 pics

2006-11-24T17:30:00.000+13:00

can you believe Olivia is 4 weeks old today!! man time flys! but ohhh so in love i am with my wee baby! and lately even more in love (is that possible??) with kaylee too, its so nice to have fantastic children!!

Things are really busy around here lately, i havent been reading as many blogs as i have wanted to, and making even less comments on the ones i have got around to, please dont think im ignoring you!! haha im just FULL ON! Definitely silly season time methinks! I havent even got out the thankyou cards yet for Olivias gifts! i have them all written out, now just up to the addressing stage, lol its taken me a week to get this far!!!! between christmas, the business and being a new mum again, wow not much time at the moment! but im actually quite enjoying being busy i must say!

plodding along

2006-11-21T10:09:00.000+13:00

Im slowly finding my way into a routine, hopefully i can get Olivia into a more regular pattern with feeding and sleeping, she seems to feed lately every hour and a half, which is just shitloads! so i have been using the dummy a lot with her to try and drag out the time more and then she gets a longer bigger feed which fills her up for longer (thats the idea anyway!) she is doing pretty well at night still, i think i am lucky there, she only really wakes once or twice a night, depending on what time we all go to bed.

My MW is coming this afternoon so we will see what Olivia weighs, im sure she has put on heaps, shes getting quite chubby!

im feeling terrible today, very nausious, blah, hopefully i will feel better soon, why i think im nausious is because yesterday i DID NOT STOP EATING! OMG i ate and ate and ate like i have never seen food before, i tried to stick to sandwhiches and fruit and cereal, but potato chips, mallowpuffs and icecream got a say too.... i feel so foul today! i was just HUNGRY, however today, i have only just had a bowl of cereal, but i feel so ill im definitely not hungry!

Kaylee is back at Kindy today! yesterday when Darryl dropped her off she barely battered an eyelid, waved him byebye and set about playing, they told me when i went to pick her up that she was quite shy and quiet, (which is very normal for Kaylee anyway, around strangers) but she seemed to enjoy herself, this morning when Darryl dropped her off she went straight to an activity with some other children and waved Darryl byebye and set about to it, no qualms at all about staying there and quite happy for him to leave, YAY!! so i had a lovely lie in this morning with Olivia, Darryl got Kaylee ready and only woke me so i could tie Kaylees hair up (he tried, but couldnt... he needs to practise! haha) so im so happy and so relieved that Kaylee is enjoying Kindy, and i was pretty glad she wasnt here this morning to be honest when i smashed a glass all over the kitchen floor.... it shattered and took forever to clean up! i can imagine a nosey 2 year old making it all the more harder!!

im having a bad hair day... so desperate for a haircut!!

my sleeping babies :)

2006-11-17T15:42:00.000+13:00

taken this afternoon, i had Olivia asleep in the sling i was wearing and Kaylee in bed, so quiet and peaceful and innocent!!!!

took Kaylee for a visit to daycare today, i had to go out of the room for a bit and do some paperwork, and when i came back i watched Kaylee play, she thought i wasnt there and was having a great time, so i dont have any problems at all leaving her there, put my mind at ease completely, she didnt want to come home!!!!

its so damned muggy! im trying to find a balance for Olivia between nice and cool, but still warm, if that makes sense, at the moment she is just in a bodysuit, nothing else and has been so since lunchtime, if i put anything else on her she sweats! but im "wearing" her in the sling at the moment so she is warm enough beside me, but not sweating at all, but i wont be wearing her all the time! its great though because im hands free while still holding her!

we have no plans for this weekend, Darryl is probably working tomorrow, but thats ok, hopefully once he gets home he can help me with the housework, its such a pigsty here at the moment, ive vacuumed most of the house daily, but a couple of the bedrooms need a good going over and some more windows need washing, so thats my boring plan for this weekend! haha

hope you enjoy yours, whatever you may be doing!

Weight off my shoulders :)

2006-11-16T15:08:00.000+13:00

Sometimes it just takes a good vent or sob to relieve yourself, i always feel SO much better after i have got it all out, my frustrations never seem as big and overwhelming and i can gain perspective again.

Thank you all so much for your messages and emails yesterday, i really do appreciate it, and im feeling heaps better today, actually things have been pretty productive around here!

Darryl got home last night with information for a daycare down the road from where he works, the wife of one of the guys he works for, got on the phone and rang a couple of daycares and found out that this daycare had an opening, 3 mornings per week, i felt a wee bit embarressed that she had done this, not because it was someone doing something i should of been doing, (LOL!) but because i had rang all the daycares around where i live, not thinking outside the square and thinking of somewhere close to where Darryl is based, i really didnt think about that, i just thought about my own travel! whereas with this place, Kaylee will go Monday, Tuesday and Thursdays from 7.30 - 12pm, Darryl can drop her off on the way to work and i will pick her up again, but it means i have those 3 mornings free to spend with Olivia, to go shopping, out for coffee (stress free!), have some ME time etc, KNOWING that Kaylee is safe, and secure and having a great time!

When we pulled up to the daycare today, Kaylees eyes boggled at the play areas, the waterplay, the paints, the crafts, the books and toys and of course the other children, she was going around saying "ohhh wow!" and really taking it all in, Darryl and her popped in yesterday for a wee bit, and we will also pop in tomorrow for a longer visit so she can get used to the teachers (who are SO lovely!) and the kids. I think it will take her a wee while to settle in, she is quite reserved, but once she makes a friend or two she is off! They provide all the food, morning tea is fruit and a plain biscuit, the only drinks they have is water (which is perfect as Water and Milk is all we give Kaylee anyway) and they provide a cooked lunch as well (vegetarian, no meat!), all included in the weekly price, so really healthy, it looked very safe and i feel SO good that we are doing this for Kaylee, she will just love it and was desperate for more interaction from children her own age. She will be able to do so much more than what i can do with her at the moment, she just loves painting and crafty things and waterplay, I did have her enrolled in a private kindy across the road from where i live, which is a lot cheaper and of course so close to home, however they only do school terms, and Kaylee probably wont be called up until January or February next year, but i am keeping her on that waiting list anyway, just to keep my options open.

So from there we went to coffeegroup at a local playgym place, Kaylee had a wonderful time on the bouncycastle, trampoline, bikes and ride on toys while i drank hotchoc and gossed with the other mums, Kaylee actually didnt want to come home! but she came home absolutly shattered, hardly ate any lunch and went to bed, i can hear her singing (ABC's) now which means she has had a 3 hour sleep, just lovely! Olivia too has been asleep for that time as well so i have been able to relax, eat, drink, tidy, wash dishes and blob on here!

Really good day, i dont feel so out of control any more!

oh and i wont be going down to mums for a few weeks yet i have decided, as we are starting Kaylee at daycare from this monday i want to get her settled and into a routine before we chop and change too much!

now i have to go shopping for some daycare clothes, lmao, things that i wont care what happens to them! Op Shop here i come!!! :D

Hard Work!

2006-11-15T10:49:00.000+13:00

It has blown me away how much hard work having 2 kids is, i have no idea how people cope with 3 or 4 under 5! I have had to change the whole way i do things and "let go" of some common habits i had, just in order to make life smoother for myself.

I have so many emotions and feelings running through me right now, from love through to anger, and its really hard trying to deal with them all, the way i am they chop and change at the drop of a hat anyway!

I really wish Darryl could take some time off work, the only day he has had off is the day that Olivia was born, so i feel like ive just been thrown in the deep end, here you go, give birth, and bang your on your own now, 2 kids, 1 who your trying to introduce into the world nicely and keep calm and quiet for, but the other who throws untold tantys, gets very jealous (something i AM working on) or very rough, but really at 2 doesnt understand the consequences for her actions, she doesnt understand why mummy is yelling all the time or crying for the rest of the time, she doesnt understand why mummy cant do anything with her anymore, when mummy is on the couch feeding bubba, she doesnt understand that i cant get up and play with her, that all i can do is read her books and put on dvds for her, i feel so useless and so terrible every time i turn on the tv to entertain her, i hate the fact that i have no energy or no creativity to do anything with her right now, i hate the fact that i can feel myself spirilling down and getting lower and deeper into depression, i want to stay off the meds, i really do, but i just cant stop the way im feeling.

So on Monday or Tuesday next week, im off down to Mums to stay for a while, my sister is nearly finished school so will be home, Mum finishes work at about 3 every day and has some days off, so i wont be so alone, its a hard feeling - lonelyness - i KNOW i have people i can call on, but i HATE inconveniancing people, i always feel like i do that when i call on someone, and i just cant add another emotion into it right now, i just need my family around me right now, and by me going away for a while it means that Darryl can catch up on all the work that is building up, he can work late and start early and it wont matter, and maybe just maybe by the time i get back, whenever that may be, he will have caught up enough and have enough money in the bank to have a few days off with me. its definitely times like these when im sad that we arent employed by someone, (we are selfemployed) that we dont have that sick pay, or parental leave, or annual leave to fall back on, because its definitely times like these when we need it.

More pics :)

2006-11-14T14:40:00.000+13:00

Pics :)

2006-11-12T21:29:00.000+13:00

Just Stuff

2006-11-11T10:38:00.000+13:00

Wow, its a little bit different having 2 children, compared to having 1! i didnt make it out to Playgroup the other day, as much as i wanted to, there were a few nights where i was getting 2-4 hours sleep tops, and i was exhausted, devestated, buggered, stuffed, tired! lol you name it! i couldnt function properly at all and had several meltdowns! its amazing what a few extra hours sleep does though, the last couple of nights have been really good with Olivia only waking 1 or 2 times, last night was fantastic as i got 5 hours in a row, bliss!!

But i did have my first ever outing yesterday with the 2 girls on my own! i was going stir crazy at home, just felt so cooped up and didnt know if i could handle Kaylee and Olivia all by myself, so i texted Kate, and said "wanna meet for coffee!" i was SO glad she wasnt busy and i got to have adult conversation for a couple of hours!! i must however make the effort this week to go and get the skateboard attachment for the back of my buggy for Kaylee to stand on, it was ordered back at the end of August/start September and has only JUST arrived! it will make going out so much easier, as walking with a 2 year old walking is pretty slow going! (and a bit funny, she likes to walk on her own - big girl you know - and she is so random with her direction, tends to not watch where she is going!) haha i rang Darryl on the way home from the mall, so pleased with myself, lol, i did it! and it wasnt THAT hard! (i had myself a bit worked up about it!)

Olivia is doing really well, she was weighed back on Wednesday and at 12 days old was now 10g OVER her birth weight, with a gain of 150g in 5 days! i was so proud of myself for that one! i had HUGE feeding problems with Kaylee and was made to feel like the worlds worst, and this time things are going so right! but im secretly a bit sad, i want my wee bubba to stay wee for a while longer yet!!! *sobs* i just love the first few weeks, even though you are getting everything established and everything working right and your lacking so much in sleep, there is just something so special about a newborn baby, you can see their personality developing, their eyes focusing, and they are so dependant on you and only you, i just love it :)

My nipples hurt like hell today though! (just sharing! haha) they arent grazed or cracked or anything, they look fine, just overuse i think, i spent SO much of yesterday feeding Olivia, it would seem like i would just finish feeding and half an hour later she would want more! owwww! hence the 5 hour stint of sleeping last night i think, i do feel a little tied down, and really sorry for Kaylee when she needs me and i just cant do anything because im feeding Olivia, but all these little things will get ironed out, and every day seems a bit easier! its been a huge learning curve for me though!

Im so craving a Dennys Spicy Chicken Salad right now, yummmmmm

Darryls Mo is growing quite nicely, hes pretty proud of it, i still think its butt ugly!! ah well, as long as it gets shaved off by the end of the month im happy!

will try to get some more photos up real soon

Movember....

2006-11-07T20:47:00.000+13:00

Yep Darryl is going to grow it, much to my disgust! i HATE facial hair! haha i wonder what would happen if i said im not going to shave my armpits for a month!! (ew! no i wouldnt do that!) anyway, come the end of the month he WILL shave it off (he has no choice, he knows i would come after him in his sleep!) but it will be very interesting to see how icky it looks by then! if you havent guessed he is going for the OCC handlebars look!!!!!

I did what i was scared to do today, i stepped on the scales, and im DAMN pleased i did! 98kg baby! the first time in about 5 years that i have been under 100kg! so lets keep it this way huh? im not going to "diet" but i am going to limit the chips, chocolates, hot chocolates, muffins etc that i have got into the habit of having quite often lately, way too often actually. we still eat healthy breakfasts, lunchs and dinners, i just have to watch my snacking and of course eventually start walking again. Had a yummy dinner tonight, just a beef stirfry on Basmati Rice, but i just lightly flavoured the beef with a bit of sweet chilli and a teaspoon of red curry paste, it was really nice without being saucy and too laden with flavours, yummmm

im venturing out on my own for the first time tomorrow! im a bit scared, but have all Kaylees things ready to go, and just need to sort Olivias nappy bag out, im biting the bullet and taking Kaylee to a playgroup, im pretty shit with big groups of new people that i dont know, so when Darryls sister rang me to see if i wanted her to take Kaylee to playgroup, i thought, oh what the hell, and said im coming too, be good for me to get out of the house (also means i can detour on the way home and get SUSHI for lunch!! yum!!) i have to be back home by 1pm for my midwives appt, but im sure i will enjoy being out and about, i just have to take the plunge and do it, and it shouldnt be that hard (im hoping!)

Kaylee went to work with Darryl for the afternoon today, poor thing has been getting so bored, i really dont know how to juggle her and Olivia, i will work it out im sure, but plonking Kaylee infront of the TV all the time really isnt doing her any favours (or me!) i have managed to take her to the playground a couple of times, but hopefully i will be in some kind of routine again in the next couple of weeks and Kaylee wont be so bored!!

All these new things that i have to learn! we will get there!!

FOOD!

2006-11-06T16:26:00.000+13:00

I NEED to get my eating under control again! it just seems to be at the moment that i just eat and eat and eat! I am trying very hard to eat healthy when i do eat, but it makes it hard when i have visitors who bring slices, cakes, muffins etc! SO HARD! I know that in order to keep up my breastmilk supply i have to eat well, BUT i can do without the chips and chocolates and biscuits, i know i can! Doesnt help also that im making up for lost time with all the things i couldnt eat during pregnancy!

Im dying to start walking again, but i do think i need to give myself maybe another week to heal properly down below, ive been walking down to the playground, around the shops/supermarket etc, however brisk walking i think is a bit down the track! i will start off slowly and build up i think, evenings with Darryl will be best, he can push one pram, i can push the other, SO much planning to do when there is 2 children instead of 1!!

I went into Farmers the other day as i was DESPERATE for some non preggy clothing! i got a pair of 3/4 pants and a singlet, i never try things on in shops, im a sucker for punishment! but i decided to be a bit adventurous and get a size smaller than my pre preggy size in both items, well, what do you know! the pants fit perfectly and the top i had to return for a size smaller! YAY! hence why i have to get this eating under control, i dont want to put back on the size that i have lost!

I have not weighed myself since having Olivia, why? because i think i may cry if i see those numbers! the last month or so of the pregnancy i felt like i did nothing but eat and eat, so, there you have it! my confessions of my bad eating habits! haha hopefully i will have everything under control again really soon, walking will definatly help, as will this lovely weather, bbq steak and salad is what we have had for dinner for the past few nights, just have to take things one step at a time i guess, but, you know me, im impatient! haha

Doing Ok

2006-11-05T15:26:00.000+13:00

hiya :) thanks for all your nice comments, Mum got here early yesterday morning, and we were relieved to find that Granddad has made a fantastic recovery, where as the other day he couldnt even talk, he is back to his old self almost! Mum will stay maybe one or two more nights, until he is ready to be discharged from hospital, and then he may go back down with her for a bit, or he will go back home, whatever he wants to do (hes stubborn and you cant argue with him, its where i get it from apparently!)

anyway, busy times, i have visitors arriving shortly to meet Olivia, then shortly after another few visitors to meet Olivia and then Darryls family are all coming to dinner!!! its going to be a busy household for the next few hours! i better defrost some meat! haha

Busy Times!!

2006-11-04T13:30:00.000+13:00

First things first!! HUGE congratulations to Karen and Stephan on the birth of Rachel!!! i cannot wait to see photos! so exciting!!

Things have been quite full on here the last couple of days, Olivia and Kaylee are both doing absolutly wonderfully, (im a very proud Mummy!) and Mum went home on Thursday, unfortunatly Mum had to come back again today as we got a phone call yesterday morning saying that Granddad had unfortunatly had a stroke, we only saw him last on Thursday morning when Mum brought him here for a visit, he was playing wonderfully with Kaylee and held Olivia for ages, we got some lovely pics, and then overnight he had the stroke and has just changed so much, Mum is in the hospital with him now, he is undergoing more tests and scans, although he is a little better than we initially thought, we dont know the true damage yet, or whether or not its recoverable. My Gran (his Mother) died several years ago after a series of Strokes, starting out much the same as his one did. but we will know more once Mum gets home from the hospital and then i will probably go in to see him tonight (couldnt go today as i cannot take the girls into the hospital and Darryl was working - if we go in altogether Darryl can wait in the car with the girls, and then im not too far away to BF Olivia)

Anyway, here are some very special pics taken on Thursday

GO KAREN!!

2006-11-02T09:30:00.000+13:00

So excited to get Karens text this morning saying shes on her way to hospital! have been thinking of her all morning and cant wait to hear when her precious wee girl has arrived!!

Things are going really well here (i think so anyway!) Olivia has settled in nicely, had a bit of a rough patch yesterday evening, i didnt know if it was wind, or what it was, she just wanted to suckle on me the whole time, but not actually drink, if that makes sense, and if i pulled her off (because if they dont suck properly it really hurts your nipples!) she would scream! didnt help that Darryls parents were here and everyone was looking at me (i thought anyway!) because i didnt know how to keep her calm! (I had a wee cry when they left with Darryl, i hate hearing my kids cry!) we couldnt bring up any wind, so we put a dummy in her mouth, and wow, silence and she went to sleep! nice! come bedtime though she didnt want to go to bed on her own, so ended up sleeping on me all night, im not a sleep on my back kind of person, so even though i did sleep, it wasnt very well i dont think!

Olivia has been really good with her sleeping at night though, apart from not wanting to go in her own bed (can you blame her really? i mean she has been inside me all this time and then to be suddenly seperated, must be hard!) we tend to go to bed at 10.30pm-11pm and she wakes again around 2.30am-3.30am ish, and then sleeps through until around 7-8am, which is quite nice we thought! so really its only waking once in the night for her to feed and then sleep again! i can handle that!

Feeding is going really well too, she is latching almost first time every time, which i have just found such a great boost for my self-esteem, Kaylee never breastfed properly, never latched properly, never sucked properly, (as a result my milk never came in properly because she didnt suck enough to bring it on and she lost a lot of weight) Darryl and i would be up for hours in the night sitting there with her trying to get her on the boob, she would latch, and then a few seconds later come off, it was tiring, devestating, hard on all of us, contributed greatly to my state of mind (aka failure!) and post natal depression was a resulting factor (not just solely the breastfeeding though, other things too contributed to that i think) so i just love the fact that i can feed my baby, and feed her well this time!

i do know that its only early days, wow, can you believe that already Olivia will be a week old tomorrow!!!!!!!!

My mum has been staying since Sunday, its been SO nice, ive had awsome help, she has cooked, cleaned, done washing, dishes, entertained Kaylee, i have NO idea how im going to cope when she has gone! i will proberly be a mess by 5pm today! and i expect to have takeaways for dinner (yummm sushi, subway!) for tonight, tomorrow night and proberly Monday and Tuesday too! im looking foward to the weekend and for Darryl to be home with me, but unfortunatly because of the way work has been over the past month we dont have the luxury of him taking a week off work like we had planned :( im sure that just by taking things one step at a time, we will be fine though!

Olivia Jades Birthday

2006-10-31T12:51:00.000+13:00

Short and Sweet!!

I had just hit 38 weeks, and was trying to not expect to go into labour within the next couple of days, as I went into labour with Kaylee at 38.1 and had her at 38.2, so I was thinking, yeah, right, NOONE goes into labour at exactly the same time, they are always either earlier or later! But I just knew something was going to happen very soon, my midwife (Jo) had even said to me at our last appointment when she was making my next appointment, “knowing you, this will be a postnatal visit, not and antenatal one!” I was happy with that statement! She also said that she thought I wouldn’t last the week, again, I was happy with that! But trying SO hard not to expect it, as I still could of gone another 4 weeks!

I woke up the next day (38.1 weeks) and at around 10am I felt her definitely drop down, and it did take my breath away! I had some minor pains afterwards and carried on having regular minor contractions for the rest of the evening.

We had a Mortgage Broker arrive at our house (pre arranged appointment) at around 6pm and went about doing a bit of talking and paperwork, we were just tying up the loose ends and doing a bit of photocopying (about 7pm) when I was standing talking to the guy and I felt my waters break, EW! GUSH! I had to quickly excuse myself and go and get cleaned up! The contractions were getting a bit stronger, so I called Kate, and she came over, but unfortunately by the time she got here the contractions stopped altogether! Kate went back home and we went to bed, (10pm)

I woke again at around 1am with definite strong regular contractions, whoa! Now I remember this pain! I managed to hold off until about 2.30am when I woke Darryl as I wanted him to make me wheatbags and get me panadol! We rang Jo at around 3-3.30am-ish, I was ready to pack up and go to hospital, like hell was I going to do another several hours of this! Give me the drugs!!!

Darryl was getting a bit worried as the contractions were coming a lot faster and I was in serious agony, I found it really hard to breathe through the contractions by now and started to feel myself lose control and my body take over, that was difficult for me because I hate losing control. Darryl ran me a bath and the midwife arrived just as I hopped in, Darryl said to the midwife, “shall we go to hospital, im really worried about how long this will go for” the midwife told him that judging by how I was acting, there was NO time!

I was in the bath for around 15-20 minutes and had definitely lost control by then, Darryl was pumping the rescue remedy into me and then I said “I have to push” the midwife said “no you don’t, not yet, don’t push” then she put her hand between my legs and was like “hmm ok if you want to push you either have to stay right under the water or get out of the bath” I wanted out of the bath and onto the bed by then, I was helped out of the bath and walked into my bedroom, I made it to the end corner of my bed, and I said I have to push NOW!” so things went down on the floor under where I was standing, to protect it, (Kate arrived at this time, and she thought I was just getting internals done, she had no idea I was ready to go! She was in the lounge with Kaylee - who had woken up at 3am and was on the couch watching cartoons… we were not arguing with her!)

I could definitely feel the head moving down and out, I was pushing but not too hard really, gravity kind of did its thing for me and really helped, the head come out, and straight away she started crying, it was such a relief that this was nearly over, I had to push the shoulders out, and Olivia Jade was born, 4.22am on Friday 27 October 2006. She was passed up between my legs; I remember the cord rubbing a bit on my fanny, ohhh such agony! Kate came in and took some photos, (no I will not be sharing them!) and I made it back onto my bed holding my new baby girl and delivered the placenta with a couple of pushes, its such a relief once that is out, its finally all over, you just feel so free again!

I stayed holding Olivia for a long time afterwards, Darryl cut the cord once it stopped pulsing and Kaylee came in to meet her new sister, was a very sweet moment.

Jo checked Olivia over and she was weighed at 7pds 6oz, 50cm long, Apgar score of 10, i finally got up off the bed and had a shower, was an amazing shower, I tell you! It just felt so good to have a hot shower after so much intense pain. Then I was dressed and was sitting in the lounge by 6.30am with Darryl, Kaylee, Olivia, Kate, Natalia and Jo and ready to start my day as a mum of 2 now! I felt so good, and so happy, and apart from being a bit sore and tender, perfectly normal, able to walk and talk, it was just so nice to stay home, be in my own surroundings and have my own bathroom! I don’t regret it for a minute and im pretty sure I had the perfect homebirth, I just found it so calm and relaxed and peaceful.

Olivia has been a dream, she is feeding well, sleeping well, hardly cries (only when its feed time!) and its just been so wonderful to add her into our family, Kaylee is a fantastic big sister, has lots of kisses and cuddles for Olivia, and is so sweet and gentle, although does need a bit of reminding now and again! It will take us a bit of adjusting and a lot of time management, but we will just enjoy the ride for now.

a few pics

2006-10-28T09:29:00.000+13:00

SHE IS HERE!!

2006-10-27T06:52:00.000+13:00

Olivia Jade was born this morning at 4.22am weighing 7pds 6oz, she is beautiful and we are all doing fine! 3 hour labour!!!

more details and pics to follow

ohhhhh owwwww!!!!!

2006-10-27T03:22:00.000+13:00

nothing much happened last night, so Kate went back home and put Natalia to bed (and hopefully she is getting some sleep now too!) i woke up about 1am with noticable contractions and now they are OWWWWWW

Its Time BABY!!!!

2006-10-26T19:42:00.000+13:00

yup, im definatly in labour, my waters broke haha just as we were about 5 min from saying goodbye to the Mortgage guy! poor man, i had to rush out of the room! Im not having full on contractions yet, still mild, but Kate is on her way over soon and the midwife is well informed!

HOW FREAKY! 38 weeks, 1 day, just like when i went into labour with Kaylee!!!!!!

when things start getting too full on, Kate will update for me, theres another BLOGGER BABY on the way!!! yippeeeee!!!!!!

2006-10-26T17:18:00.000+13:00

Fingers crossed for me please everyone!!! have been having pains since this morning, but they are getting more regular, and more ouchy!

CMON BABY!

haha i was this far along exactly (38.1) when i went into labour with Kaylee, so wouldnt it be nice to do that 2 in a row! ive been tidying the house, and am wishing Darryl home soon so he can vacuum for me! i want a spotless house for this bubba to enter the world in!

we have a Mortgage manager coming at 6, lmao, i KNEW if i made an appt with someone something would happen!

i just hope its not a false alarm and all this is for NOTHING!! but owwwwwwww!!! :D

We will keep you posted!!

38 Weeks!

2006-10-25T21:15:00.000+13:00

Pics

2006-10-25T10:20:00.000+13:00

Kitchen Before:

Kitchen after:

A bit of coloured glass makes a huge difference doesnt it!!

and just because... :P

38 weeks today, will try and get Darryl to take some proper shots later this evening, i feel HUGE! scary to think that in 2 days time i will be the same time along as what i was giving birth to Kaylee!!

Tuesday

2006-10-24T12:53:00.000+13:00

While im sitting on my ass on the computer, i thought i would do a wee update!

Had my midwife over this morning, baby has descended RIGHT down, hence the bowling ball between the legs feeling, and also the little gushes i was having, she thinks as the head was moving down it was pushing extra bits of fluid out. She thinks its highly probable that she will hear from me by the end of the week, but then she also wishes she was psycic so she could tell exactly when things will start happening! LOL then i said to her, 'yeah but i could still go overdue'... she said, 'you could, but you wont!' haha, only baby knows when baby wants to come out really! I guess im a little scared of going full term, or even overdue, Kaylee was 8pd 7oz 2 weeks early, add on 2 weeks for full term, or even 4 weeks going overdue, and that makes a damn big baby!

I have a man coming over this afternoon to install the new glass splashback in the kitchen, so i have been busy today stripping the kitchen benches back to nothing (must say, looks nice! i have a lot of bench clutter!) and giving the walls a good scrub, i cannot wait for it to go in though, will make cleaning SO much easier! will try to get a pic up later to show you what it looks like.

Just when you need good turnover (being selfemployed) and great moneyflo coming in because of an extra addition to the family coming soon, work drops off, whats with that?!?!?! its SO dead right now, there are signs it will pick up very soon, but things are getting tight! not nice to have extra money stress at the moment, the last thing we need! doesnt help that Darryl rung me today saying his ute is having brake probs, will cost $600+ for the part! holy crap!!!! damn stupid cars! we were looking at trading in my car and getting a new one, as mine is starting to have a few probs, but what we have decided to do is when it comes up for refinance very shortly, refinance it adding on a bit extra and use that bit extra to fix it up so its as good as new, sure beats adding on a whole new car! not the brainiest thing to do!

another not the brainiest thing to do, but something we are doing anyway (:P) is getting a Mortgage Broker out, hes coming out on Thursday night (unless we are having a baby of course!) and we will be applying for a mortgage, we dont have any house in mind, we dont have any price in mind, we want to just start the ball rolling a little to see WHAT we can get, HOW much repayments will be, WHETHER its justifiable doing it now or waiting till later (the amount we pay in rent is nearly equivalent to a mortgage) and how it works being self-employed first home buyers! he seemed to have a lot of ideas and a lot of knowledge, and the worst they can say is no, we cant find anyone that will take you on. Then at least we know and we can go from there, if they say yes, we can find someone who will give you such amount, then we can go from there too. Not something we will do lightly, not something we will do without talking to a lot of other people first. but i think something we do have to do. if we dont start now, what are Auckland house prices going to be in another few years OUCH! Our big plan is to buy cheap and crap, but with potential, fix it up quickly, flick it off with a profit, and wahla, we have a larger deposit for the next house, and keep doing this a couple of times until we make a bit of capital gain and start our personal financial portfolio... i have NO idea if my big plan will work, lmao, i know nothing about buying houses, nothing about DIY, but hey, gotta start somewhere!

Also business wise, a lot of ideas are running around in peoples brains at the moment, so heaps of potential there too, heaps of things starting to happen, cant say too much more, and things are still a wee while away yet, but its nice to know that things ARE happening! even though its a bit slow at the moment, it doesnt phase us too much, just have to be a bit strict with the old budget!

Not too much else going on in the life of Carla right now, Kaylee is being brillient, which is nice! it helps a lot that she is starting to talk a lot clearer so can tell me what she wants, makes communication so much easier, she learnt how to peddle her tricycle the other evening, that was a big accomplishment for all of us really! was very exciting! she still has a bit of getting used to it to do, but it was very cool seeing that happen! tantrums have been few and far between the last few days as well which has been a huge relief!

Im having an indecisive day today when it comes to what to eat... so far today i have drunk a lot of water, and had a slice of cheese and a yoghurt! lmao, not much! im thinking of making myself some toast... but then i have to decide what to have on it! Darryl has cooked dinner the last 4 or so nights, which has been great for me, i get to late afternoon and cant move at the moment, so sore! but im thinking i may cook for him tonight, chicken fettucine... yummm (not the healthiest i know, but the boy deserves a treat!) the warmer lighter weather has been nice too, we have been having lots of bbq steak and salad, love it! i havent weighed myself for several weeks, and to be honest, i dont want to, i really dont see a point at the moment when there isnt anything i can do about it, once baby comes out, we will go from there!